One of my most favorite days ever happened only a few months ago. A four hour drive to Yosemite on a total scorcher with Kamel. I was half drugged on benadryl and he had to practically drag me to the car, and it was an 8 hour round trip drive, but it was spectacular. It was a beautiful day, a beautiful park with spectacular natural wonders (i really recommend a visit), but also – this is where I realized I loved Kamel. I had just come back from doing my initial move into my apartment in seattle, I flew back to San Francisco and the next day we piled into the car for an adventure.
There are lots of pictures but only a few videos. And the other day I found it again and I had forgotten how well it captures the day. It’s short, and not incredibly interesting. But there is something really sweet and honest about it, something that gives me the warm and fuzzies. Just me in the river while Kamel films on his iphone and you can hear a family up aways splash and play. Enjoy.
I currently do not have a desk. I am a writer without a writer retreat. I live on my bed and so forth. I do a lot of free hand but when it comes down to it – I have mastered the art of lap-topping. As a verb. In order to prevent laptop from over heating on my comforter I have perfected various hand maneuvers as well as sitting positions that keep one side of my laptop vented. This becomes difficult while skyping, watching movies, or doing anything long term on the laptop. The thing gets heavy, I get uncomfortable, I get lazy, it overheats then freezes and I lose all my work. My life is interrupted.
To be totally fair I think Kamel got sick of dealing with my laptop on his visits. I knew something was brewing when he offered to untangle all of my cords. A pile I generally ignore on one side of my bed. I’m all “sure!” and he’s all excited and something about this situation seems wrong. Also we had watched some DVDs and had to take turns holding the damn thing while our hands got crampy and hot. Then on monday I went to work and left the boyfriend to his own devices. He met me around quittin time with a giant giant bag I just briefly glimpsed as he whizzed by me. He said he had gotten me a present.
God I love presents.
Anyways… he said it was just a little thing – nothing too special – and right then i knew it was one of those laptop lap desk thingies!! And in fact it was. From Brookstone of all places. Fancy. It looks like this:
except mine has an orange pillow and it’s a little poofier in real life. But SO AWESOME. And SO comfy. Comfy to the point of WANTING it on me. It’s really plush, but also has this nice weight. Like a warm cat napping on you or something. The kind of cat that’s friendly and purrs in a delicious way. Not the kind that suddenly swipes at your head and then runs and hides under your bed for hours. Not that kind.
I’m not a huge gadget person. I have an ipod, and a cell phone, and my laptop is three years old and whatever. I just make due. I don’t need the latest and greatest. But this laptop desk thingy… even though it’s not new technology… is making me life SO much better. Yay! Thanks Kamel! You done good.
And just in case you didn’t believe me about the GIANT bag part of this story. When we got home I showed it to claire and of course her first response was “That bag is HUGE! GET IN IT!” And I’m easily persuaded. So I did.
What you can’t see is how many shots it took to finally get a solid array. Also Claire reminding me “Hold still, hold still BUT DON’T BREATH IN!” And then when Kamel came back into the room she points out, “We’re doing things we’re not supposed to… playing with giant plastic bags.” And we were. We so so were.
Usually I can find a million things to write about it here. Most of the time I’m having adventures without even realizing I am until I get home and go “woah! can you believe what happened today?!” all in lower case too – shocking. Anyways, what I’m trying to say is – although I am incredibly happy with my life at the moment (seattle, boyfriend, friends, family, lifestyle, you name it), there is one little thing that is really driving me nuts – I never DO anything INTERESTING.
Things I could write about (things I’ve actually CONSIDERED writing about):
– How my portable closet kept collapsing and spilling my clothes everywhere and so I finally bought a new one from target and it’s currently sitting in the hallway still in the box waiting for me to put it together. – My freelance editing life. – Being tired. – Old People and how sometimes when they come into work and they are really sick or just really old and feeble i have a hard time (literally) not bursting into tears right there at the counter while they order their danish because what I’m looking at? Is death. Right in the face. And it really gets me.
I like a good routine. I like knowing when I’m going to work and when I can have my days off and when I can schedule doing laundry and going running. But what happened to the fun stuff? Everyone just sits in their routines and the best they can come up with is TV night on Wednesdays and the occasional happy hour. I thought moving back to seattle would give me a little social diversity since I know so many people and they all can’t be busy and boring at the same time, right? Except they kind of are, or they just don’t want to play with me. And I’m right there with them. Because what can I write about? Old People. Right.
Anyways. So generally speaking, I can usually turn any situation into something interesting to talk about. But right now, I can’t. So instead I’m going to try to drum up some adventure. Somewhere. Hello? Are you out there? So that all my readers don’t fall off the face of the earth and at the same time I don’t bore anyone to death. New goal: Don’t bore people.
Sometimes I just can’t sleep. And I know this happens to LOTS of you. Thank god for facebook and blogs right? For reals. Anyways… I made a list of possible little to unknown factoids about this state of being.
1.) It takes way too long to realize wow, I can’t sleep. There is the tossing and then there is the turning and I dunno about you – but I am stubborn, convinced that at any point now, blam! sleep will come. It won’t. But no matter, I’m still going to lie here with my eyes closed while my mind races in tens of thousands of different directions that I will trick myself into thinking are “dreams”. No good.
2.) Getting up to pee sometimes helps. Not today, but I’m saying, there are times.
3.) Insomnia makes you hungry.
4.) It’s also lonely. Unless you can find the random stray who is also online and then you have the whole “what are you doing awake?” “well what are YOU doing awake?” conversation.
5.) Just because you’re awake doesn’t mean you’re not tired.
6.) The memory of those nights where you are asleep the minute you hit the pillow taunts you. Especially when there is no possible position of comfort.
7.) It’s these times where I’m kicking myself about possibly going to sleep later. Sometimes being too tired and going to bed too early bites you right in the ass.
I’m trying to make these like “oh, you’re right, I’ve never thought of that” and slightly funny. But I think they’re just coming out lame. I can’t tell because I’m in that in between zone of not really knowing if I’m going to think this is entertaining in the morning. I wish I was one of those people who became incredibly productive at 2 in the morning. I’d make millions. Instead I’m just lying here refreshing twitter. Fun.
The last few weeks – dare I say a month? – I have become well acquainted with the sunrise. I’ve been waking up at 6am and out the door for a run by 620. At that time it’s dark. Really really nighttime holyfuckwhyamIawake dark. And the trees cast weird shadows in the streetlights and everything is spooky. I do a lot of flinching for no reason. But then the sky starts to turn this light blue and I can see the cracks in the cement better and I, along with the rest of the world, start to feel a little more human.
The best thing about getting a work out in really early is that at least 1/3 of time spent running, I have no recollection of. It’s like when you are driving and you space out for a bit and then all of a sudden you’re almost there. It’s a little spooky but it’s kind of nice too. With running – it’s fantastic. And then I’m at work hours and hours later and I suddenly remember – hey! I worked out today. And it’s like another pat on the back.
So anyways – I’m running and the sky is this bright light blue. Like someone is shining a flashlight through a piece of colored tissue paper. And by the time I get home there are birds and people getting their kids ready for school, and other people walking dogs. But the best part is when I make it back up to the apartment and I roll out claire’s yoga mat that she is letting me use and I face my east-sided window and while I stretch the sky turns pink! and orange! and look there is a plane and it’s exhaust is a streak of highlighter. And yes, I know that’s because of the pollution in the air, blahblahblah but it’s beautiful! And I’m sweating and trying to loosen my hamstrings so I can go and stand for 9 hours at work and the tree tops are back lit and I wish I could take a picture but I know it’s no use because there is something about replicating this that never ever ever comes out quite right.
Lately I’ve been feeling rather intimate about sunrises.
I had a physical on Tuesday. This seems normal enough. It took a long time because my doctor is rather thorough. I like to believe she is just incredibly interested in my life but I’m pretty sure she is giving me a wellness psych eval. Either way – she’s chatty and enthusiastic. My type of healthcare professional. Anyways – so a physical. Right. Other than having to try NOT TO GIGGLE during my pap (yeah, we’re talking smeeaaarrr here) the whole thing went super smooth. But at the end, when nothing happened, no lumps or bumps or nasty moles were found – something about the situation seemed rather odd. I know you’re supposed to have nothing wrong with you, but it just seems stupid for me to even go in the first place. I could have told you nothing was wrong, but to verify I had a busy lady who touches a lot of regular sick people poking and prodding and inserting and poking some more just to be like “yup, you’re healthy!” I know physicals are preventative. And I’m all for that. But I also think our society is obsessed with healthcare and tests and cures. It is our survival after all. But I’m 24 and I have no complaints so what am i really doing?
I’ve been wearing tights leggings a lot lately. I got snipped at by an H&M salesperson for calling them tights so… I’m trying to amend my ways. I remember then I first say someone wearing them without a skirt. I was in Illinois and it was the middle of winter and my first thought was WOAH she looks TOTALLY NAKED. I mean – it was Illinois – where I would routinely have to walk to class in below zero weather. And here’s this girl prancing around in very thin, stretchy sweat pants (basically). So I was shocked. I’ve gotten over this but it’s taken me about three years? This was my first outing:
It was like wearing PAJAMAS! In PUBLIC! I was hooked! I’ve been wearing them to work. So warm and cozy. Plus I’m out of jeans. But that’s my most recent fashion stretch… haha… get it? Ok nevermind…
I’m silently (well not anymore) fascinated about how fast or slow toilet paper runs out. I know this is weird. But I AM! Ok so I bought a big pack when I first moved to seattle and it JUST RAN OUT over two months later. Seriously – it just happened – this morning!! I know this has to do with how much claire and I go to the bathroom and how often we are home and blahblah but I choose to ignore most of that science and focus on the magic of not knowing how long we can go without having to buy a new pack. And apparently? In this apartment? It’s over TWO MONTHS. Fan-fucking-tastic. 🙂
Wow. It’s been a while. Sorry about that. Things have been… exhausting. I’ve been running around like a crazy at work and then getting home and crawling into a fetal position in bed while my feet throb. But there is something satisfying about a crazy busy day in the service industry. It’s a type of physical exhaustion that lets me know i actually did something today.
Also – I totally scrapped the story I was working on and started it all over again. This time I like it much better. So that’s where I am with writing. The starting point was nagging at me, and I just kept thinking it was all wrong until I finally listened to myself and started writing it again. I felt relief.
I have a physical today (joy) and some emails to write to people (john!) but I promise there won’t be such a long lag in posts anymore. Right when I was getting a nice comfy reader base I go and disappear. What a dummy. A sleepy, feet throbbing, busy bee dummy. Sigh.
So I went on a boat today. A sail boat. A sail boat my friend Bill, an avid reader of this blog, lives on. I found out living on a boat = a lot like camping = i prefer yachts I think. But anyways, being on a boat? Awesome. I only took one picture because I was too busy enjoying the amazing amazing (for the third time) amazing beauty of the greater Seattle water, mountains, trees, porpoise (which came SO CLOSE i could hear them BREATHE), schools of little fish, jelly fish, other really cool boats, oh and catching up with my “livin the dream” friend Bill. So here is proof that I was on a boat: Check out that steering wheel will you? Hellz yeah. SAIL BOAT.
Another great thing about being on a boat? My boat outfit:
I know right? Oh the things I enjoy most. 🙂 Thanks Bill for an amazing time out on the “seas”. I really am going to drag you out in the rain just to enjoy the romance of it all. Sigh.