Things, February

Buying a house is on the horizon. It has me scrutinizing finances and obsessing over zillow. Lately Kamel and I have been having a lot of future talks. The last few years have felt like they were riding us and we weren’t so much riding them. Our life was in fate’s hands to a certain degree. And isn’t it always? But we are craving some control back. Where will we spend our money? How and where will we spend our time? What do we want our lives to look like? We have made some big decisions about travel for 2017 and 2018. I know, I know… YEARS away, but it gets to a point where spontaneity is rare, and absolutely non existent when it comes to large purchases with small children. I know for sure that I want our lives to have more family adventures in them, kids and all. I look at our Maine vacation video and it feels so incredibly far away. But money and time and time and money and making choices that leave some things out, that probably piss off some people, but that include aspects of life that make us feel whole. It’s always a choice.

Sometimes I look at this apartment and think: we can’t possibly leave it, we can’t possibly pack all of this with two kids and move and unpack and oh god that is so overwhelming. Most of the time, though, I think: we can’t possibly stay here.

The more I work and do the jobs I do the more I feel and think and moan: I need to be running something, I need to be the point person, the lead. When is it going to be my time?

Sometimes there is so much I want to write and talk about on here and I can’t. It creates a quiet space when I want it to be loud, loud, LOUDER. Not everything is appropriate for the public. Not everything needs to be said. Even though the desire to write and discuss and share can feel overwhelming. I don’t know how true non-fiction writers do it. Every discussion I’ve ever heard about this struggle in non-fiction has ended with, “you just have to write it anyway.” But do you? Do you? For the benefit of what? I just don’t need that kind of drama or knowledge that I’ve embarrassed/hurt people in my life. No thank you.

That being said, I will say 1 thing. Opinions don’t always need to be shared. We live in a world of SHARE. Share your car, your apartment, your life, your mind, your words, share it all. Yet, sometimes… sometimes… it’s too much. It’s unnecessary, unneeded, and truly exhausting.  The way I choose to parent, the decisions I make in my life, the things I choose to go against the grain on or not think about it and flow with the main stream (see what I did there), happen whether I talk about them or not. Sharing what I do, how I feel, or my own opinions/criticisms of how other’s choose to parent/live/etc helps absolutely no one. It doesn’t change how I do me, it doesn’t change how you do you, but it does piss off and alienate people. In this corner of the mental space, we need less sharing. You do you, I’ll do me. If I have some insight to share on how I’ve done me that I think maybe other people may enjoy, I’ll fill everyone in. But there is no point in pushing and pushing and pushing however I think and feel on the masses who are just getting through their day. All it does is make me hate you. And I would so much rather not.

4 thoughts on “Things, February”

  1. Zillow-stalking is the best! And yeah, I don’t know how non-fiction writers do it either. I mean, there are so many things I can’t talk about on my blog, because blogging and writing aren’t what I do full-time so I have a professional life to guard and keep safe from all raised eyebrows. So maybe it’s easier if it’s like, your only meat and potatoes, and people just get that everything in that writer’s life is fodder…but for the rest of us, maybe not.

  2. Moving… We want to move so badly, but there are some big practical issues in the way. Not unsurmountable, but there. And then I can’t imagine leaving this house. The first house we’ve shared and where we brought both of our babies home. But we want to be closer to my sister and to have an actual yard and to not share walls with people. I’ve been doing a lot of Zillow stalking too, I get daily emails from my saved searches, it’s so much fun!

  3. I can sort of hear your conflict in that last paragraph because on the one hand, Yes! And on the other, blogging is so much about sharing, opinions, thoughts, life, etc. My own writing is always about me working through what I think, even if some of my writing might come across as stating a clear opinion about a thing. I’m almost always using writing to think through my stance, my life.

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