And Lauren is on the board!!
I found proof this morning that the recession is still in full swing. As I was sitting on the toilet, having my morning pee, I realized the toilet paper had run out so i reached behind me to where the stash is kept and pulled out another roll. Literally smack dab on the toilet paper was a coupon.
I mean, really… what kind of savings can be found inside a toilet paper roll? And is this supposed to be some sort of joyful find? Generally when I’m sitting on the toilet I’m not really thinking about the savings I could have if only I had access to a coupon. Is this a new form of gorilla marketing? Wipe your butt only to find… advertisement! That last line quite possibly gave some of you an unwanted visual, and i do apologize, but really? A coupon?! Stuck directly to the toilet paper roll? Who thoughtthat was a good idea? And why?!
Right now I am eating left over squash from the amazing polenta dinner I made for claire and kamel while he was in town this weekend. Mmm… my own leftovers are kind of a novelty because when do I ever cook for more than just one person? For reals. But really – god what a time saver when you get home from work and it’s dark out. Sigh. Leftovers. Who knew? Probably all of a middle america. That’s who. Hello out there.
Anyways. So. The weekend. I was MIA because I was entertaining and playing a lot of snood. Remember snood?? I think instead of writing I’ll become a professional snood player, on a constant quest to meet that high score i had that one time and will never again achieve. It won’t be a fulfilling life, no, but it will come with some friggin sweet sound effects.
I went to the Puyallup fair (actually the Western Washington Fair… so it was a biggy) and I haven’t gone in 6 years!! And I finally went!! And I brought Kamel and we took pictures of (as Kamel kept saying) “America”. Cuz it really was with all the blue ribbons and designs made out of vegetables. And COWS! Oh the cute cows – all manicured and clean w/o poop smeared all over their butts. I got to pet one. It made my day. It’s name was Peggy. Seriously – when I was a kid it was the rides that had me running to the fair, but now it’s totally all the crazy people that come out and dress in flag muscles shirts… and the animals. I love the animals. But dude – I don’t think I’ve ever seen more pregnant women in one place before in all my LIFE. It was like an epidemic. And pregnant teens. Now that’s wholesome american fun for ya. Dropping out of high school to have a baby and live with your baby’s daddy who may or may not have an actual job or a high school education. Weird.
Anyways… what else? I’m starting to work a lot. Wee! Which means everything is finally falling into place. Wee! I’m getting fatter though. Which is a bummer. So from now on I’ll be much more diligent about working out regularly and eating well. It’s hard to do when you work in a bakery and the baker is always making you things. Special. Just for you. Don’t you want one? No? You work in a bakery. What’s wrong with you? You don’t want a giant piece of cake? Well how will you know how to sell it then? I’ll cut you a small piece. There ya go, honey. Eat up. Nomnomnom.
I know in my description it says I am a writer but I don’t really talk about writing much. I am a writer, in a sense, because I have this blog and I try to look at the world a little differently and I try to express things in writing almost everyday, but I am also a real writer too. Short stories and novels actually. Anybody who is new should probably know that upfront. And the reason I am working at a bakery part time is so I can have more time to focus on writing and not come home completely mentally drained every day. Since I finished grad school about three weeks ago I have been working on a short story tentatively called “B-Ruce”. I don’t work on it every day but I do try and work on it several times a week and I am always thinking about it. It’s been a little more difficult getting into the swing of things what with the moving and the job hunting and the unpacking and just the general transitioning. But I actually am a writer, full time, and although I haven’t been talking about it much, it’s there. It is always there. And when I get done with this short story I’ll put an excerpt up and anyone who is interested can be emailed a copy by requesting one in the comments.
Thanks for the support everyone! Look for more writing updates in the future.
Alright ladies and gentlemen. It is now time for me to give you my what the FUCK moment of the week.
Last night I had an amazing happy hour with Tricia and then later in the evening met Kaitlyn downtown at Purple for a few glasses of wine and a few hours of non stop chatting. By the end of the evening i was glowing in the awesomeness of my friends. AWESOMENESS. Anyhoos…. So the evening is winding down with Kaitlyn when this banker looking wanker (i love when i get the chance to rhyme) walks in and as he passes behind the two of us asks
“So what’s good in here?” and even though we were totally rudely interrupted we both kind of shrug, say we don’t know then say “uhh, wine.” He proceeds to sit down next to me. Word to the wise… DO NOT ENGAGE – DO NOT.
Did I mention that Kaitlyn was wearing a SMOKING HOT drapy sweater dress like you see in the movies, and some kick ass heels? Hot-ness. Me on the other hand – jeans, grey tank, black tshirt with my orange shruggy thing, plus black flats. Hair in a pony tail. Not exactly my come-hither attire is all I’m saying. But dude is next to me. Great.
And turns to me and asks, “Does it smell like steak in here?” And we both reply “umm, no not really.” And he goes…. “Oh maybe it’s you.”
AND THEN HE SNIFFS ME. At my shoulder and my neck. Let me repeat that… dude motherfucking SNIFFS ME. Then comes to the conclusion that “Heh… you smell like steak.”
Without batting an eyelash i reply, “Yeah i get that a lot.” And then he SNIFFS AGAIN and says “And oregano.” To which I reply, “Well I am Italian.”
This entire time I am trying to shoulder him out of my conversation with Kaitlyn by completely turning my back to him. Apparently my “get the fuck away” stance isn’t working. So Kaitlyn and I promptly jump off the bar stools and head out to find a cab.
And although I was joe cool in the bar, the minute we walk outside I am all I SMELL LIKE STEAK!?? AND PIZZA SAUCE?!! And Kaitlyn is laughing and assuring me that no, i do not, but that wow that guy was a D-Bag. But even by the time I get home I am still unsure so when I retell this story to claire I eventually make her smell me and tell me the verdict. Her response: “You smell like a WOMAN. Like vanilla and cinnamon and everything GOOD”. Well I guess that’s perk number two of working in a bakery.
But seriously… WHAT THE FUCK?!
I’m just not one of them. It doesn’t come naturally to me. There are those people who are always ahead of the trends (maris) and there are those people who can grab clothes off the floor and ruffle their hair and poof they are hipster/trendy/accidentally fashionably chic and then there is me.
I’m not a total doofus. It took years and years of training to pull myself out of doofus but I think I’ve definitely graduated to at least a cut above. Part of the reason i could never actually live in San Francisco is because I’m just not cool enough. For serious. It took me pretty much an entire year to feel comfortable going to the store in my sweats. And downtown? Forgetaboutit. I always felt under dressed even when I tried! I mean, i guess towards the end I did buy a giant butterfly purse (LOVE)
so I guess SF did rub off on me in a totally non STD, homeless guy kinda way. Anyways – I totally digress.
I’m not cool. Sometimes I wish i was but then I think about how much effing energy it would take and I’m relived that I can sit around and joke with my boyfriend about how this one time i farted while being on skype and claire was all “did you just fart?!” but if she would have just kept her TRAP shut then Kamel would have never known and we would have all been just FINE without that information but instead he was all “I TOTALLY HEARD THAT” and haha now it’s just a riot to bring up again. Heh. Or sit around with my room mate, claire, while we’re both on our computers and crack up over videos of animals with human voice overs. Oh the little things.
This is all a huge build up to the fact that I got a job today. Working in a bakery (fun!) as a barista/front counter lady. And I’m telling you right now it’s not that cool. It’s not a snooty emo coffee job at the independent place down the street where they play obscure tunes and look under fed and do mass amounts of amazing coffee art. My coworkers jeans and tshirts that aren’t made from organic cotten and aren’t purchased at an ironic yet not too ironic tshirt shop. They wear sneakers and gap jeans and joke about the snooty old danish ladies who demand to pay 50 cents for what is now a 2.50 danish. They use words like snooty and not bitchy. It’s a nice place to work. And I’m probably going to get about 50% less tips than I would working somewhere else but I have a feeling I’ll really enjoy the people and the customers and the smell of butter and cinnamon every single day I roll into work. And even though I’ll miss the money, I won’t miss the attitude.
Sorry for the several day delay. I know you all were on the edge of your seats. Who can resist the intrigue of sponge animals smooshed into desolvable pills? Not I, for one, that’s for damn sure. Except we got busy… with lives, sort of. Does a movie with my parents count (hi mom! hi dad! even though you still refuse to read my blog). Anyhoos. Bath Time Fun 5 kept the score at 0-0. I guessed Buffalo and Claire guessed Moose. It was indeed a Coyote.
But then the unthinkable, the unimaginable, the only-hoped-for occurred…. I guessed Buffalo again (Buff-alo! Buff Buff! Alo Alo!) and claire once again guessed moose and guess what?
It was a mother fuckin moose. Can you believe it? Claire is ON THE BOARD ladies and gentlemen. ON THE BOARD. It is now 1-0:Claire, and I need to bring my A-GAME to tomorrow’s double featuer. It is ON.
After all the beautiful tear filled wedding moments in the month of august, I bring you this.
How easily could that be me? I mean for reals. Let’s be honest. And then all of a sudden I’m down “tying me shoe” trying not to pee on the alter. Lord have mercy.
Yesterday Maris and I went on a
pilgrimage roadtrip to a small town on the coast of washington that gets a lot of rain and a lot of 14 yr. old girl tourists. That’s right….
Me: “This is it? This is …. it? This is the whole thing?”
Maris: “Yes, Lauren…. It’s a small town. This. Is. It.”
Pause while we drive and look and i sink a little further down in my seat.
Me: “Ok for one, the sun is out so edward wouldn’t be able to come out anyway because he’d be all sparkly and shit. And two – I’m actually kind of disappointed there aren’t any supernatural events occurring right now.”
Maris laughing: “Lauren!!”
So we drove
around through twice with a mix between slightly mortified to even be there because we were sure “people new” cuz we “looked like twilighters” i mean “why else would we be here?!” and totally PUMPED.
We drove to the highschool where classes were most def in session, the parking lot full, where i kept trying to convince myself (among many many locations) “ok this was definitely in the movie. For sure. This looks totally familiar.” And maris kept saying “it’s a parking lot” but then started taking pictures so YOU CAN’T FOOL ME MARIS.
When we pulled out there was this amazingly large sign for the highschool all carved out of wood and maris pulled out her camera to take a picture while I just idled right there in the middle of the street. There were no cars so we were good. But then when i saw the picture I squeeled “TAKE ONE CLOSER UP SO WE CAN SEE THE WORDS.” I would just like to say right now that by no means were we at all cool about this. I type this like “oh yeah we went to the highschool” but… for reals? We drove around LOOKING FOR FORKS, WA HIGHSCHOOL AND THEN TOOK PICTURES. And it was right about this time that we fully realized how ridiculous we were as a truck pulled up behind us and i’m yelling GET IT MARIS GET IT And she is zooming like it’s her job and i start to pull away and she exclaims GOT IT! And we are laughing so hard we can’t breathe and are starting to cry. And I’m sort of driving so the truck can kind of just pull around me while we giggle uncontrollably in my car. Then maris chokes out “I… have never been… more mortified… in my entire… life.” And right then I knew the day was just about perfect.