I have been keeping a blog for 10 years. Some of it does not exist anymore, but some of it still does – which YIKES. In those 10 years I have always greatly loved this format. It has been a huge resource for me and a huge outlet and excellent writing practice.
This is the first time that I am finding myself questioning if I want to continue this space and that is scary.
If I am being super honest I have felt my confidence greatly shaken in the last few months as far as my ability to write interesting, engaging articles. I have major concerns that my posts are dull and lifeless, repetitive, vapid. I rarely feel they are initially, but then after they go live they do not feel as rich as I want them to be. I feel kind of like I’m failing.
And then there is this other thing. There are topics I really would love to write about. Sometimes they are all I can think about, but I cannot write about them because it would be inappropriate. Not sexually inappropriate, but from a person to person level, a privacy level, it would almost seem mean spirited. That’s been a real struggle for me. That has been a real struggle for me – the things I really need to work out for myself, the things I would love feedback on happen to be things I can’t write about.
I spend a lot of mental energy trying not to fill every post with stuff about Gabe. Sometimes I want to tell you about how he has been a fucking mess lately. Or how he violently prefers Kamel right now and how that made me cry last night because … I fucking made you inside my body and we had this connection that I totally semi-made up in my mind for almost a year and you are technically still a baby and goddamn it love me!! But I don’t want this to be the house of Gabe. This is the house of Lauren. Acknowledging all of my bits and being mindful about them is hard right now. I feel like large parts of me don’t exist at the moment. They are invisible and I have to be patient until they come back.
I worry that if I am not consistent with writing here that I will lose readers and as cliche as that sounds it weighs on me. It shouldn’t matter, everyone says it shouldn’t matter, but if I’m being 100% honest it does matter to me.
So there it is, I’m feeling lost. I’m not sure what I’m doing anymore. Kamel tells me that it is a phase and it will pass, and that could be very true. So I’ll still be here, chugging along, until I figure it out.