I am now in my first full week of leave and I have to keep reminding myself that part of the reason I’m taking this time off is to rest. That this pregnancy has been very physically demanding, that I am sore and exhausted and I don’t feel well 9 days out of 10. Like, it sucks. I want to be able to say, “I have all of this time… FINALLY! Now I can get so much done!” But then, like yesterday, I try to finish a cooking project and standing in the kitchen makes me woozy so I have to stop.
Two pregnancies later I am coming to terms with the fact that some people function amazingly well while pregnant, and some don’t. It has nothing to do with how active you were before or during, it has nothing to do with what you eat or don’t eat. I’m sure those things can help in some capacity, but just like the end result – do you have a 30 hour labor? Do you pop a baby out and jump in the shower? Do you have a C-section? – It is out of our control. None of that is due to choices I make.
But it’s difficult. We are programmed to feel like we have the ultimate control over ourselves when we don’t. We can overcome anything! Mind over matter! And sometimes, yes. But I can’t make myself NOT feel like I have the flu, not even t 30 weeks pregnant. I can’t make myself not out of breath when I’m huffing up a hill. I can’t motivate myself to chase after Gabriel, to hold his 30+ pound frame for long periods of time. I guess if I had to or he would DIE, I could… and it would hurt me, fuck up my nerves and my hips and my back even more than they already are. I wish I could just will myself to sleep through the night, I wish I could sleep propped up just right and make my swollen sinuses back off so I can breath. I wish I could make the bloody noses stop.
And in 10-ish weeks it will get better. (And then my nipples will crack and bleed, my hair will fall out, my stomach will sag.) And I will no longer have the time I have now to get the things done I need to get done. The baby is here in one form or another getting in the way of all of my plans. Cheeky.
But it’s hard, because I want to be enjoying this phase just as much as all the other phases in my life. Ok, there were definitely some phases in my late teens, early 20s that I just gritted my teeth through – but you get me. This of all things should not be nearly a year of, “just get through this.” It’s all the time we get, it’s the last pregnancy I’ll have. And god I can’t WAIT for it to be over.