Where Did Lauren Go?

Where am I? I have been asking myself this question. Where did I go? I have been drowning in survival. You guys know this. I mention it sometimes. And it is also very apparent in my lack of posting, and the parent-centric themes I touch on now, much more frequently than ever before.

WHERE ARE YOU LAUREN?

Where did Lauren go?

It is so important to my inner core of self that I continue to have adventures, continue to do things that challenge me, continue to have FUN that doesn’t involve my children or my family, but is jusst about me. It is important to my creative soul, to my inner voice that I have new experiences, to travel, to experience art, to LIVE this whole life. And wow doesn’t that sound privileged and whiny? It does. I apologize.

It’s just that… my wells have run dry. I have not gone anywhere new, experienced new culture or new food, or done anything that pushed myself beyond myself for reasons that were not: Children, Job, Family… in almost 2 years or more?

I am not just this one part of me that works all day, stairs out the same window with the same view, does the same bedtime routine with the kids, wears the same stretched out leggings, and eats the same Trader Joes taquitos every day for lunch. None of us are those things. But here I am.

I have felt older and more tired and the least inspired I have ever felt in my entire life during the last 5-ish months. I am just now starting to recognize the why. I don’t want to feel this way anymore. I don’t want to feel old and like I look like a grey, worn out ghost of my former self at 31. I should not feel like the oldest, saddest looking one of my friends when I go out. I should not feel like an empty shell. Where did Lauren go? It’s time that I do the work to find her.

5 thoughts on “Where Did Lauren Go?”

  1. Oof. I have been in this same space recently, so this hits home. It was pushing me towards a dark, listless depression. I had to enact some “radical” parental selfishness, and book a trip away from home…no child, no partner. Just my best friend and me, for 5 days in NY. We ate, drank, laughed (and laughed), hit the galleries/museums, a show, shopping talked about art and creation and love and life and sex and politics, worked on our new podcast concept, and you know what? I came home, feeling like myself again (and wanted to straight back to NY). I get incredibly restless and frustrated when I feel like I’m not drinking in new experiences and challenging myself, and I gather that you are the same, in that regard. Parenthood is a huge obstacle in meeting those needs. As bad as I was feeling, I didn’t even realize the magnitude of it, until I got away for a bit. Maybe you could carve out a few days to do the same, in whatever way is meaningful to you? You are not old, or gray, or lifeless. You just need a boost-you DESERVE a boost.
    Thank you for always giving a voice to how so many of us feel-you rock.
    jh

  2. I TOTALLY understand this feeling, and I don’t have 70% of the responsibilities and obligations you do!

    I just recently started a book called “The Artist’s Way”, which is like a combo self-help book/workbook for creative types. It’s about finding ways to carve out time for your artist self and really nurturing that part of you. I am…not entirely sold on it yet, truth be told. But there have been some good insights in there, and I’m giving it a shot. It might be nice for you as well!

  3. I am looking forward to someday being able to be me again and not just mama. And to being a just us with my husband. I am not by nature terribly restless and do not need adventures like you do, but I am looking forward to pursuing my own interests too and to not have two small people constantly crawling all over me. Also, in relation to sleep (or lack thereof,) I saw this today and thought it was funny.

  4. Not that it solves the problem, but I was looking at your Insta earlier and thought how nice and so….grown-up you looked. <3 I am lighting a candle for your adventures to come. (WE SHOULD ADVENTURE.)

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