What Recession?

I found proof this morning that the recession is still in full swing. As I was sitting on the toilet, having my morning pee, I realized the toilet paper had run out so i reached behind me to where the stash is kept and pulled out another roll. Literally smack dab on the toilet paper was a coupon.


I mean, really… what kind of savings can be found inside a toilet paper roll? And is this supposed to be some sort of joyful find? Generally when I’m sitting on the toilet I’m not really thinking about the savings I could have if only I had access to a coupon. Is this a new form of gorilla marketing? Wipe your butt only to find… advertisement! That last line quite possibly gave some of you an unwanted visual, and i do apologize, but really? A coupon?! Stuck directly to the toilet paper roll? Who thoughtthat was a good idea? And why?!

Things

Right now I am eating left over squash from the amazing polenta dinner I made for claire and kamel while he was in town this weekend. Mmm… my own leftovers are kind of a novelty because when do I ever cook for more than just one person? For reals. But really – god what a time saver when you get home from work and it’s dark out. Sigh. Leftovers. Who knew? Probably all of a middle america. That’s who. Hello out there.

Anyways. So. The weekend. I was MIA because I was entertaining and playing a lot of snood. Remember snood?? I think instead of writing I’ll become a professional snood player, on a constant quest to meet that high score i had that one time and will never again achieve. It won’t be a fulfilling life, no, but it will come with some friggin sweet sound effects.

I went to the Puyallup fair (actually the Western Washington Fair… so it was a biggy) and I haven’t gone in 6 years!! And I finally went!! And I brought Kamel and we took pictures of (as Kamel kept saying) “America”. Cuz it really was with all the blue ribbons and designs made out of vegetables. And COWS! Oh the cute cows – all manicured and clean w/o poop smeared all over their butts. I got to pet one. It made my day. It’s name was Peggy. Seriously – when I was a kid it was the rides that had me running to the fair, but now it’s totally all the crazy people that come out and dress in flag muscles shirts… and the animals. I love the animals. But dude – I don’t think I’ve ever seen more pregnant women in one place before in all my LIFE. It was like an epidemic. And pregnant teens. Now that’s wholesome american fun for ya. Dropping out of high school to have a baby and live with your baby’s daddy who may or may not have an actual job or a high school education. Weird.

Anyways… what else? I’m starting to work a lot. Wee! Which means everything is finally falling into place. Wee! I’m getting fatter though. Which is a bummer. So from now on I’ll be much more diligent about working out regularly and eating well. It’s hard to do when you work in a bakery and the baker is always making you things. Special. Just for you. Don’t you want one? No? You work in a bakery. What’s wrong with you? You don’t want a giant piece of cake? Well how will you know how to sell it then? I’ll cut you a small piece. There ya go, honey. Eat up. Nomnomnom.

Bath Time Fun 7


Obviously I suck at this game. And claire is only mildly better. It was a grizzly bear.

Fucking Squirrel.

Cool People

I’m just not one of them. It doesn’t come naturally to me. There are those people who are always ahead of the trends (maris) and there are those people who can grab clothes off the floor and ruffle their hair and poof they are hipster/trendy/accidentally fashionably chic and then there is me.

I’m not a total doofus. It took years and years of training to pull myself out of doofus but I think I’ve definitely graduated to at least a cut above. Part of the reason i could never actually live in San Francisco is because I’m just not cool enough. For serious. It took me pretty much an entire year to feel comfortable going to the store in my sweats. And downtown? Forgetaboutit. I always felt under dressed even when I tried! I mean, i guess towards the end I did buy a giant butterfly purse (LOVE)

so I guess SF did rub off on me in a totally non STD, homeless guy kinda way. Anyways – I totally digress.

I’m not cool. Sometimes I wish i was but then I think about how much effing energy it would take and I’m relived that I can sit around and joke with my boyfriend about how this one time i farted while being on skype and claire was all “did you just fart?!” but if she would have just kept her TRAP shut then Kamel would have never known and we would have all been just FINE without that information but instead he was all “I TOTALLY HEARD THAT” and haha now it’s just a riot to bring up again. Heh. Or sit around with my room mate, claire, while we’re both on our computers and crack up over videos of animals with human voice overs. Oh the little things.

This is all a huge build up to the fact that I got a job today. Working in a bakery (fun!) as a barista/front counter lady. And I’m telling you right now it’s not that cool. It’s not a snooty emo coffee job at the independent place down the street where they play obscure tunes and look under fed and do mass amounts of amazing coffee art. My coworkers jeans and tshirts that aren’t made from organic cotten and aren’t purchased at an ironic yet not too ironic tshirt shop. They wear sneakers and gap jeans and joke about the snooty old danish ladies who demand to pay 50 cents for what is now a 2.50 danish. They use words like snooty and not bitchy. It’s a nice place to work. And I’m probably going to get about 50% less tips than I would working somewhere else but I have a feeling I’ll really enjoy the people and the customers and the smell of butter and cinnamon every single day I roll into work. And even though I’ll miss the money, I won’t miss the attitude.

Bath Time Fun 5&6

Sorry for the several day delay. I know you all were on the edge of your seats. Who can resist the intrigue of sponge animals smooshed into desolvable pills? Not I, for one, that’s for damn sure. Except we got busy… with lives, sort of. Does a movie with my parents count (hi mom! hi dad! even though you still refuse to read my blog). Anyhoos. Bath Time Fun 5 kept the score at 0-0. I guessed Buffalo and Claire guessed Moose. It was indeed a Coyote.


No surprise there. We lose.

But then the unthinkable, the unimaginable, the only-hoped-for occurred…. I guessed Buffalo again (Buff-alo! Buff Buff! Alo Alo!) and claire once again guessed moose and guess what?


It was a mother fuckin moose. Can you believe it? Claire is ON THE BOARD ladies and gentlemen. ON THE BOARD. It is now 1-0:Claire, and I need to bring my A-GAME to tomorrow’s double featuer. It is ON.

Just Give Her A Second

After all the beautiful tear filled wedding moments in the month of august, I bring you this.


How easily could that be me? I mean for reals. Let’s be honest. And then all of a sudden I’m down “tying me shoe” trying not to pee on the alter. Lord have mercy.

Bath Time Fun: 3&4

Ok so we actually had something to do last night (what was that? we have lives? Don’t get excited – the big event for today was eating salads at the pizza place on the corner.) so we skipped our bath time fun and instead did two for today. They were both blue. Claire guessed badger both times and I guessed grizzly bear both times and both times we were….


SO INCREDIBLY DEAD WRONG. A bat and an alligator. WE LOSE. Score stays at 0-0. Claire is convinced this is just going to keep getting easier. I don’t believe a word she says.

Bath Time Fun: 2

Rubber ducky you’re the one, you make bath time so much fun….

well….it actually started out as a pill


And then later became a wolf.


Aaawooooo!!

Claire voted squirrel and I voted badger. Still 0-0. Fuck. We’re bad at this game.

Do I Have A Degree Yet?

Here is how the conversation usually goes:

“Congratulations on finishing! That’s so exciting! What are you doing now?”

“I’m trying to get a job barista-ing or cocktailing or something so I can have my days to write.”

“Oh… are you getting published? Do you have a book agent?”

“Not yet, I’m working on short stories and increasing my portfolio right now. But I’ll be figuring all that out after the new year.”

“Oh. Short Stories… heh…. really…. Well that sounds great!”

Just in case you wanted to have that conversation with me – oh look!! It’s already been had, so you can feel at ease now.

The weird thing is, there was a gathering, a celebration of talent where I read (SUPER WELL I DID GOOD FOR REALS), family and friends were involved, drinking ensued… it felt like graduation, professors referenced it as graduation, but you know what? Somewhere out there, a box with my thesis is floating around being judged and it could take up to six months before i get the A-Ok. So… am i degreed? Or…? I’m gonna pretend I am. Cuz I am, right? You were there. Well, not you, but some of you.

Anyways, I’m writing new things. YAY! And I’m looking for work! I’ve gotten a few nibbles but nothing jumping out at me. If you know any place that needs a barista, or a really hot cocktail waitress that only has coffee experience, lemme know!! I can hustle with the best of them. 🙂