I spent a lot of last week being angry. There isn’t a silver lining to this post, there isn’t an ending where I focus on the strength in relationships or overcoming adversity. I was just mad.
I hated the wind. I still hate the wind. Wind sucks. It is my least favorite weather thing. And I feel like the wind has been blowing for 3 weeks straight. Every time I walk from work to the train I am battling wind. Every morning my hair is all messed up by the time I get home. It blows junk in my eyes and dust and city-grime all over my skin. I was angry at it all week.
I hate pumping. It is the WORST. I hate it!! It is constantly stressful. Will I make enough food for my child? WILL I, BODY?! And I have no control over it. Sometimes I think I have control over it, but then… nope. I drink gallons of milk-inducing tea. I pump as much as I can, even after nursing (when it makes sense), I am up pumping in the middle of the night, while my child is sleeping, so that I can have enough milk for him for the following day. This shit is ridiculous. And yes, I know, I could switch to formula or supplement formula, but please don’t tell me that. I started this whole breast milk thing and I want to finish it. I feel like those first weeks of total pain and tears and agony are worth nothing if I throw in the towel before 6 months. And maybe, just maybe, there is a little truth that this is an arbitrary month deadline that I have created in order to stamp “success” on my boob and call it a day, but that really doesn’t matter in the end, does it? Because in the end, it’s just me and my kid, and my poor, sad, worn out, used up mammaries, and my pump. My stupid stupid pump.
And cool-kid-clubs. I hate them. I am mad at them, too. The exclusion, the superiority. I feel like cool-kid-clubs are everywhere, ready to jump out at me from all different angles. And you could make an argument that I hate them because I am never in them, but that is not the point. I don’t want to be part of one, I don’t understand why there needs to be an us vs everyone else mindset at all. Professionally it is the worst, it reminds me of high school and that drives me up the wall. High school never ends. I am mad that high school is a never ending social structure where the cool kids become bosses and the whiny suck-ups are still making life ridiculous. That puts me in the middle section of people just trying to do their thing but being frustratingly prevented by i the maturity of others and those who need to constantly run the show. Oh my god, I can’t even fully explain how mad this whole thing makes me.
Being angry sucks. Last week it kept me awake some nights. I kept thinking about the conversations I should have had the day before. The come backs, the excellent points I should have made. That would have shut them up, that would have made my position clear, that would have done it. But it didn’t, because it didn’t happen. Enter ragies stage left.
What else was I pissed off about last week? Giants fans. Ugh. Fucking drunk annoying mid-day Giants fans on my train home, on a Wednesday where all I want to do was sit quietly in my get-off-my-lawn grumpiness and read my book. Go away jolly people! Go away loud talkers! Go away.
Like I said, there is no happy ending. There is no, “Well at least this week will have to be better!” There isn’t. There are still cool kids who think they are in some all-important stupid club of exclusivity and bullshit. There are still the snitches and the obnoxious tattle tales. The wind is probably blowing RIGHT THIS SECOND. And every day at 9:00, 12:30, and 3:30 you know where to find me… desperately squeezing every last drop out of my boobs. Great.