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This Is My UGH Face

Back from a weekend of vacationing is always hard, but I felt like yesterday was even harder than hard. It meant me, still at home with the kid, still “working” 12 hour days of boredom and loneliness. Some days I feel excellent at being a mom. Some days I feel the warm and fuzzies about getting to spend so much time with Gabe. But then sometimes the amount I do not want to do this anymore, the amount that Gabe cannot play with his fucking toys and stop pulling on my hair, climbing me like a jungle gym, or trying to rip out my earrings, the amount that I just want to be alone for 5 minutes overwhelms me.

Yesterday was a big day of ugh. Of naps that were too short, of eating an avocado for lunch, of getting lost on the way to Gabe’s doctor’s appointing, not being able to find parking, forgetting the diaper bag, juggling 6 pieces of paper, two phones, my wallet, car keys, and the baby without a purse or stroller. It was mostly feeling like a loser and a noob, reminding myself that as long as the baby lives, I can check off this day as a success… but really, that’s never been good enough for my high achieving self. So I can’t help feeling like a big big loser. I mean, I should be teaching him spanish and we should be exploring cultural centers and going on 7 walks and … whatever.

The loser that didn’t hear back from the exciting job interview, that feels unattractive and lazy, that shouldn’t even complain about being tired or working so hard because I hang out on the floor of my living room 80% of the day.

And did you know? That next week Gabe starts daycare again. It will be amazing amazingness for him, he is craving other kids and tries to cuddle any baby he sees. He is bored of our toys and of me and of our walks and and and… he needs to go somewhere else so he can come home and be all “Wee!” And then I’ll just be someone who is at home trying to get a job without the added “but I’m ALSO taking care of the baby.” Next week I won’t even be doing that.

Sometimes the day to day is dumb. Sometimes coming home and being reminded of your normal life, and not your jetsetting, best friend hanging, movie watching, bad-for-me-food eating pretend existence stings more than it should. It is especially noticeable when Kamel is trying to set up some sort of 1-2 night weekend get away for just us and my response to every single suggestion is,

“Why does it even MATTER? We’ll still have to come home and be parents!”

or

“That isn’t even worth it! What are we going to do, just be in bed all day watching TV? WHO CARES?!”

Ugh, Lauren! Where is your making-the-best-of-it face? It’s probably on some really lovely vacation with plush robes and warm weather, and a perfect bikini body! That’s where! I’ll be here, waiting for it to return, sitting on my living room floor.

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12 Comments

  1. Finding a job is the worst full time job there is and I am 100% always available for supportive/ranting/frustrated gchats on this topic. I’ve had my share of stupid, mind-numbing jobs and nothing is ever worse than looking for one. It IS hard work, and I won’t really entertain any idea to the contrary. Plus a baby? It’s tough! Some complaining is warranted!

  2. This is my everyday job (plus working from home when the little one naps and in the evenings– no me time). It’s really nice to hear someone acknowledge what a hard and draining job it is.

  3. I spend an ungodly amount of time on my hardwood floors. This is the only time in my life when I despise hardwood…I want carpet!!! Good luck with the job hunt, keep you head up :-) at least you were able to find a good daycare for Gabe to go to, that’s no small feat!

    • Oh man, it was so stressful. Many of my tears were shed trying to find somewhere that I didn’t hate!

  4. Oh yes. Add to this the fact I cant put LJ into more than one-day-a-week care, because I’m NOT job hunting (going back to university mid-year), and his nap times mean all the fun baby-centred activities just dont work, so its just me and him for most of 9 hours a day, 5 days a week for the forseeable future, and I have become a lump of “this is all just too hard” too.
    I am totally sure he is bored as hell with me and our living room floor too.

  5. Oh yeah, this is me right now. And my husband had to work all last weekend and it was birthday and the baby got two teeth last week and now has a vomiting bug. Looking after a baby full-time is HARD. You’re doing a great job.

  6. Ugh indeed. The ennui of the job hunt is the worst… I can’t imagine adding on to that caring for another human being all day e’ry day.

    The perfect bikini body… that comment made me think of this (ummm which I should maybe clarify is mildly NSFW? If folks care about that?):
    http://thefatgrackle.tumblr.com/post/56577945458

    It always makes me smile.

  7. Ugh indeed. Sorry it is so sucky right now :( Excited for you that next week will hopefully be a different story with Gabe in childcare.

  8. Ugh. Virtual fist bump. Good luck, you can do it!

  9. I can’t recommend “What Mothers’ Do” by Naomi Stadlen enough for those feelings of frustration; its aimed a bit more at mothers of smaller babies, but it is based on 15 years of conversations with highly educated mothers about the occasional loneliness, frustrations and relentlessness of being at home with young children.

    What my mother always says is “This too shall pass”. Good luck and thank heavens for excellent day care starting next week.

  10. Ughh..
    But also, I like your rug.
    I hope next week is filled with moments of Zen and awesomeness..

    • We got the rug on amazon! It sheds a lot a lot, but is slowing down in the annoying blue fuzzy department, so it is I am liking it more and more now. haha.

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Who the hell is she?


Lauren

I am a writer living in Seattle and I believe that life is a grand adventure and only boring if you believe it to be. Plus! You don't need money to have fun.

I live with my husband, a photographer by education and a maker-of-video-games by trade, and a baby named gabe in an apartment on the hill.

I am romantic about most things and I cry... about almost anything. I tell stories to entertain you, I spread stories to keep you in the loop. I am not a grammar freak, but I do know how to spell it. I am exceedingly proud of my scrambled eggs and I really could eat an entire pan of cupcakes. If I met me, I would be my best friend. I tend to be irreverent.

If you would like to chat with me or see what else I'm up to you can follow me on Twitter (betterinrealife), on facebook, or email me at betterinrealife at gmail.


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