As I’m huffing and puffing up a hill after lunch yesterday, a lunch I thought I might hurl up because somehow my stomach has migrated to the base of my throat, I felt constricted by my own skin. By my own SKIN! I had this image of my back seam or front seam splitting open to reveal the true Lauren within!
The physical aspect of this pregnancy is so much more apparent. And I’m actually having a really hard time with body image this time around. Last time, I had some first trimester panic of OMG I’M CHANGING AHHHH. But this time I’m so much more interested in covering up and hiding my curves. I feel lumpy and HUGE. The hugeness is happening so much sooner. I didn’t get into full panel pants until the third trimester with Gabe, but this time I can barely STAND the demi panel options I have. They cut in, they fold over, it’s awful. I still have more than a month until 3rd trimester. And the largeness is just beginning… so much largeness happens in the next few months.
(Third trimester starts at 28 weeks!)
Even though I have (So far) only gained about 15 lbs I feel so much bigger than last time. I do not feel as put together in the clothing department and I feel extra lumpy. I am carrying in my hips. I went up a size in underpants (just do it if you think this could be you, because ahhhh sweet underpant relief), and I’m worried about buying future full panel pants in my usual size and then regretting that choice in 2 months.
I am slow. Breathing is hard. I don’t remember this being a thing until the final two months with Gabe. The mall became a vast desert of walking that I could not comprehend. But now there are days where my feet ache in the evenings. My sciatic nerve wigs out at least once a week. Two nights ago I fell over onto the bed when I went to pee in the middle of the night because my right leg was just a ball of searing nerve pain. I never waddled with Gabe, but now I feel like a lumbering giant.
In several ways this pregnancy is easier. I know what I’m doing, I’ve planned ahead, time with a toddler FLIES. I can’t believe I am already this far along. Poof it’s going to be April, then Poof! May. But in some ways, the physical ways, it is harder. I can’t carry Gabe for very long. He is 32 lbs! My sad little core can’t take it! I can’t chase him as well as I should be able to at the park. I have a hard time thundering behind him as he tries to desperately catch the little vicious squirrels. I feel extra vulnerable esp if I’m out alone with Gabe. I am not as physically capable as I was last pregnancy, and now I am also in charge of a squirmy little life that insists on testing all boundaries of recklessness. I have a little boy who just wants to be freeeeeeeeeeeeee! And I’m the pregnant mom preventing him from running behind a car pulling out of a spot in a parking lot, or going head first down the cement stairs. I’m the one running behind him clapping my hands to scare away the little squirrel demons as they fake charge at him.
I shattered my phone last weekend. My arms were full and I went to slip it into one of the many bags I was carrying but it went down the side instead of in and SMASH. Glass slivers.
I’m ready to not feel like a blimp driven by a noob. But I know it’s going to get worse before it gets better.