Cool People

I’m just not one of them. It doesn’t come naturally to me. There are those people who are always ahead of the trends (maris) and there are those people who can grab clothes off the floor and ruffle their hair and poof they are hipster/trendy/accidentally fashionably chic and then there is me.

I’m not a total doofus. It took years and years of training to pull myself out of doofus but I think I’ve definitely graduated to at least a cut above. Part of the reason i could never actually live in San Francisco is because I’m just not cool enough. For serious. It took me pretty much an entire year to feel comfortable going to the store in my sweats. And downtown? Forgetaboutit. I always felt under dressed even when I tried! I mean, i guess towards the end I did buy a giant butterfly purse (LOVE)

so I guess SF did rub off on me in a totally non STD, homeless guy kinda way. Anyways – I totally digress.

I’m not cool. Sometimes I wish i was but then I think about how much effing energy it would take and I’m relived that I can sit around and joke with my boyfriend about how this one time i farted while being on skype and claire was all “did you just fart?!” but if she would have just kept her TRAP shut then Kamel would have never known and we would have all been just FINE without that information but instead he was all “I TOTALLY HEARD THAT” and haha now it’s just a riot to bring up again. Heh. Or sit around with my room mate, claire, while we’re both on our computers and crack up over videos of animals with human voice overs. Oh the little things.

This is all a huge build up to the fact that I got a job today. Working in a bakery (fun!) as a barista/front counter lady. And I’m telling you right now it’s not that cool. It’s not a snooty emo coffee job at the independent place down the street where they play obscure tunes and look under fed and do mass amounts of amazing coffee art. My coworkers jeans and tshirts that aren’t made from organic cotten and aren’t purchased at an ironic yet not too ironic tshirt shop. They wear sneakers and gap jeans and joke about the snooty old danish ladies who demand to pay 50 cents for what is now a 2.50 danish. They use words like snooty and not bitchy. It’s a nice place to work. And I’m probably going to get about 50% less tips than I would working somewhere else but I have a feeling I’ll really enjoy the people and the customers and the smell of butter and cinnamon every single day I roll into work. And even though I’ll miss the money, I won’t miss the attitude.

Bath Time Fun 5&6

Sorry for the several day delay. I know you all were on the edge of your seats. Who can resist the intrigue of sponge animals smooshed into desolvable pills? Not I, for one, that’s for damn sure. Except we got busy… with lives, sort of. Does a movie with my parents count (hi mom! hi dad! even though you still refuse to read my blog). Anyhoos. Bath Time Fun 5 kept the score at 0-0. I guessed Buffalo and Claire guessed Moose. It was indeed a Coyote.


No surprise there. We lose.

But then the unthinkable, the unimaginable, the only-hoped-for occurred…. I guessed Buffalo again (Buff-alo! Buff Buff! Alo Alo!) and claire once again guessed moose and guess what?


It was a mother fuckin moose. Can you believe it? Claire is ON THE BOARD ladies and gentlemen. ON THE BOARD. It is now 1-0:Claire, and I need to bring my A-GAME to tomorrow’s double featuer. It is ON.

Just Give Her A Second

After all the beautiful tear filled wedding moments in the month of august, I bring you this.


How easily could that be me? I mean for reals. Let’s be honest. And then all of a sudden I’m down “tying me shoe” trying not to pee on the alter. Lord have mercy.

Letting My Nerd Flag Fly

Yesterday Maris and I went on a pilgrimage roadtrip to a small town on the coast of washington that gets a lot of rain and a lot of 14 yr. old girl tourists. That’s right….


When we drove through I have to admit I was a little irrationally disappointed.

Me: “This is it? This is …. it? This is the whole thing?”

Maris: “Yes, Lauren…. It’s a small town. This. Is. It.”

Pause while we drive and look and i sink a little further down in my seat.

Me: “Ok for one, the sun is out so edward wouldn’t be able to come out anyway because he’d be all sparkly and shit. And two – I’m actually kind of disappointed there aren’t any supernatural events occurring right now.”

Maris laughing: “Lauren!!”

Me: “WELL!”

So we drove around through twice with a mix between slightly mortified to even be there because we were sure “people new” cuz we “looked like twilighters” i mean “why else would we be here?!” and totally PUMPED.

We drove to the highschool where classes were most def in session, the parking lot full, where i kept trying to convince myself (among many many locations) “ok this was definitely in the movie. For sure. This looks totally familiar.” And maris kept saying “it’s a parking lot” but then started taking pictures so YOU CAN’T FOOL ME MARIS.

When we pulled out there was this amazingly large sign for the highschool all carved out of wood and maris pulled out her camera to take a picture while I just idled right there in the middle of the street. There were no cars so we were good. But then when i saw the picture I squeeled “TAKE ONE CLOSER UP SO WE CAN SEE THE WORDS.” I would just like to say right now that by no means were we at all cool about this. I type this like “oh yeah we went to the highschool” but… for reals? We drove around LOOKING FOR FORKS, WA HIGHSCHOOL AND THEN TOOK PICTURES. And it was right about this time that we fully realized how ridiculous we were as a truck pulled up behind us and i’m yelling GET IT MARIS GET IT And she is zooming like it’s her job and i start to pull away and she exclaims GOT IT! And we are laughing so hard we can’t breathe and are starting to cry. And I’m sort of driving so the truck can kind of just pull around me while we giggle uncontrollably in my car. Then maris chokes out “I… have never been… more mortified… in my entire… life.” And right then I knew the day was just about perfect.

Cherry or Strawberry?

Raging example as to why I love Maris…

Scene: Walking back to the car from safeway where we got Diet Cokes and an assortment of unhealthy snacks:

Maris: “Ok I have a serious question… Do you like Cherry or Strawberry flavor better?”

Me: “Are we talking fruit or candy? Or the entire flavor spectrum?”

Maris: “Mmm… in general… what do you like better? I mean I like eating strawberries better than cherries but cherry flavoring better…”

Me: “Hmm …. I’m gonna have to go with Strawberry because EVERYTHING has a cherry flavor and strawberry is just harder to find.”

And then she reached into her bag and threw me this:


And you wanna know why that is so mother effing badass? 1) she remembered we had ring pops on our SF roadtrip adventure. 2) She bought them WITHOUT ME NOTICING 3) Hello RING POP!!

God I love you maris. Don’t ever leave.

Bath Time Fun: 3&4

Ok so we actually had something to do last night (what was that? we have lives? Don’t get excited – the big event for today was eating salads at the pizza place on the corner.) so we skipped our bath time fun and instead did two for today. They were both blue. Claire guessed badger both times and I guessed grizzly bear both times and both times we were….


SO INCREDIBLY DEAD WRONG. A bat and an alligator. WE LOSE. Score stays at 0-0. Claire is convinced this is just going to keep getting easier. I don’t believe a word she says.

To Job or Not To Job

Last week I got two calls for jobs. One scheduled me a same day interview but the guy seemed shady and i just didn’t feel like getting out of my sweats at that exact moment. Call me lazy… or call me intuitive. Whatever – even I can’t decide. So I just didn’t show up. Then on friday while I was in SF for Ryan and Katrina’s wedding I got another call, which i promptly returned after I got out of District 9 (Wow intense, go see – you’ll like), left a message for the lady and never heard from her again. This week I am nothing but available and yet i receive no calls. Why? Because I have smited the job gods and now they are punishing me. I wasn’t ready on their schedule so they aren’t playing nice with mine. Humph. In the meantime I’m getting all sorts of antsy. Remember 2 months ago when I quit my job? (well some of you will and some of you are new. hi!) Well for a solid two months I was all “I don’t even WANT a job. All I want to do is WRITE” well now I’m bored and now I want a job and now the jobs have all clammed up and gone away because the universe never lets me have what i want, instead it likes to watch me squirm for a while until it decides in it’s GREAT BENEVOLENCE that I deserve a crumb here or a smidgen there. And so I wait. Cursing my earlier smiting.

Bath Time Fun: 2

Rubber ducky you’re the one, you make bath time so much fun….

well….it actually started out as a pill


And then later became a wolf.


Aaawooooo!!

Claire voted squirrel and I voted badger. Still 0-0. Fuck. We’re bad at this game.

Do I Have A Degree Yet?

Here is how the conversation usually goes:

“Congratulations on finishing! That’s so exciting! What are you doing now?”

“I’m trying to get a job barista-ing or cocktailing or something so I can have my days to write.”

“Oh… are you getting published? Do you have a book agent?”

“Not yet, I’m working on short stories and increasing my portfolio right now. But I’ll be figuring all that out after the new year.”

“Oh. Short Stories… heh…. really…. Well that sounds great!”

Just in case you wanted to have that conversation with me – oh look!! It’s already been had, so you can feel at ease now.

The weird thing is, there was a gathering, a celebration of talent where I read (SUPER WELL I DID GOOD FOR REALS), family and friends were involved, drinking ensued… it felt like graduation, professors referenced it as graduation, but you know what? Somewhere out there, a box with my thesis is floating around being judged and it could take up to six months before i get the A-Ok. So… am i degreed? Or…? I’m gonna pretend I am. Cuz I am, right? You were there. Well, not you, but some of you.

Anyways, I’m writing new things. YAY! And I’m looking for work! I’ve gotten a few nibbles but nothing jumping out at me. If you know any place that needs a barista, or a really hot cocktail waitress that only has coffee experience, lemme know!! I can hustle with the best of them. 🙂