I feel overly sacrificial lately. Sharing my body, needing to be places, do things, put on the good face for others. The holidays, once you are a grown up, become about compromise.

Would I have enjoyed spending the entire 2 week holiday hubub securely placed in bed? Staring at the wall? Doing nothing but getting up to pee every hour? Yes. Yes I would.

What did we do instead? Had people in town, hosted and attended various Christmas celebrations, played tourist, bought a lot of cheese, ate a lot of cookies, ran errands, went to restaurants, and on and on. Good things, exhausting things, some things I didn’t feel like doing at all, but guess what? The holidays are not all about me, they are bigger than me, and participate to the fullest I shall.

But it leaves me feeling rather sacrificial. It’s an annoying feeling. I’m not generally one to feel put-upon. Like, please. We all have our burdens to carry and we all do for others, especially during this time of year, so spare me.

It’s this feeling that makes me exhausted by the idea of marriage.

UGH MARRIAGE. Why you gotta be so …. taxing?!

Being bound to someone else when you have enough on your plate grates on me. And in so many ways I would not be nearly as successful at life as I am now without Kamel. It is not Kamel, specifically, that leaves me wary. It is my strong pregnant (read:human?) desire to be absolutely selfish. Sometimes I just don’t WANT to have to think of another person in my daily choices. Sometimes I don’t WANT to be paired with him. Sometimes I don’t want to have to share my space, my bed, my bathroom, my closet. I just don’t want to. I am weary from musts and compromises. I have reached the edge of my rope. Add to that motherhood and it is martyr Lauren, patron saint of sharing when she doesn’t want to.

Do you ever feel like just the act of not being a starfish in the bed is simply asking TOO much of you?

Or having his THINGS all over the place, as if he lives here too, is just too much of an imposition?

I wish I could take a vacation from being needed. A vacation from playing along, from being nice because it is the right thing to do. Gross. What am I a toddler? But wouldn’t it be great, just for maybe a week? I’d take just a day at this point.

A few days ago I was secretly eating one of the chocolate bunnies that Kamel’s family  brings back for us from Mexico. And by us I think I really mean Kamel. I mean, I’m sure it is ok if I eat them too, but we all know that Kamel loves them the most most most. And then I thought about how sometimes the benefits of marriage are that I get the perk of being able to eat my husband’s special dessert when he isn’t looking. I mean, I could always have my own chocolate small furry animal, but I wouldn’t have known tiny chocolate mexican bunnies even existed if it weren’t for Kamel. It occured to me that these...

So much is written here and other places about the struggle of marriage. Sharing your life with someone – all of your life with them – is rough at times. It takes a lot of effort and thought, a lot of patience and kindness. But! it is also fantastic and absolutely worth all of the annoying, frustrating, tough times (if you’re in a good one). After I wrote the post on marriage not being the end zone, I received some comments abut how hard marriage seemed and how it doesn’t seem all that great from the outside. I think that happens because so much of what is talked about in mainstream society puts marriage as the happy...

Yesterday’s post, though honest and fraught with the reality of my swollen hot feet and sweaty knee-pits, bothered me all day. I kept thinking about how it wasn’t the post I should have written. How the lightening storm was great, but it was actually a small piece to a larger puzzle. I thought all day and even into my happy hour with Claire about how to say what I want to say, but I am still coming up blank. Since we’ve moved to Seattle things have been good, I have been happy, we have so many opportunities here, we have a much better quality of life, there are a thousand and one excellent things about our world right...

People watching at fancy hotels is the best. Such a strange group of people. You realize that money doesn’t make you pretty and that humans are just humans, bathing suits and bellies and bottoms and tan lines and burn lines and hairy backs. And we all just want to get some sunshine, order a beer, and go for a swim. “Oh man! Look at that guy!” Kamel said, “He’s roasting! He looks like he’s smoked a thousand cigars. He looks like, he looks like…” The first thing that came to mind was the word “Tanning” …. but I didn’t mean it in the “lay out in the sun and get a...

This weekend was one for the books! Staycation, celebrating our 5 years of knowing each other, and our first night away from Gabe! Last year for our anniversary we went to Target after work, got stuck in traffic, and then ate take out at 7:30 at night while the baby cried. This year we decided to treat ourselves and spent 2 nights at the Four Seasons Seattle. The weather just happened to hit 90 degrees on Saturday. It was at July anniversary miracle. The Four Seasons were kind enough to supply us with a real crib, complete with bumpers and sheets and a quilt. Plus all the Johnson and Johnson baby products you could ever wish for AND a...