Alright ladies and gentlemen. It is now time for me to give you my what the FUCK moment of the week.
Last night I had an amazing happy hour with Tricia and then later in the evening met Kaitlyn downtown at Purple for a few glasses of wine and a few hours of non stop chatting. By the end of the evening i was glowing in the awesomeness of my friends. AWESOMENESS. Anyhoos…. So the evening is winding down with Kaitlyn when this banker looking wanker (i love when i get the chance to rhyme) walks in and as he passes behind the two of us asks
“So what’s good in here?” and even though we were totally rudely interrupted we both kind of shrug, say we don’t know then say “uhh, wine.” He proceeds to sit down next to me. Word to the wise… DO NOT ENGAGE – DO NOT.
Did I mention that Kaitlyn was wearing a SMOKING HOT drapy sweater dress like you see in the movies, and some kick ass heels? Hot-ness. Me on the other hand – jeans, grey tank, black tshirt with my orange shruggy thing, plus black flats. Hair in a pony tail. Not exactly my come-hither attire is all I’m saying. But dude is next to me. Great.
And turns to me and asks, “Does it smell like steak in here?” And we both reply “umm, no not really.” And he goes…. “Oh maybe it’s you.”
AND THEN HE SNIFFS ME. At my shoulder and my neck. Let me repeat that… dude motherfucking SNIFFS ME. Then comes to the conclusion that “Heh… you smell like steak.”
Without batting an eyelash i reply, “Yeah i get that a lot.” And then he SNIFFS AGAIN and says “And oregano.” To which I reply, “Well I am Italian.”
This entire time I am trying to shoulder him out of my conversation with Kaitlyn by completely turning my back to him. Apparently my “get the fuck away” stance isn’t working. So Kaitlyn and I promptly jump off the bar stools and head out to find a cab.
And although I was joe cool in the bar, the minute we walk outside I am all I SMELL LIKE STEAK!?? AND PIZZA SAUCE?!! And Kaitlyn is laughing and assuring me that no, i do not, but that wow that guy was a D-Bag. But even by the time I get home I am still unsure so when I retell this story to claire I eventually make her smell me and tell me the verdict. Her response: “You smell like a WOMAN. Like vanilla and cinnamon and everything GOOD”. Well I guess that’s perk number two of working in a bakery.
But seriously… WHAT THE FUCK?!
I’m just not one of them. It doesn’t come naturally to me. There are those people who are always ahead of the trends (maris) and there are those people who can grab clothes off the floor and ruffle their hair and poof they are hipster/trendy/accidentally fashionably chic and then there is me.
I’m not a total doofus. It took years and years of training to pull myself out of doofus but I think I’ve definitely graduated to at least a cut above. Part of the reason i could never actually live in San Francisco is because I’m just not cool enough. For serious. It took me pretty much an entire year to feel comfortable going to the store in my sweats. And downtown? Forgetaboutit. I always felt under dressed even when I tried! I mean, i guess towards the end I did buy a giant butterfly purse (LOVE)
so I guess SF did rub off on me in a totally non STD, homeless guy kinda way. Anyways – I totally digress.
I’m not cool. Sometimes I wish i was but then I think about how much effing energy it would take and I’m relived that I can sit around and joke with my boyfriend about how this one time i farted while being on skype and claire was all “did you just fart?!” but if she would have just kept her TRAP shut then Kamel would have never known and we would have all been just FINE without that information but instead he was all “I TOTALLY HEARD THAT” and haha now it’s just a riot to bring up again. Heh. Or sit around with my room mate, claire, while we’re both on our computers and crack up over videos of animals with human voice overs. Oh the little things.
This is all a huge build up to the fact that I got a job today. Working in a bakery (fun!) as a barista/front counter lady. And I’m telling you right now it’s not that cool. It’s not a snooty emo coffee job at the independent place down the street where they play obscure tunes and look under fed and do mass amounts of amazing coffee art. My coworkers jeans and tshirts that aren’t made from organic cotten and aren’t purchased at an ironic yet not too ironic tshirt shop. They wear sneakers and gap jeans and joke about the snooty old danish ladies who demand to pay 50 cents for what is now a 2.50 danish. They use words like snooty and not bitchy. It’s a nice place to work. And I’m probably going to get about 50% less tips than I would working somewhere else but I have a feeling I’ll really enjoy the people and the customers and the smell of butter and cinnamon every single day I roll into work. And even though I’ll miss the money, I won’t miss the attitude.
Sorry for the several day delay. I know you all were on the edge of your seats. Who can resist the intrigue of sponge animals smooshed into desolvable pills? Not I, for one, that’s for damn sure. Except we got busy… with lives, sort of. Does a movie with my parents count (hi mom! hi dad! even though you still refuse to read my blog). Anyhoos. Bath Time Fun 5 kept the score at 0-0. I guessed Buffalo and Claire guessed Moose. It was indeed a Coyote.
But then the unthinkable, the unimaginable, the only-hoped-for occurred…. I guessed Buffalo again (Buff-alo! Buff Buff! Alo Alo!) and claire once again guessed moose and guess what?
It was a mother fuckin moose. Can you believe it? Claire is ON THE BOARD ladies and gentlemen. ON THE BOARD. It is now 1-0:Claire, and I need to bring my A-GAME to tomorrow’s double featuer. It is ON.
After all the beautiful tear filled wedding moments in the month of august, I bring you this.
How easily could that be me? I mean for reals. Let’s be honest. And then all of a sudden I’m down “tying me shoe” trying not to pee on the alter. Lord have mercy.
Yesterday Maris and I went on a
pilgrimage roadtrip to a small town on the coast of washington that gets a lot of rain and a lot of 14 yr. old girl tourists. That’s right….
Me: “This is it? This is …. it? This is the whole thing?”
Maris: “Yes, Lauren…. It’s a small town. This. Is. It.”
Pause while we drive and look and i sink a little further down in my seat.
Me: “Ok for one, the sun is out so edward wouldn’t be able to come out anyway because he’d be all sparkly and shit. And two – I’m actually kind of disappointed there aren’t any supernatural events occurring right now.”
Maris laughing: “Lauren!!”
So we drove
around through twice with a mix between slightly mortified to even be there because we were sure “people new” cuz we “looked like twilighters” i mean “why else would we be here?!” and totally PUMPED.
We drove to the highschool where classes were most def in session, the parking lot full, where i kept trying to convince myself (among many many locations) “ok this was definitely in the movie. For sure. This looks totally familiar.” And maris kept saying “it’s a parking lot” but then started taking pictures so YOU CAN’T FOOL ME MARIS.
When we pulled out there was this amazingly large sign for the highschool all carved out of wood and maris pulled out her camera to take a picture while I just idled right there in the middle of the street. There were no cars so we were good. But then when i saw the picture I squeeled “TAKE ONE CLOSER UP SO WE CAN SEE THE WORDS.” I would just like to say right now that by no means were we at all cool about this. I type this like “oh yeah we went to the highschool” but… for reals? We drove around LOOKING FOR FORKS, WA HIGHSCHOOL AND THEN TOOK PICTURES. And it was right about this time that we fully realized how ridiculous we were as a truck pulled up behind us and i’m yelling GET IT MARIS GET IT And she is zooming like it’s her job and i start to pull away and she exclaims GOT IT! And we are laughing so hard we can’t breathe and are starting to cry. And I’m sort of driving so the truck can kind of just pull around me while we giggle uncontrollably in my car. Then maris chokes out “I… have never been… more mortified… in my entire… life.” And right then I knew the day was just about perfect.
Raging example as to why I love Maris…
Scene: Walking back to the car from safeway where we got Diet Cokes and an assortment of unhealthy snacks:
Maris: “Ok I have a serious question… Do you like Cherry or Strawberry flavor better?”
Me: “Are we talking fruit or candy? Or the entire flavor spectrum?”
Maris: “Mmm… in general… what do you like better? I mean I like eating strawberries better than cherries but cherry flavoring better…”
Me: “Hmm …. I’m gonna have to go with Strawberry because EVERYTHING has a cherry flavor and strawberry is just harder to find.”
And then she reached into her bag and threw me this:
God I love you maris. Don’t ever leave.
Ok so we actually had something to do last night (what was that? we have lives? Don’t get excited – the big event for today was eating salads at the pizza place on the corner.) so we skipped our bath time fun and instead did two for today. They were both blue. Claire guessed badger both times and I guessed grizzly bear both times and both times we were….
Last week I got two calls for jobs. One scheduled me a same day interview but the guy seemed shady and i just didn’t feel like getting out of my sweats at that exact moment. Call me lazy… or call me intuitive. Whatever – even I can’t decide. So I just didn’t show up. Then on friday while I was in SF for Ryan and Katrina’s wedding I got another call, which i promptly returned after I got out of District 9 (Wow intense, go see – you’ll like), left a message for the lady and never heard from her again. This week I am nothing but available and yet i receive no calls. Why? Because I have smited the job gods and now they are punishing me. I wasn’t ready on their schedule so they aren’t playing nice with mine. Humph. In the meantime I’m getting all sorts of antsy. Remember 2 months ago when I quit my job? (well some of you will and some of you are new. hi!) Well for a solid two months I was all “I don’t even WANT a job. All I want to do is WRITE” well now I’m bored and now I want a job and now the jobs have all clammed up and gone away because the universe never lets me have what i want, instead it likes to watch me squirm for a while until it decides in it’s GREAT BENEVOLENCE that I deserve a crumb here or a smidgen there. And so I wait. Cursing my earlier smiting.