I haven’t posted like I should be because I have been dog paddling my way to a distant shore. I am actually exhausted by the constant discussion of my busy schedule. God, it’s so boring to constantly talk about the disheveled nature of my physical space, my mental space, and my calendar.
On Saturday night I had this moment of: I don’t like this life. My entire day is about the kids! About their schedules and about their meals and about the things we have to do. I don’t want to, but we have to. Because the ramifications of doing it later are even worse than the inconvenience of dragging my sorry butt in the direction of have to right this second.
I do not always feel this way, but lately I have been feeling remarkably ungenerous. That feels like not a word. Maybe because we don’t use it often. I have not felt selfish. That is not the feeling. I have felt as though I have nothing left to give. Or maybe I do, but I just don’t want to. I need to squirrel it away just for me. I’m talking like a thimble full of energy and patience that I am saving for myself. It’s stupid. I have no more understanding, I have no more gritting my teeth and smiling. I’ve run out. I don’t have any more extra time. I don’t have anymore mental space for managing any other person aside from those I made with my own body. I’ll at least take responsibility for that.
It’s not always this way. But right now I just can’t get ahead of it. And my body ACHES for a fucking vacation. A real one. Even with the kids. It’s been two years since Kamel and I went on a vacation where the only schedule we were on was our own. Where I saw new things and felt filled up by new experiences and foods and active leisure. Two years. And I’m drowning in the every day. My inspiration well is empty. I am slogging through the have-tos and swallowing the bits of myself that want to say fuuuuuuck this, this SUCKS. Because this is responsibility. This is grown up life. This is the business of all of that.
Plus I had an ear infection all last week.
Here is what I want for this week: I want to work out every day. I want to walk to Walgreens and get my passport photo taken so I can update it like I should have done 6 months ago, I want to wax my lip (nothing fancy, just in my bathroom, but finding the time for even that seems to have ESCAPED ME), I want to not fight with Gabriel about bedtime every single day, I want to find a house we like and can afford, I want to feel centered and calm about work projects and deadlines, I want to get a jump on the major events of this month so that I am not scrambling last minute. Some of these things will not be accomplished, but a lot of them will. I hope.