I keep thinking about having more children…. or not. In my ideal world I would love pregnancy and then I would live on some amazing plot of land in a giant house and have a writing studio from which I could watch my beautiful gaggle grow and play. It would also be in a city. And everyone would have amazing jobs and there would be amazing schools and walkable grocery stores and farmer’s markets. Perhaps I would also paint and enjoy gardening.
Ideal worlds are fantasies of fantasies.
Back in the REAL WORLD. Here are a few realities:
– The idea of KNOWING that I get my body back forever and ever (until it betrays me in old age, that is) after this kid comes out makes me SO EXCITED FOR LIFE. Excited as in joy wells up inside of me like it does when you know something really great is just around the corner.
– Having only 2 children would be financially doable, whereas 3+ will be incredibly constricting for travel, education, any amount of fun that costs any amount of money, the size of house we’d need, and on and on.
– Being absolutely DONE making humans at 30 leaves me a lot of room for career and personal goal reaching. Think of that. Think of a decade focused on the million projects I have spinning in my brain. What possibilities are there? So many!
– But what if it isn’t a girl? And honestly, I ache for a girl. The beginning of the second trimester and still seemingly so far away of knowing who this second child actually is. (Who are you my little bunny frog? Who will you be?)
– What if I feel like our family isn’t yet complete?
– And ultimately, making such a solid decision, choosing: NO MORE. It means shutting a door on possibilities. On a certain kind of possibility. On the choice of having more children. Making this decision means this is it! For us, it would be something we could not reverse.
Basically, our quality of life for everyone included would greatly benefit from only 2 children. And this excites me. But then i think… This is my last pregnancy? My last baby? Should I feel more panicked about THIS BEING IT? About cherishing every moment? About only having 1 more baby that falls asleep on my chest and snuggles me in the carrier?
I have no desire to live in that constant fear of THIS IS IT. THIS IS IT, LAUREN. Somewhere in my mind tickles at me to maybe consider it. Maybe consider the gripping panic of “You’ll never be 13 weeks pregnant again!!!” but the rest of me swats it away.
That’s right. I’ll never be 13 weeks pregnant again. But I will be so many other things.