Why I Hate Men

I woke up on Monday hating men. I am not sorry.

Here’s the thing – I have said and written (probably) about how I’m a feminist, yadda yadda, and how I don’t hate men, I love men, how I don’t want to rule men, I just want to be treated equally. Is that so hard?

But the truth is I’ve had a smoldering outrage building and building and building inside me the older I get, the more I see, the more I experience. And now I feel like it’s not just about equality, it’s about survival. I feel like I’m coming off like a doomsday prep-er, but I barely even care.

My awareness and outrage began building over many small things throughout my adult life. In college during a gender studies class I was the only one in the room to self identify as a feminist. I think this speaks to a lack of education on what that means and the social acceptance that gender inequality enjoys right now, has always enjoyed. When I was 19 I had a boyfriend scold me for wearing a tank top and a messenger bag. He told me that my school bag pushed against my boobs and made people look at me.

But it wasn’t until the most recent upheaval of legislature pushing back on women’s health issues that threaten to push gender equality back 30, 40, 50 years that I really started to feel under attack. It wasn’t until I got pregnant the first time that I really understood the importance of abortion as an option, the importance of easy and affordable access to birth control, and how punishing women in the workforce for pregnancy is a huge culprit in workplace inequality. And by punishing I mean not being accommodating for pregnancy disabilities, not awarding bonuses if a woman is out on maternity leave even if she works and achieves the vast majority of the year/quarter/etc. Not hiring pregnant women. Having a minimum of time spent at an employer before you are eligible for maternity leave (if you get it at all). Being wary of promoting a pregnant woman or a woman with children because her time may be valued elsewhere. Because the most powerful, company running men in the world are all single without children, right?

Conservatives want to restrict or abolish access to abortion, and conservatives want to be able to pick and choose what kind of healthcare coverage they offer their employees if it doesn’t mesh with the core beliefs of the company. Except none of those health related issues have to do with men. There is no insurance restriction on Viagra or penis pumps based on an arbitrary value system. Penis pumps are actually covered by medicare. 

So these political things are on going: The slut shaming of Sandra Fluke after speaking to congress. Hobby Lobby and the Supreme Court. Wendy Davis and her filibuster, her necessary filibuster to block a bill that would have shut down 37 of the 42 abortion clinics in the state that provide a wealth of women’s health to an often impoverished and desperate population. And on and on and on. If those things aren’t enough to make me feel personally attacked, like a war is being waged and my vagina is at the center of it – don’t worry! There’s more.

There is the growing Men’s Rights Movement that discusses lowering the age of consent in order to lower the number of rape charges (among many other horrific mindsets). Because who are the real victims in rape accusations? Men, of course.

There was Elliot Roger’s Manifesto and his crusade to murder innocent women around the University of California Santa Barbara because, according to him, they wouldn’t have sex with him and that was a crime punishable by death. This also shed a light on how big, graphic, and angry the Men’s Rights Movement really is. Especially after so many came out in chat rooms supporting his martyrdom.

There are the domestic violence statistics that say every single day 3 women die due to domestic violence. Here are more facts.

On a base level there is Men Taking Up Too Much Space on The Train. This is the perfect example of entitlement and privilege. When the rest of us are squished, with bags in our laps, elbows in, knees crossed, pregnant and standing, disabled  and having to insist on a seat, men spread ’em wide and never even think about it. It’s not malicious, of course not, it’s just a given.

Then there is everything about pregnancy and child rearing. That socially it’s seen as a woman’s job, a woman’s sacrifice. Do it all and do it all well. It’s my choice as a woman to be pregnant so it is also my burden to carry. This child is 50% his, but let’s not inconvenience the fathers with having to go to all of the doctor’s appointments. Let’s not wake them during night feedings because we wouldn’t want them to be tired at work. Let’s not expect them to make professional sacrifices in order to be home with a sick kid, wouldn’t want them to miss out on that big work opportunity he’d get to travel for, men can’t really be trusted to ask the right questions at the pediatricians office anyway, right?

And now I’m having a daughter and what kind of world am I bringing her into. The kind where women’s health is still politicized, where walking down the street without comment is a privilege and only one you can enjoy if you’re in the company of another man. Where catcalling is a compliment, bitch, can’t you take a complement, I’m just saying you look good today. A world where if she has babies her partner may be ushered into the dad’s club of working from home possibilities, an understanding male boss who looks the other way when he’s got to check out early to grab a sick kid, while she takes the smallest amount of time off after giving birth so that the family doesn’t lose too much money and she doesn’t look too bad to her employer.

I woke up on Monday hating men because, whatever… I’m tired of you, men. I’m tired of playing nice and trying to get you to see my side of things. I’m tired of arguing semantics and politics and who has the right to what and what freedoms are we really restricting, and and and they are MY freedoms you’re restricting. Those are my streets I’m waking down, with my legs that don’t require a comment. That’s my seat your shoving your knee into on the bus, and no I will not give you a smile. Does the United States really think a company is going to have its feeling TOO hurt by providing birth control to female employees? That if a company provides birth control then the company might not get into heaven? I mock that. I mock it all day long. And I don’t mock the Men’s Rights Movement, I take it seriously. It’s a terrorist group made up of people who hate that they can’t just take whatever they want whenever they want and the desire that binds them happens to be between women’s legs. My legs. The legs of the little girl inside my belly.

So we’re no longer buddies, men. I don’t think we ever really were. You probably think I’m crazy and need to lighten up anyway.

36 thoughts on “Why I Hate Men”

  1. Right there with you. I’m sick and tired of hearing men whine about losing rights when they face any woman trying to just be treated something like equally. Someone tried to argue “Oh the poor menz of the MRAs they are forced to act like this by the feminists” on a friend’s blog and my outrage nearly scorched the internet. It’s exhausting being a woman and what kind of world are we passing to the next generation?

    We persevere but it doesn’t mean it’s not BS and that those men aren’t horrifically privileged and entitled. They can go suck it.

  2. I’m casually dating right now. Not seeing anyone in particular. Seeing 2 guys off and on; here and there. One guy found out that *occassionally* he’s not the only person I see. Flips out. Wants me to PICK him. Calls me a slut and a whore and a cunt. Because when I guy sleeps around they get a high five and a “way to go” but when a girl sees THE SAME 2 MEN — not a different person every night, even though men do that too — I’M a slut. I’M the whore. Then a few weeks later he contacts me again, wanting to hook up. I told him you don’t get to call someone a slut and a whore and then demand sex. He says “you’re my little slut”. No you fucking pig. The point is I’M NOT A SLUT. Fuck men is right.

    I know this isn’t as deep as some of the other issues touched on, but it’s jumbled in with all the mess too. And I needed to vent.

    1. I forgot to add he had the nerve to say that *I* forced him to say those things by antagonizing him. I’m pretty sure I don’t control any part of you. Just like you don’t control any part of me. Don’t they hear the words coming out of their mouths? It baffles me that, that’s even a legitimate thought in his head. And he believes it. …

      I also just wanted to say thanks for the encouragement. For a hot minute I was letting seeds of doubt creep in and was starting to think maybe he was right. It’s good to hear strong women behind you pushing you on.

  3. Hear hear! Being a woman in this society is brutal and grinding. Embracing a scorch the earth, take no prisoners approach to defending feminism as helped but I really just want to tear the whole system down.

  4. I recently attended a trailblazing leadership for women talk at my company and this quote basically got a standing ovation “I don’t want to ‘act like a man’ or ‘lean in’. I want to redefine the systems and structures so that they work for women. I want to understand and learn from women who are trailblazing.”

    I’m sick of being told to be grateful for my 12 weeks paid mat leave, of being talked over in meetings, of working very hard to keep the housework in my marriage equal, of being seen as shrewd for earning most of (and managing) the money.

    1. On a very grass roots level, working to keep the maintenance of the home even is something I hold firm on, and you’re right it takes work. And it shouldn’t. Kamel is actually an amazing partner and dad and most of the things I ranted about were actually societal “norms” vs what’s happening in my house, but if I wasn’t diligent about refusing to do more than I do in the house, I would easily fall into a working/parenting/cleaning routine of constant motion. Easily. Kamel, for all of his good qualities, has absolutely no problem hanging out and watching a movie while I’m folding laundry and running around – and that’s FINE as long as I also get my sit down time and he’s also busting hump to keep our family running.

      1. “[male partner’s name], for all of his good qualities, has absolutely no problem hanging out and watching a movie while I’m folding laundry and running around.”

        I just finished Lean In, and have to say, EVERYONE should read it. I don’t care if it’s pop-lit or whatever (which is kinda what kept me from picking it up). It is full of facts, and anecdotes, and makes me angry and proud at the same time.

      2. Lauren, if you have time, I’d love a post on how you and Kamel manage to try to keep the housework more equal. Now that I’m back at work, I’m finding that I’m stuck in that working/parenting/cleaning routine you talk about. I work longer hours than T and yet I’m the one running around after dinner cleaning the kitchen, making lunches, folding laundry etc before getting to sit down for 15min before the baby wakes up for her last feed before I sleep 90% of the time.

        1. Yes! I can do this. It might be boring, but it was a struggle for at least the last 4 years and we finally have it down so I will share. But so many households do things their own ways that work, I don’t want to step on toes!

  5. It’s exhausting to fight for every scrap you get and then your expected to coyly and shyly (ladylike) say thank you. I really resent the fact that just because I have the physical mechanics necessary to carry our baby I have to go to every single doctors appointment and take time off work but there is literally no way around it.

  6. I hear you. I wasn’t an angry feminist until I got pregnant with a girl, and then I got really, really angry, and also tired, and depressed, and I that’s exactly where I still am. I used to be one of those girls who just wanted to hang with the guys, but not anymore. Even the very, very good ones do not get it.

  7. I’ve been angry my whole life and having a baby only made me so much angrier. Which means I’m no longer listened to because emotions. (Since you can’t make succinct and valid points if you have feeeelings.)

    Preach it, sister.

  8. I’ve been so angry too. It is exhausting. Lately I’ve been struggling a lot because I identify as a Christian, but I’m finding it so, so hard to believe in a book and a god that so many people use while they try to hurt and control other people. Because even the Bible that is supposed to bring me comfort is full of men abusing women, condemnation for various lifestyles … and I just can’t. And that’s simultaneously heartbreaking and a relief to say.

  9. THIS to your entire post.

    I had my last straw two nights ago watching a cooking competition and the dude was flirting with the woman the entire time and when he lost, he BLAMED HIS LOSS ON HER, SAYING SHE WAS CUTE.

    nope. done. THAT’S IT.

  10. “The legs of the little girl inside my belly.”

    Oh my gods, yes. As a mother, you want to protect your babies and this simultaneously terrifies me to have a little girl and makes me want one even more.

  11. Everywhere. I work in the food pantry and clothing closet of a nonprofit. We have a staff of five. We are all women (all incredibly competent, bilingual, highly intelligent women). Some of what we do is use electric pallet jacks to move food and clothing donations around. It’s not difficult; waaaaay dumber people than us use electric pallet jacks every single day. I don’t think a single day goes by without one of us getting a “Do you have a license for that thing?” or “Are you sure you know how to use that thing?” or, my favorite, some man trying to “help” by PUSHING the pallet, because of course he’s such a He-Man that his measly weight would make a difference in moving a 3,000 lb. pallet of potatoes.

    And yes, even the good ones, the ones who say, “Wow, you’re pretty good with that thing”…well, they never say that to the 65-year-old man who works in receiving, who doesn’t know how to drive a car and took six months to learn how to use a pallet jack.

    And yes, it’s easy to feel whiny for even mentioning men’s stupid pallet jack comments–today I had to escort a homeless, schizophrenic, victim of domestic violence out of the building because she was screaming at the pigeons outside the window–but it’s all part of the same stupid system. And even if we come across as whiny or over-sensitive, we shouldn’t be embarrassed to be impeccable in denouncing their BS, whether it’s thinking a woman can’t use a machine, or beating up your schizophrenic girlfriend.

    Thank you for this, Lauren.

  12. This is one of the main reasons I was (still am truthfully) scared of having a son. How do you manage this feeling when talking about the future man snuggling on your lap? I hate the idea that I could hate him. When I try to express this to my friends or husband I say “with a girl I can be afraid for her and help empower her, with a boy I am both afraid for him and OF him.” And I mean this in many aspects of his life. Physical safety (fear of his being molested AND fear of him being a predator), advancement in life (fear of him not getting opportunities AND fear that his birthright entitlement is stepping on someone else). I hate it because I love him so much and his being a part of a group that I could fathom to hate hurts. I try to figure out how I’ve managed to love his father through all of his man-ness and just assume it will fall into place similarly to that.

    1. Thankfully, the men of tomorrow are not the men of today. I think masculinity is also having a shift, what being “a man” means is definitely changing. There is a pushback on the hyper masculine and a bigger embrace of a guy with feelings. Stoicism in relationships and parenthood is fucking overrated.

      1. Sorry, but on a historical timeline tomorrow is today. But yeah, we’re working on it and I hope my baby is on the right side of that equation.

  13. Reading these comments (and this whole article) gave me a glimmer of hope. So many women out there are brainwashed and clueless to the point they side with the males when it does not benefit them to do so…I’m glad there are many women out there smart enough to realize there are still many changes that need to be made

  14. Been feeling like I’m irrational for having a subliminal aversion to men recently and I must say, this post just bullet pointed my reasons succinctly. Thank you for this. I’m tired of hearing men say “smile!” If I’m furrowing my brow in the grocery store. Excuse me, sir, but would you say that to another grown ass man? No? Then fuck off.

    These kinds of every day small interactions make me irate. I’m glad I’m not the only one that has a burning passion to set the record straight.

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