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What My Secrets Are

I’m pretty much madly in love with Mary Lambert and this new song made me exceptionally happy the other day when I heard it on the radio for the first time. In honor of this, let’s talk secrets:

  • During quiet moments at work I totally caress my chin hairs
  • Sometimes I can’t pee if I know someone is in the stall next to me, and then I I get self conscious that I’m not peeing and then I have to like FORCE myself to pee just to break the awkward no-pee stand off.
  • I really only put pants on to leave the house or when people are coming over.
  • I’m always shocked at how I look when I see videos of myself and I am never happy with it.
  • I wish I would have gone to school to be a psychologist. I think I would have been so good at it.
  • I like beets, I tolerate broccoli, I enjoy green beans, but what I really want is an endless supply of Lucky Charms.
  • Sometimes I fantasize about throwing Kamel’s beloved electronics out the window when I’m mad at him. 0___0
  • I love grannie panties. Love em.

Your turn. Secrets. Let them freeeee!

30 Comments

  1. 1. I hide food in my apartment so my husband won’t wolf it down (and by food I mean candy). I have stashes.
    2. When I shower in the morning, I play out entire conversations in my mind where I’m telling people off, so I feel better when I get to work.
    3. I miss home so much that I actually get teary when I think about it.
    4. I like to play chicken when I’m walking down the street to see who will move first.
    5. Sometimes I feel incredibly stupid, and like I’m faking it until someone eventually figures me out.
    6. I like to start/stop movies that i’ve seen a million times at the right moment so nothing sad happens (case in point: The Notebook. and also the Sex and the City movie)

    • Oh my goodness Maris – are you me? lol. I do #1 and fervently believe #5 sometimes – even going so far as to wonder if everyone else DOES know it, and is simply pretending not to.

      • Ha, maybe! Currently I have sour gummy candy on top of the fridge, waaaay back there, and chocolate in my nightstand table under various hand lotions. Don’t tell Alex. Although… I’ve caught him scarfing fist-fulls of chocolate chips from the cupboard with all of my baking supplies (I can tell he’s doing it when it gets quiet all of a sudden) so I think I have bigger problems.

  2. I love reading your blog and often want to comment but I’m afraid you will not remember me(I’m Sarah’s mom) and think I’m a stalker :/ #secret

  3. Hahahahaah I love this!! One of my secrets is EXACTLY yours – no pants, unless necessary. To leave the house and have company – that’s basically my goal in life.
    Also:
    -I really really really can’t stand it when people brush their teeth in the shower, and I have no logical idea why
    -I used my rice cooker once, forgot to clean it, made rice on the stove for years, then remembered it, and threw it out
    -I drink my kefir out of the container
    -I am planning on watching the Bachelor in Paradise, this season, egad
    -sometimes I fantasize about quitting my job, marrying an old rich guy, and making sauerkraut all day

  4. I love brushing my teeth in the shower! (Sorry, Claire).

    I am still wearing maternity dresses and tops, even though I am six months post-partum. Regular pants, though, at least.

    I have never read any James Joyce, and this seems like an unforgivable gap given the whole Writing major, English minor, Book Publishing professional, literary nerd thing I have going on. I never plan to read any, though, because it sounds exhausting to me.

    I have dreams about my ex (The Big One) whenever my life is going through a huge transition. It makes me uncomfortable, because usually the dreams are really sexy.

    • Oh my god, maybe that’s what’s happening to me! (Your last item.) I am having a huge issue with this right now. Like, sobbing at my desk over lunch huge. And there’s no one I can talk to about it. And I am going through a transition in my life external to him, so maybe that’s what’s happening. But my dreams aren’t sexy, they’re very metaphorical of our relationship. Like, car crashes and cut brake lines and wheels falling off and people overdosing. D:

      • Oh god, that’s awful. I am just a random internet person but you can totally talk to me about it if you want to!

  5. This is the first time a listen to a Mary Lambert son…. I loved it. Thank you for sharing it. Not to many secrets… the truth is that I have the bad habit of doing what I wish without hurting anyone’s feelings…. I think that is the key

    have a wonderful day.
    Marisa

  6. - Woohoo. Member of the no-pants club, here.

    - Like Kelly, there are a few authors I have never read, and I’m ashamed about it. Like, if someone brought it up in conversation, I’d probably pretend I had read something from them before. i.e. “Oh yeah, I read a book/short story by her…can’t remember which one…” I just feel like I have to be the authority on literature in my circles. lol

    -

    • I feel like your secrets got cut off somehow, and it is making me so sad!

  7. Ummm. I have a few secrets that I’m going to spill. I haven’t told anyone except my mother about these secrets. Normally I have tiny ones that I keep to myself, but these are bigger and are kind of eating me up on the inside a little bit. Please be kind to me internet strangers.

    - My husband is an alcoholic, and I think I am too. When we first met we were heavy heavy drinkers. That was over 7 years ago. In the past few years we have mellowed out and only drink once a month or so. But. We both tend to lose control when we drink. We have the best of intentions, but over indulging to the point of blacking out – passing out. It tends to happen more often that not.
    - On Saturday night my husband left our house in the middle of the night while I was sleeping to go to a bar with his friend. I woke up to find him gone. It took 45 minutes before he responded to me. I think he was out until 4:00am. He drank all the alcohol in the house.
    - On Sunday, I told him it was the last time. I told him I would never deal with this situation again. I told him that I will leave him if it happens again. And I mean it with every fiber of my being.
    - I am looking into recovery groups for myself. I don’t like the person I am when I go off the deep end like I tend to do. Addiction runs in my family and I am terrified that one day I will make a bad decision that impacts the rest of my life.
    - I am terrified that my husband will fail and I will have to follow through with the consequence I gave him. I know I can not fix him, and I can only hope that he can fix himself.
    - I feel both free and scarred when it comes to seeking treatment. I want to be the best person I can be, and I want to take the steps I need to reach that goal. But I’m afraid that I just don’t have the willpower to do it.

    I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to bring this entire comments section to some dark place, but this is what’s in my heart right now. It’s not something I’m talking to anyone else about, because it’s all really fresh and kind of painful. I’m going to just keep putting one foot in front of the other though and figure it out as I go along. Because that’s all I can do.

    • You are incredibly brave to write those things down. And it is so important to give them air so that you are not carrying them around in your own deep dark place. You are very self aware which is an amazing thing. You are taking responsibility – which most people even in their daily life activities cannot do. You are going to be ok. No matter what happens. You are going to keep putting that foot in front of the other and you’re going to be ok.

  8. 1. I stress eat. I know I do it. It’s deliciously bad for me, but it helps get through things.

    2. I obsess too much over crap that doesn’t matter, and I really enjoy it. Like, trying to get the local NBC affiliate signal over the air, or making sure my TV is calibrated properly for each input type and each ambient lighting scenario. And sometimes, calibrated per media type! I keep lists and bookmarks and take notes. It takes me days. And I love the results, but no one else in my house cares. hahaha

    3. I sometimes go to the bathroom to read in peace for a few minutes.

    4. I want to run for office. I know I can win and make a difference.

    5. I’ve never seen Schindler’s List, but I pretend like I have when people talk about it.

    6. I occasionally argue with Lauren, even when I know she’s right, simply because I want to win the argument. <- shame on me, I really need to quit this.

    7. I LOVE airplanes, flying, travelling, but HATE airports and the moments leading up to the start of the journey.

    8. I LOVE broccoli, and would eat it raw every day for lunch and dinner if I could. No cheese necessary.

    9. I HATE buying new clothes, but I LOVE using new clothes for the first time! I’m complicated….

    10. I’m super cheap with myself, but totally the opposite when it comes to my family.

    • Sometimes I hide in the bathroom at work when I want a few minutes of peace…

      • it’s the best spot for some quiet time!

      • Yep. I hide in the bathroom at work too. No one can call you when your in the bathroom.

    • Superrrrr old blogreader here :) but I just got the chills when I read #4 for Kamel. I think maybe it stirred something inside me. Exciting! Thanks for that soul-stirring, Kamel!!

  9. Kamel should run for office!

    I think my bunch of secrets are already on here. I hide in the bathroom too; I can’t read James Joyce (have tried multiple time, but am mollified that Virginia Woolf couldn’t read him either); I dream about throwing electronics about the window, etc.

    My other secrets:
    1. I read Pride and Prejudice sequels. A lot of them.
    2. I rush through my work on Mondays so I can go to the movies all by myself
    3. I want to be a doo-wap-de-wally-wally back-up singer but am shit scared of performing on stage.
    4. I know if I have another baby my career wouldn’t survive but sometimes I wouldn’t mind throwing it all in.
    5. My son eats chicken nuggets with alarming regularity.
    6. I’d rather lay on the couch and read than do just about anything else.

    • …have you read Mr. Darcy Takes a Wife? God i love that book.

      • No, but it looks like i must now. ha!

      • And then the sequel of that ‘Darcy and Elizabeth’. I own both of them. Plus about thirty others :/

    • NOW I WANT TO READ THEM TOO…. unless bad things happen or people die and then i don’t want to.

      • No one awesome dies in any of the ones I’ve read. There’s more often babies and Georgiana finding love, Lydia being Lydia and occasionally Mr Wickham gets what’s coming.

  10. Right now my secrets are:

    -fantasizing waaay too much about a certain person

    -i have taken to sleeping with a giant amethyst stone or a giant hunk of rose quartz in my hand

    -i don’t use my a/c in my flat. i live in texas. the thermostat hovers between 80-84 depending on the outside temperature. i only turn it on if i have company over, which isn’t often. i really love my extremely low electric bills because i can spend that money on other things.

    -i realllly enjoy making a pile of snacks, putting them on a tray and eating on my couch while watching a movie or binge-watching a favorite show.

    -i try to carry conversations in my mind in french to keep myself fresh.

    -i’m currently hooked on watching favorite movies with the french dub on.

    -my social life has become much more active, which i am grateful for, but i still have no clue what to do with myself alone in my flat with endless hours stretched before me.

    -having said that, i really love living alone even if i dawdle away all my spare time hanging on my couch, staring at my faery lights, and eating snacks whilst partaking in books and movies.

    -i like to smoke cloves when i go out with my upstairs neighbor friend. it takes me back to freer days in my youth.

  11. - I’m terrified that I will only ever be in dysfunctional relationships forever. I can’t decide which is worse, being in dysfunctional relationships or being glamorously single and alone. The ironic thing about all this is that I’m in a really good relationship right now, but I don’t understand it at all, because I find dysfunction comforting and familiar after all this time. I don’t know how to be calm and happy and ok with being loved.

    - I really want to run away and live in California by the ocean and just make friendship bracelets in the sunshine and sell them to tourists and drink beer and read all day. I feel like it would never ever get old. (It would probably get old after about two weeks. But it’s my fantasy world, so whatever.)

    - I got an iPhone in large part because I was sick of not being able to see anyone else’s emojis.

    - I feel naked without painted toenails. I think I have naked toenails for maybe two weeks of the entire year, max. They are always super bright colours – hot pink, fluro orange, etc.

    - I’m a total control freak and I don’t know how to quit it. Possibly I can’t.

    • Eliza – I totally feel you on the relationship aspect. Sometimes I feel like running away because I’m not used to having someone that will fight for me. I’m used to being the one that does all the chasing. The one that gives everything and is satisfied with the crumbs I get back. It’s really really hard to change the way you think about all of it. Basically – all I’ve ever wanted is someone to love me as much as I love them. Now that I have it, sometimes it’s so boring. Ugh. My brain is my worst enemy sometimes.

    • Another secret – I’ve never painted my toenails :)

  12. I <3 Secrets! (I'm really bad at keeping them)

    1. I like to listen to really cheesy songs to pump me up e.g. I work in the public sector and sometimes listen to Man in the Mirror on the way in to work, because I'm going to make a change, It's going to feel soooo good! haha

    2. I really like to throw things when I'm super angry and it scares me. Most recently I threw my keys after a particularly heated argument and cracked my windshield. :(

    3. I've quit almost every job I've ever had in an incredibly rash fashion (like same day quitting or not showing up ever again).

    4. I love being an only child. I usually have to make up excuses about why it was not fun but it was really awesome. All the attention all the time! That being said I rarely hang out with my parents now that I'm married. Now I have the husband all of the time. Which does make me worried about having kids.

    5. I often read at work on my iPad and pretend that I'm actually reading some work document. I've also slept in unoccupied offices and the bathroom stall when I'm really tired.

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Who the hell is she?


Lauren

I am a writer living in Seattle and I believe that life is a grand adventure and only boring if you believe it to be. Plus! You don't need money to have fun.

I live with my husband, a photographer by education and a maker-of-video-games by trade, and a baby named gabe in an apartment on the hill.

I am romantic about most things and I cry... about almost anything. I tell stories to entertain you, I spread stories to keep you in the loop. I am not a grammar freak, but I do know how to spell it. I am exceedingly proud of my scrambled eggs and I really could eat an entire pan of cupcakes. If I met me, I would be my best friend. I tend to be irreverent.

If you would like to chat with me or see what else I'm up to you can follow me on Twitter (betterinrealife), on facebook, or email me at betterinrealife at gmail.


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