In general I have a hard time crossing stuff off of my Life Experience List. Stuff like – get engaged, get married, have your first kid, etc. those things I have a hard time saying “Done! Old news!” … I so prefer to live in the before, where every possibility is still… possible. When it happens I am happy, and then afterwards I feel loss. It’s done, it’s over, no more what-ifs, that was it. It happened.
So now I’m done having kids. It happened, that was it, those were my experiences. No more daydreaming. This is my family. And that feels good, it feels solid, but it also feels sad.
There is a different kind of loss I find myself struggling with. As much as I love, absolutely adore my daughter, I very much miss the time when it was just the 3 of us vs the 4 of us. That time is over. It was a period of time in my life and now that period of time is done. And I am mourning it. I miss being able to spend all of my extra attention on Gabriel. I miss the ease of just having 1. I miss the closeness I felt with him that has now changed. And there is sadness in that.
These feelings are hard because I don’t want to have them. I wanted to give birth to Fae and feel an overwhelming calmness that all my people had arrived. Deep breath, assess my kingdom, ah yes all is well. But that’s not how I feel. I feel stretched thin and conflicted. I love my children, I love seeing them interact, and I know that will only grow, but that’s not the whole story.
I miss what was. I am mourning a bit the fact that this is it, that was that, the experiences have been experienced and it was what it was for better or worse.
I know, too, that there will be many more feels like this. When my kids become…. actual kids, when our relationship changes again and then again and again. Nothing stays the same, we are always evolving or we … don’t. Which is definitely worse than the growing pains and the bits of loss.
Right now I am untethered and floating. I am surviving. I am moving forward one foot in front of the other, getting through the morning routine, getting through the days home alone with Fae, getting through dinner and bed time routines, all while trying to cherish them and be in the moment, all while exhausted, all while trying to give of myself to my kids, to my spouse, to my people, and give of myself to… myself. I’m running low on self and I miss old me, I miss our family of three, regardless of how much I adore our fourth member. It is what it is.