Episode 42: The TV in the Bedroom

1. ) The people have spoken and no TVs in the bedroom.

2.) This is a week late because I forgot to record 1 thing and then we kept meaning to do it and then I kept falling asleep at 8pm and now here we are a week late.

3.) Kamel gets to say the intro on this one. Were you shocked? Did you have to check your podcast app to make sure you were listening to the right one?

4.) Thank you all the people who called in, I appreciate every single one of you and I love hearing your stories and I promise next time we get listener stories I will give you all more than 4 days to get them in. My bad.

Compromise is hard. Holding firm to the shit you just won’t budge on is also hard. Relationships are HARD.

 

Episode 41: Compromise

This week we are talking about what we absolutely would NOT compromise going into a relationship. What are your no-goes. What are your lines in the sand? What things define you that you wouldn’t give in on? And which of those items did you eventually not care about? Where DID you compromise?

In this episode we talk about it, and we end it wanting to hear from you!!

Please have a think, have a listen, and then call and leave me a voicemail, or 5. As many voicemails as you want. Tell me your relationship compromises or lack thereof.

Number: 415 275 0551

**We need all stories by Thursday night. We will listen and record on Friday morning. So get me those stories! Don’t let Kamel and I be the only people who talk about stuff.

Ps. Fae turns 3 this week, so this is the show photo you’re getting. <3

Episode 40: End of the Year Survey

It’s the end of the school year. So we decided to do something fun. It’s partner survey time!!

Next week we’re going to put out a call for listener feedback. Topic still in discussion. But get ready to hear (and tell) some stories that are not just about me and Kamel.

But for now, on to this week’s chats.

Episode 39: How Marriage Has Changed You

If we are not continuing to grow as individuals, then what are we even doing? Maybe that is too harsh of a view, but I often find that I have really high expectations for myself and others. I don’t feel bad about it. We should be striving to become the best versions of ourselves.

In all of those big, transformation life moments we should also seek out change. That’s what transformation is. But changing through a marriage can seem slower and harder to spot than the transformation experience of becoming a parent. One day you’re not a parent and then the next day you are. Poof.

This podcast topic was brought about when I noticed some change in Kamel that was slow slow ever so slow to reveal itself over 7 years of marriage and 9 years together.

It is also brought to you by this quote I read by Donald Glover:

“That’s what love I think really is at the end of the day,” he says. “It’s not even like a selflessness, it’s like an understanding that I’m making a safe place for you. It’s not safe out there. Somebody’s out to get you – that’s just nature. That’s just the nature of being, and I feel like yeah you can totally love somebody and still look out for yourself. But I think the question really is, do you see that thing or that someone else as part of you? If you see us, we’re a people together, we’re a tribe together – we depend on each other. Then you always are gonna want the best for them I think.”

How has marriage changed you?

Episode 38: The Challenge of Transitions – Part 2

Transitions continue to be hard for Kamel and I, even with all the practice we’ve had. Even with the compassion we attempt to bring to the table. Even with therapy, even with positive outcomes.

The hardest part of marriage, for me, is that there is another whole person standing next to you the whole time. This person has their own baggage, their own way of dealing with stuff, their own needs. That means part of my life now is responding to this other alien being who shares my house, my kids, my bed. Who shares my life. That’s hard. I really did hate Kamel through recording at least half of this episode. And when we stopped recording he hated me too. But then we were fine again.

Of the time we’ve spent being together here are all of the major transitions we have weathered:

-Lauren moving back to Seattle
-Lauren moving back to San Francisco
-Engagement
-Moving in together
-Commute and job changes
-Getting married
-Moving out of the city
-Pregnancy
-Adding that third tiny roommate
-More moves
-More job changes
-Moving back to Seattle
-More job changes including unemployment
-Second pregnancy
-Second new tiny roommate
-More job changes including unemployment
-Buying a house
-More job changes

Fin.

Just kidding. We’re about to be married for 7 years in July. This is just the tip of the iceberg.

Episode 37: The Challenge of Transitions – Part 1

So much of life revolves around transitions. We transition when we change schools, when we move cities, when we change jobs, have kids, get married, break up, move in together, get a pet, and on and on and on. We are either coming out of or heading to some kind of transition. And yet, transitions don’t seem to ever stop being HARD. They hard to adjust to, hard on our stress levels, and hard on our relationships.

This week’s podcast begins with Gabriel discussing his next big transtion: Kindergarten in the fall.

This is a two-parter because we literally ran out of time. This week is a lot about Kamel’s reaction to our family’s transition of moving to Seattle and his new job and how that impacted him and by proxy ME. Next week we’ll revisit it and talk about how I react to transition and how I’ve seen that impact our marriage.

We are also looking for stories of transition from you! Leave us a voicemail (About a min long before it cuts you off) and tell us about some of your biggest transitions.

We’ll record next on Friday, so get your messages in by Thursday (5/24) night. Call 415 275 0551

Do it! Call now! It will be fun! Hearing from you is my favorite.

Episode 32: Chores: We’re, Uh, Doing it Wrong?

It has officially been a year of podcasting! What? I feel like it’s been 5 years of podcasting. Ha. Not that I am an expert, but I haven’t I been doing this for way longer? Crazy.

On this episode we hear from YOU! With a Kamel and Lauren commentary track plus tangents. Things I learned:

  • We are apparently immature babies about doing chores and there is clearly a more elevated system we are not capable of.
  • Some of you have some SWEET setups!
  • I want in on that.
  • Everyone needs a house husband.

If any of you are also immature chore losers, or of the elevated variety, please discuss in comments! I am genuinely fascinated by how others manage to do the dirty work of life.

Episode 30: No Trade-Backs

Today is a call to action!! We are talking about household responsibilities and Kamel’s constant wish that we could switch it up and my constant reply of “No.”

But now we really want to hear from you. How do you break up the house work? Is it a space of tension or is it seamless? Do you feel like you do more or less or equal? Does your partner bitch about it? Let me into your world! And share it with the rest of us.

Also if you have opnions on how Kamel doesn’t want to do the kitchen anymore and I won’t let him quit, feel free to share on that as well!

Voicemails are needed by December 16th. 

The number to call is: 415 275 0551

Episode 28: In Sickness and In Health

The podcast has returned!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In this episode we talk about what it was like for us to go through a major medical event (not pregnancy and postpartum life) within our marriage. This is something neither of us have had a lot of exposure to. The photo above was titled “the face of troopers” and was taken the day after kamel’s surgery when shit was hard and stressful but we were making it happen!

In the episode I reference an article I read from the caregiver perspective. It’s really interesting and honest and you should definitely read it. It’s called What it’s like to be married to someone with two chronic illnesses.

Enjoy season 2 (yes we’re still at season 2), Episode 28!

Misogyny Lives Here

Today is election day. It’s one of those iconic moments in history where it could either go one or or another and the ripples will be felt in either direction. I’ve had a post brewing for a few weeks now so I thought today would be a good day for it. As the nation faces yet again the unmistakable glass ceiling and this election that was more about the treatment of women, and especially women in power, more than any other issue. This election that was in so many ways a slap in my face, the daughter of two generations of strong working women. That we are still fighting this fight and being told we are less than, is un-fucking-believable.

My own mantra has been that if I expect the world to be a certain way, then it better also be that way in my own house. And guess what, world… misogyny lives here too.

It creeps in. It’s sneaky. It happens when my husband tells me how to make myself happy even when I strongly disagree with him. When he insists that the things I want are not the things I want and the reason I am pissed/frustrated/annoyed are really because of something completely different.

It’s how I know where the baby socks are. Or where we keep the crib blankets. Or where the baby wipes live. And my husband has to ask me.

Its there when it is assumed that I am home with the children even though I work full time, sometimes more than full time. But I work from home, so that must also mean I can watch the kids.

It’s there in the gas lighting. THE GAS LIGHTING. That I try to battle by calling it out when I see it. To which my husband shrugs off, “I hate when you say that…” I know a fix for that.

It’s there when I have to work late and my husband is annoyed by this, tells me it shouldn’t be this way, that I work too much. But when he is on a deadline, and oh how he has been at the most inconvenient of times, we make that work. Not that I am a saint and have not been annoyed at last minute solo-parenting, but in general? It is, “you need to push that button at 3am? No problem. You need to go to that work function at 7pm? Totally ok, I’ve got it. You need to work through dinner with your laptop on the table next to your plate? I get it.” Where is my career support? I’m sorry me being tired is an inconvenient.

If misogyny lives here, then it lives most everywhere in the hidden nooks and crannies of our lives. And sometimes not so hidden. It’s in the assumption of primary care give for the children, or the uneven distribution of household chores, or the ability for partners to have hobbies outside of work or home that are just givens to their happiness without there being a balance.

Kamel told me a few days ago that he is voting for Hillary Clinton, not for himself – because he is a privileged man whose life wouldn’t change that much in either direction – but for me. Because he’s seen the bullshit. He’s seen the grotesque inequality and how much harder I have to work at it all. And these are kind, loving, empathetic comments. Even though they are wrong. He’s right about the privilege. But a world that is fairer and kinder and better for the most amount of people, is a world that benefits him too.

Even if we get our first female president today, there is still so much work to be done. And it starts at home.