I Turned My Hair Blonde(r)

A few weeks ago I walked into my salon with a bunch of saved photos of ladies with rockin’ hair and I said “I want to look like this.”

I do not feel like a blonde person. My identity is not blonde. I have brown hair and pale skin, and I look great in red. These things I know. But since approaching my 31st birthday and for probably a handful of months before that, I have felt OLD and TIRED and BORING and OLD and throw in some more OLD in there. Like deep in my bones haggard.

I look at myself in photos of my friends and I don’t think, “hot damn, girl.” I think, “ugh.”

I look in the mirror and I see exhaustion. I see messy hair and tired, tired eyes, and a total lack of luminescence. Where is my sparkle? It got sucked out of me by two tiny humans and a lot of have-tos and stress and the juggling of adult life.

But I am only 31. I am not ready to become old and tired and haggard and sad. I don’t ever want to be, but certainly not NOW.

A few years ago, before I had Fae, I was sitting in my cubicle at work and I had this jolt of sads. I felt like I had missed my opportunity to reinvent myself and take grand fashion risks. I felt that the person inside me was not being reflected outward. That I was way edgier and way cooler, and way more willing to take big risks. Except now, I needed to be professional and I needed to uphold a certain amount of who-knows-what, and that risky time had passed. I had MISSED it.

It took the confidence of being in my 30s to realize: No. I have not missed it. I can do whatever the hell I want to my style or my hair or whatever. And it doesn’t mean anything. It only makes a statement if I want it to. If it doesn’t work, oh well, try try again. Going blonde doesn’t have to mean anything other than I wanted to try something new to see what would happen.

It’s not like it ever is that deep, but sometimes these decisions FEEL that way. What will other people think? What if it looks bad? What if I hate it? Those questions seems so loaded. And I do swirl them around in my brain. I do ask friends for opinions and sit on it all for a minute. I was going to go grey/lavendar, but after researching it the upkeep was just not something I was willing to do. I am nothing if not low maintenance. And I don’t like having roots. So chunky blonde it is!

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I also did something super vain. And, like, whatever. Sometimes we need to do things just because they make us feel pretty, add a skip in our step, or erase an insecurity.

I went and got an airbrush spray tan! (After the above photo… for clarity) And it was kind of awesome. It was a little bit of an adventure because there are things that need to be done (like not showering or working out or getting wet for 12 hours after application), and I did stand in a room in just a disposable thong with a lady where a gas mask as she painted me with a sprayer thing. Overall it was awesome! I saw many people after I got it done and no one even commented on the fact that I looked tan, but it did take the winter grey out of my complexion. They had a range of tan options from 1-4 (like a spicy scale at a thai place) and I went with a 2.

I’m reporting on this because I was a little embarrassed by it initially. Like, seriously? What am I on the Jersey Shore or something? But it wasn’t like that. I avoid sun burns like crazy, and am adamant about sun screen and I still can burn. I don’t want premature wrinkles, sun spots, or cancer. But having some color is just NICE. And! And! What I do with my body, or what anyone does to their body shouldn’t be shameful. Even if it’s as silly as a spray tan. Even if it’s botox or lip injections or whatever. Ok, maybe the people who turn themselves into cats deserve some side eyes. But, those choices don’t have any bearing on my life! So, you do you, kitty.

At the end of my two week blonde/tan transformation, I definitely felt less crappy. Definitely more like I have my shit together and less like the frumpy ugly duckling in old gap maternity t-shirts. I’m still in my gap maternity tshirts, I just feel better about what’s underneath.

Getting Lauren back. One transformation at a time.

8 thoughts on “I Turned My Hair Blonde(r)”

  1. I really love the blonde!

    Also, when I was looking at the (preview) photos of Fae’s baptism on FB, I kept thinking about how YOUNG you look, in that hot mom way. I definitely didn’t think you looked old, before, but your workouts/haircut/tan is really working for you πŸ˜‰

  2. I love, love, love the blonde! It’s fabulous on you. And I’m glad you talked about the scariness of changing your look. I have an appointment this afternoon to take off some major inches and make a drastic hair change. It’s exciting, but I am so nervous. And feel so silly and vain for feeling so nervous. But your solidarity helps! πŸ™‚

  3. I’m glad you feel better and the blonde looks great! If nothing else, too, it’s just FUN to change things up every once in a while. As someone who currently has lavender hair, you are DING DING DING correct about the insane upkeep, which I did not think about before doing it. And I feel really vain with the amount of time I spend thinking about and doing stuff to my hair, but it makes me feel pretty so whatever. πŸ™‚

  4. I thought you’d been looking great as well, but how you feel is paramount and I’m so happy you were able to get out and get those colors and that spray tan. I’d never ever judge a spray tan. A real tanning booth would have me worrying but spray tan? Psh, go get it.

    I’ve been idly considering chopping off 12+ inches of hair and seeing yours makes me feel more Yea! about it. Of course, your hair has a ton more body than mine and I hate going back for trims regularly so maybe that’s a Nay.

  5. I bow down to your ability to parent with your hair down!! My baby thinks my hair is the next best thing, for a binky, a climbing tool, a rattle, everything. It is up in a messy bun thing about 98% of the time these days.

    I love love your color!! Plus I read that some types of spray tan have aloe and good junk in there and actually improve your skin so get it!!

  6. Ok, since you’re lifting the veil on your awesomeness, will you also tell us: how do you get the hair to wave just so in the back? Do you curl it? Do you wake up like this? πŸ˜‰

    1. Ha! In that particular picture – that was the same day I got it done in the salon. But how you do it is with a flat iron. And you curl it with a flat iron in casual chunks around your head, mixing up the direction you curl it and then you kind of break them up, make them a little messy. Voila! I had to practice to get it right bc I am dumb at hair tools. I am getting better with each time I try it! It takes like 5-10 minutes tops, which is why I can commit to it hahaha. And you can do it on dirty hair when you roll out of bed. It hides bed head like woah.

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