Oh Martyrdom

I feel overly sacrificial lately. Sharing my body, needing to be places, do things, put on the good face for others. The holidays, once you are a grown up, become about compromise.

Would I have enjoyed spending the entire 2 week holiday hubub securely placed in bed? Staring at the wall? Doing nothing but getting up to pee every hour? Yes. Yes I would.

What did we do instead? Had people in town, hosted and attended various Christmas celebrations, played tourist, bought a lot of cheese, ate a lot of cookies, ran errands, went to restaurants, and on and on. Good things, exhausting things, some things I didn’t feel like doing at all, but guess what? The holidays are not all about me, they are bigger than me, and participate to the fullest I shall.

But it leaves me feeling rather sacrificial. It’s an annoying feeling. I’m not generally one to feel put-upon. Like, please. We all have our burdens to carry and we all do for others, especially during this time of year, so spare me.

It’s this feeling that makes me exhausted by the idea of marriage.

UGH MARRIAGE. Why you gotta be so …. taxing?!

Being bound to someone else when you have enough on your plate grates on me. And in so many ways I would not be nearly as successful at life as I am now without Kamel. It is not Kamel, specifically, that leaves me wary. It is my strong pregnant (read:human?) desire to be absolutely selfish. Sometimes I just don’t WANT to have to think of another person in my daily choices. Sometimes I don’t WANT to be paired with him. Sometimes I don’t want to have to share my space, my bed, my bathroom, my closet. I just don’t want to. I am weary from musts and compromises. I have reached the edge of my rope. Add to that motherhood and it is martyr Lauren, patron saint of sharing when she doesn’t want to.

Do you ever feel like just the act of not being a starfish in the bed is simply asking TOO much of you?

Or having his THINGS all over the place, as if he lives here too, is just too much of an imposition?

I wish I could take a vacation from being needed. A vacation from playing along, from being nice because it is the right thing to do. Gross. What am I a toddler? But wouldn’t it be great, just for maybe a week? I’d take just a day at this point.

9 thoughts on “Oh Martyrdom”

  1. Q: Do you ever feel like just the act of not being a starfish in the bed is simply asking TOO much of you?

    A: YES.

    Honestly, I felt like that long before pregnancy. Pregnancy just gave me a good VISIBLE reason to opt out even though even absent any active fibro flare-ups, it makes me feel as bad as any usual shitty day as a fibro/chronic fatiguer. (Which is a whole other annoying ball game when I feel that crappy but people can’t SEE the reason so of course I must be making it up.)

    Thanks to the triple whammy, I actually chose the opposite this year though. I only toughed it out in a very very limited fashion for the holidays and I wasn’t apologizing for it one bit. I had that “luxury” since it’s still just 2.5+dog of us, not 3 🙂

    So um. No I don’t think it’s unusual to feel a bit put upon/martyred. 🙂

  2. Oh, I feel you. I don’t want to share my Ben & Jerry’s that I have squirreled away in the depths of the freezer, but I do like him when he gets up for Elliott in the middle of the night. It’s a constant give-and-take and it is exhausting. I do believe (as I think you do) that it is worthwhile. I do feel that I am so much more because of what he brings to the table. And, there’s Elliott. I’ll take a million compromises in exchange for one of his baby hugs. (FWIW, though, I do believe you should have some time before the baby comes to get a massage and be a starfish. Tell Kamel I said so.)

  3. “Or having his THINGS all over the place, as if he lives here too, is just too much of an imposition?”
    HA! This made me laugh out loud.

    I know the feeling though and I don’t even have to share my own body right now. Keep fighting the good fight. Schedule in some starfish time (or something else “decadent” that you can spend an hour or two doing) and let it help you recover a bit.

  4. This was the first holidays where I definitely realized it was not all about me which is a bummer since my birthday is 2 days before Christmas. So many people to see and then if you don’t see them so many guilty feelings. I tried to spend as much of it lying down on my bed or couch, but the martyrdom is really back now that I’m at work. I have to come here to make money?! And for what to have nice things?! Ugh, I miss college.

  5. Every time I come home and the last bit of leftovers has been eaten (leftovers that I have no specific claim to) — yes. A thousand times yes.

  6. YES. This is me lately. Completely. And I thought I was the worst bitch ever but I’m glad you’re right there with me.

    Just kidding. Glad to know it’s common.

  7. “Do you ever feel like just the act of not being a starfish in the bed is simply asking TOO much of you?”

    THIS. My goodness. My fiance woke me up two days in a row at 3am because he was far too close and all I could think was, I have forever of this…

    I am so glad I’m not the only one thinking these things Lauren. Schedule some starfish time before that baby comes and relish in the good things that marriage brings!

  8. Oh thank god it’s not just me! I am SUCH the martyr, mostly because part of being a good wife/mother for me is sacrificing everything for my husband and son (because this is what I saw my mother do my entire life)…..but there are days when I just want to put my foot down and be selfish (and I’m not pregnant, so I think it’s a human thing). Oh, you’re lying down on the couch, husband dear, because you’re tired because were out late last night drinking with your mates? HELL NO! You get up and take care of our son while I (the one who was up for two hours last night trying to convince said child to go back to, and the one who has a wicked sinus infection) try and get an hour or so sleep. (That’s not how it went down, BTW. Hubs feel asleep in front of the cricket and I took the Boy for a walk in the 33 degree heat, cursing the hubs name the entire way).
    Keep telling it like it is, Lauren. You make me realise that I’m not alone with my thoughts, that there are other people out there thinking what I’m thinking, which is so nice x

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