It Happened, That Was It

In general I have a hard time crossing stuff off of my Life Experience List. Stuff like – get engaged, get married, have your first kid, etc. those things I have a hard time saying “Done! Old news!” … I so prefer to live in the before, where every possibility is still… possible. When it happens I am happy, and then afterwards I feel loss. It’s done, it’s over, no more what-ifs, that was it. It happened.

So now I’m done having kids. It happened, that was it, those were my experiences. No more daydreaming. This is my family. And that feels good, it feels solid, but it also feels sad.

There is a different kind of loss I find myself struggling with. As much as I love, absolutely adore my daughter, I very much miss the time when it was just the 3 of us vs the 4 of us. That time is over. It was a period of time in my life and now that period of time is done. And I am mourning it. I miss being able to spend all of my extra attention on Gabriel. I miss the ease of just having 1. I miss the closeness I felt with him that has now changed. And there is sadness in that.

These feelings are hard because I don’t want to have them. I wanted to give birth to Fae and feel an overwhelming calmness that all my people had arrived. Deep breath, assess my kingdom, ah yes all is well. But that’s not how I feel. I feel stretched thin and conflicted. I love my children, I love seeing them interact, and I know that will only grow, but that’s not the whole story.

I miss what was. I am mourning a bit the fact that this is it, that was that, the experiences have been experienced and it was what it was for better or worse.

I know, too, that there will be many more feels like this. When my kids become…. actual kids, when our relationship changes again and then again and again. Nothing stays the same, we are always evolving or we … don’t. Which is definitely worse than the growing pains and the bits of loss.

Right now I am untethered and floating. I am surviving. I am moving forward one foot in front of the other, getting through the morning routine, getting through the days home alone with Fae, getting through dinner and bed time routines, all while trying to cherish them and be in the moment, all while exhausted, all while trying to give of myself to my kids, to my spouse, to my people, and give of myself to… myself. I’m running low on self and I miss old me, I miss our family of three, regardless of how much I adore our fourth member. It is what it is.

9 thoughts on “It Happened, That Was It”

  1. i love your honesty. you put into words exactly how i feel about my life. i have a 7 month old, whom i love, but sometimes i still, even 7 months in, miss the relationship i had with my husband when it was just the two of us. i give most of my energy to my baby, because he’s helpless. it’s hard to have any left for myself, my husband, my job, my friends, my family…

    anyway, thank you. i don’t feel so alone now. xoxo

  2. Thanks for your honesty. I wish people would talk more openly about this kind of feeling. I feel the longing of loss over my life with just my husband and my dog now that we have a kid. And I love my kid, more than I thought I would, but change is still hard. Owning up to these feelings is important, and hearing that others feel the same way is helpful to everyone

  3. A couple of friends and I were discussing the sadness that is the completion of family the other week, but in a slightly different vein – we have all had just one pregnancy and are done, and it really seems like EVERYONE we know is pregnant with their next babies at the moment. And while we are happy with what we have, its a bit sad to be left behind again.
    And its sad to look back at all those moments and know we wont be having them again!

  4. I am, as you know, kind of obsessed with the idea of other lives and the things we don’t (or can’t or didn’t) choose. This is beautiful and I relate to it so much more than people who say things like, “This is 100% how is was meant to be and how it was always going to turn out!”

    And, this is only who and how your family is for now. It’s going to change and grow when your kids grow up and meet their people and discover who they are and what they love in life. Still many unknowns, yet to come! 🙂

  5. I feel this way so much about my life before having our only child. I miss being a family of two with my husband. I LOVE my kid and am so glad she’s here, but sometimes I just yearn for that old life and it makes me sad that things are different now. It always amazes me how we as humans can have so many sincerely-held and yet conflicting feelings inside us at the same time.

  6. <3 Yes. I miss each iteration of our previous lives even while adoring the current situation. LB is at a really fun age and yet I really miss the tiny bundled up stage you're in right now even though that was The Hardest for me, physically and mentally. And I love our Seamus who is ever so good with LB but I miss our Doggle, who would have loved to have a baby, except the crying would have broken his soul. So many layers of life experience.

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