I feel overly sacrificial lately. Sharing my body, needing to be places, do things, put on the good face for others. The holidays, once you are a grown up, become about compromise.
Would I have enjoyed spending the entire 2 week holiday hubub securely placed in bed? Staring at the wall? Doing nothing but getting up to pee every hour? Yes. Yes I would.
What did we do instead? Had people in town, hosted and attended various Christmas celebrations, played tourist, bought a lot of cheese, ate a lot of cookies, ran errands, went to restaurants, and on and on. Good things, exhausting things, some things I didn’t feel like doing at all, but guess what? The holidays are not all about me, they are bigger than me, and participate to the fullest I shall.
But it leaves me feeling rather sacrificial. It’s an annoying feeling. I’m not generally one to feel put-upon. Like, please. We all have our burdens to carry and we all do for others, especially during this time of year, so spare me.
It’s this feeling that makes me exhausted by the idea of marriage.
UGH MARRIAGE. Why you gotta be so …. taxing?!
Being bound to someone else when you have enough on your plate grates on me. And in so many ways I would not be nearly as successful at life as I am now without Kamel. It is not Kamel, specifically, that leaves me wary. It is my strong pregnant (read:human?) desire to be absolutely selfish. Sometimes I just don’t WANT to have to think of another person in my daily choices. Sometimes I don’t WANT to be paired with him. Sometimes I don’t want to have to share my space, my bed, my bathroom, my closet. I just don’t want to. I am weary from musts and compromises. I have reached the edge of my rope. Add to that motherhood and it is martyr Lauren, patron saint of sharing when she doesn’t want to.
Do you ever feel like just the act of not being a starfish in the bed is simply asking TOO much of you?
Or having his THINGS all over the place, as if he lives here too, is just too much of an imposition?
I wish I could take a vacation from being needed. A vacation from playing along, from being nice because it is the right thing to do. Gross. What am I a toddler? But wouldn’t it be great, just for maybe a week? I’d take just a day at this point.