Mad. With a Capital M.

I spent a lot of last week being angry. There isn’t a silver lining to this post, there isn’t an ending where I focus on the strength in relationships or overcoming adversity. I was just mad.

I hated the wind. I still hate the wind. Wind sucks. It is my least favorite weather thing. And I feel like the wind has been blowing for 3 weeks straight. Every time I walk from work to the train I am battling wind. Every morning my hair is all messed up by the time I get home. It blows junk in my eyes and dust and city-grime all over my skin. I was angry at it all week.

I hate pumping. It is the WORST. I hate it!! It is constantly stressful. Will I make enough food for my child? WILL I, BODY?! And I have no control over it. Sometimes I think I have control over it, but then… nope. I drink gallons of milk-inducing tea. I pump as much as I can, even after nursing (when it makes sense), I am up pumping in the middle of the night, while my child is sleeping, so that I can have enough milk for him for the following day. This shit is ridiculous. And yes, I know, I could switch to formula or supplement formula, but please don’t tell me that. I started this whole breast milk thing and I want to finish it. I feel like those first weeks of total pain and tears and agony are worth nothing if I throw in the towel before 6 months. And maybe, just maybe, there is a little truth that this is an arbitrary month deadline that I have created in order to stamp “success” on my boob and call it a day, but that really doesn’t matter in the end, does it? Because in the end, it’s just me and my kid, and my poor, sad, worn out, used up mammaries, and my pump. My stupid stupid pump.

And cool-kid-clubs. I hate them. I am mad at them, too. The exclusion, the superiority. I feel like cool-kid-clubs are everywhere, ready to jump out at me from all different angles. And you could make an argument that I hate them because I am never in them, but that is not the point. I don’t want to be part of one, I don’t understand why there needs to be an us vs everyone else mindset at all. Professionally it is the worst, it reminds me of high school and that drives me up the wall. High school never ends. I am mad that high school is a never ending social structure where the cool kids become bosses and the whiny suck-ups are still making life ridiculous. That puts me in the middle section of people just trying to do their thing but being frustratingly prevented by i the maturity of others and those who need to constantly run the show. Oh my god, I can’t even fully explain how mad this whole thing makes me.

Being angry sucks. Last week it kept me awake some nights. I kept thinking about the conversations I should have had the day before. The come backs, the excellent points I should have made. That would have shut them up, that would have made my position clear, that would have done it. But it didn’t, because it didn’t happen. Enter ragies stage left.

What else was I pissed off about last week? Giants fans. Ugh. Fucking drunk annoying mid-day Giants fans on my train home, on a Wednesday where all I want to do was sit quietly in my get-off-my-lawn grumpiness and read my book. Go away jolly people! Go away loud talkers! Go away.

Like I said, there is no happy ending. There is no, “Well at least this week will have to be better!” There isn’t. There are still cool kids who think they are in some all-important stupid club of exclusivity and bullshit. There are still the snitches and the obnoxious tattle tales. The wind is probably blowing RIGHT THIS SECOND. And every day at 9:00, 12:30, and 3:30 you know where to find me… desperately squeezing every last drop out of my boobs. Great.

32 thoughts on “Mad. With a Capital M.”

  1. “The wind is probably blowing RIGHT THIS SECOND.”

    Hahaha. This cracked me up. The wind is DEFINITELY BLOWING RIGHT THIS SECOND. Infuriating!

    But I won’t tell you to cheer up or look at the bright side. Screw that. Sometimes being pissed off is simply the most logical way to feel. Nothing makes me more rage-y than militant positive thinking or people responding to every negative emotion with “But don’t forget to be grateful for what you have!”

    Look, beautiful sunny afternoons aren’t going to cloud over just because I fail to be grateful for them every single second, ok? Cookies will still be delicious and kittens will still be cute and anger is totally rational when things are hard. So, not that you need my permission, but I fully support you being mad without any kind of neat resolution.

    It SUCKS that high school never ends.

  2. I am right there with you hating the wind… it is the worst.
    Hugs and hugs.
    The high school stuff is quite scary and awful.
    Just be angry and let it go.
    I hope the pumping gets better.
    And you totally deserve some Abuelita hot chocolate.

  3. Man, I totally hear you on the cool-kids-at-work club. It totally exists and is totally high school and is totally stupid. Every time I feel myself getting jealous of those clubs (rationally? Irrationally?), I tell myself, “Really? Are you really getting upset over this? That is the dumbest thing ever.” And telling myself that helps…a little? For a short while? But it never “fixes” it.

  4. hey now, i think you and i are in a cool kids club all of our own 🙂 but rage on my friend, rage on. and then call me so we can complain to each other about life and then feel a little better b/c there is occasionally nothing more satisfying than a good bitch-fest.

  5. In solidarity, here are the things that are fucking pissing me off right now:

    Pregnancy. For real. I hate it. Loathe it. Despise it. I am apparently one of the lucky ones who experience partum depression, and I have a referral for a therapist, and that’s great, but I just. want. to. feel. normal. All I do is cry and puke and cry. I am totally detached from the baby–the baby I wanted desperately! The one I waited and waited and planned for! The one I will totally love, fiercely and completely, once he or she arrives, but holy fuck if I don’t spend ever waking minute of my life wishing that I was not pregnant and then hating myself for it.

    I’m mad that there’s no SCOTUS decision on DOMA and Prop 8 today.

    I hate answering calls with restricted phone numbers, and often refuse to do it.

    1. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!

      If it makes you feel ANY better – I, too, had no connection to the creature growing inside me. And when I thought about miscarrying the only thing that made me sad was the possibility that the handful of weeks I had already weathered would have been for NOTHING. And I’ve told you this before, but I really did keep repeating to myself “this is not forever, this is not forever, this is not forever.” It does end!!! And when it does it is so much better! (Most likely)

  6. Rage on. It’s a healthy part of living life. If I never raged about stuff I would explode from all my raginess building up inside of me. The source of all my anger hasn’t changed in months which is just adding to the problem too.

    In 1 week I will have been at my current job for 1 year. This is not a happy milestone because I have never once enjoyed my job (something I’ve mentioned more than once). In the beginning I told myself “you’re just adjusting.” Then it was, “you’re only here part time, it’s only temporary” “it’s just a place-holder job until you find something permanent.” Now this job has become my permanent full time job.

    And it’s not like I’m not trying. I’ve applied to and interviewed for so many jobs. Last week in fact I had a job interview with Meijer. At the end, this is what one of the interviewees said to me: “”You are a really strong interviewer. In fact I’m really impressed with how strong of an interview you’ve done today. I’m telling you this because the other candidate has previous experience with Meijer so I hope this is a small consolation in case we don’t select you” No joke. Guess what? 4 hours later the recruiting company called me to tell me Meijer went with the other girl. Big surprise there.

    So no matter how solid my interview is. No matter how well I sell myself. I cannot seal the damn deal. And I have no choice but to keep putting myself out there. I’m so effing sick of it all. I’m sick and tired of driving home and suddenly breaking down in tears. I’m pissed about of the anxiety issues I’ve developed from this job. I’m sick of my stupid boss. Sick of rejection. And pissed that I have no other options.

    1. I totally understand what you’re saying. I became depressed due to prolonged anxiety when I was at a super shitty and stressful job. It is the worst. It really fucking sucks. And everything you’ve had to do to apply and apply and apply and then have nothing happen for all that work – that is bullshit.

  7. Ugh, pumping. Written as I sit at the computer at 4:30am, having just pumped. Admittedly, its because of other issues rather than needing it for food, but I still dislike it with a vengeance.

    At the moment, I am most often mad at myself, for agreeing to do this whole have-a-kid thing. I’ve not really enjoyed most of it so far… I have to keep holding on to hope that it will get better.

    1. The kindest thing ever: When moms who have older infants/toddlers see me with a melting down child and say, with earnest, “It totally gets better from here.” I cling to that for dear life.

      1. I say to my husband (and various trusted friends all the time) how glad I am that my son is no longer an infant. He’s now mobile, can play with us, is able to articulate needs, kind of sleeps, and I don’t have to pump. Man did I hate pumping. So yes, it gets so so much better.

      2. It totally, totally gets better when they get a bit older. I swear it gets better. Maybe around 6 months (5 months? 7 months?), I started to feel like our little screaming boy had actually become a wonderful, amazing dream of a baby. It gets better and you’ll get more confident, and you’ll love it more than you ever thought you could.

        But pumping totally sucks. Pumping under pressure (time-pressure, production-pressure) sucks the worst. Also around 6-7 months, I felt like I finally reached a groove where I felt like I didn’t want to give up, but it still sucks.

      3. Ha! My infant was starting to get fussy at the grocery store the other week (toddler was fine), and this random lady was all, “It gets better!” Which only made me think I must’ve looked more harried than I felt. Sometimes I need an It Gets Better; this just wasn’t one of those times.

        And, uh, yes! re: pumping! I had no idea it would make me feel like a cow, because who has ever announced *that* to pregnant ladies?!? No one would dare. I never could prioritize pumping above sleeping, or consoling a now-crying baby (I only have the kind of babies who want to be held constantly), so it didn’t work out long for us, despite my stubbornness. And all that is without the awkwardness (I would assume) of pumping in a workplace. In any case, good luck with it!

  8. Yes!!! Anger and Rage are super super super helpful feelings sometimes. They must exist. In my opinion. The bitch-fest that Maris mentioned is one of my favorite things because it validates that rage – without doing the whole “I shouldn’t be angry but…. ” dance in my head. No dancing, especially, because that is mentally exhausting on top of already being angry. I support you fully in this! Rage-on!

    ps: your anger towards the wind made me laugh, not because its silly, because I had the SAME type of ragey thought storm in my head while getting to the shuttle this morning – in the crazy summer sweaty windy rain in every direction even in my EARS that Seattle is so good at. WTF.

  9. also see: “F&*##$@ you” song by Lily Allen – it always makes me laugh a lot when I imagine singing that sweetly mean song to anyone I’m pissed at! Give it a solid listen 🙂

  10. Are you finding that you can’t pump enough during the day for the following day? I ask because I am really worried about it for when I go back to work. Everyone keeps telling me it’ll work out but I still worry and stress over it! And I feel you on supplementing. I feel like I didn’t get over that giant hurdle of latching and feeding to supplement! My mammories (and yours) can do this!!

    1. That’s exactly it. 1 day my body may make 13 oz, another day it may only make 9. It is absolutely unpredictable and totally normal for pumping moms to have fluctuating production. Except my kid eats 12-14 oz at 3.5 months regularly, so my freezer stash has dwindled down to almost nothing, and it is really difficult to build it back up when I’m bfing him all weekend and in the evenings, pumping at work, when do I have time to pump frivolously? It is a struggle.

  11. Bah, yeah… I hate that illusion of control and the “success vs. failure” aspect of breastfeeding and pumping. Sometimes bodies just do whatever the hell they want to do. (e.g., Despite my efforts, my right side has given up the ghost over the last few weeks, much to my dismay. We’re soldiering on for now, lopsided + some supplementing, but it’s still annoying.) It sucks that we’re made to feel so responsible for it and serious about it.

    Also, re: cool kids, this is really weird, but. I recently read some neat books about chimps and their social structures, and they do all those goofy high-school hierarchies and alliances and butt-kissing, just like us. So sometimes when I get grumpy, I imagine everyone as chimps, beating their chests and eating bugs out of each other’s fur to gain favor. Granted, it doesn’t change anything, but it can make me smile for a few minutes.

    1. So in the last week my kid has become picky and decided he really doesn’t want to nurse on my right side. WHAT THE FUCK! Sometimes I can trick him and start him on the left and switch him to the right after only a minute, but other times he just protests until I give him the left again. This is very inconvenient!

      I was thinking about your lopsided-ness all day yesterday! And the cool kids as butt-kissing monkeys… obviously.

  12. I totally get this post. I have spent too much of my life being angry. And at stupid stuff. Although, i would say “cool kids” clubs are worth being angry about. I actually have some anxiety about that phenomenon showing up in Mommy circles. I am so done with that. Also, the pumping sounds infuriating. The more i learn about BFing, the more overwhelmed I am. And, like you, I’m going to power through, but DAMN it sounds hard. Especially not looking forward to going back to work and pumping.

  13. I can’t remember if I commented about this yet but I totally agree with the hating pumping. It’s so time consuming with the set up and the take down and all the parts and the plugging in and then being tethered and GAH. I purchased a small (Avent brand) hand pump and it changed my life. It’s so convenient and discreet. I still hate pumping but less with the passion of a fiery death. Hang in there! My little one is almost eight months old and she’s sitting up and laughing and signing “more” when she wants something and trying to crawl and doing things on purpose to make me laugh and it’s just awesome. Bad days/moments still exist, obviously, but I feel like I’m better at recognizing them.

    1. The time consuming part. YES. It totally interrupts my work flow, and for that I resent it. Kamel made a joke the other day, that even after I wean Gabe I should just tell my work that I’m still pumping and then use those pumping breaks to work on my own projects. Kind of genius. We laughed that I would bring in skim milk and still do the charade of transferring to my storage bags just to keep up appearances. haha.

  14. Pumping does suck! I never pumped enough to feed my babe during the day. I was doomed from the start. I had supply issues early on, so even though I was exclusively nursing when I went back to work, there had been several weeks in the middle where I supplemented with formula so I’d already gotten over that emotional hurdle. When I got through the freezer stash, she had formula + whatever I had pumped, and I just pumped to keep up my supply for when I was with her. Didn’t seem to be a corollary between how much I pumped and how much she was able to get from the tap, but it sure was annoying. I am still nursing at 14 months, but I finally stopped pumping (YAY!!!) since I’m not concerned about maintaining supply anymore. And yeah, newborns are way hard, but the kiddo and the parenting (and nursing, for me) gets better and better.

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