Before Gabe popped out I angsted over how I would change personally and, yes, how this space would change. I didn’t want this to be baby times USA woo hoo woo hoo pro-creating like whaaat!
I am here to report that having a baby has changed me, the deep down bits of me, the me of me, in small ways – NOT big ways. I am sleepier, I am busier (And have less time for bullshit. It is actually a major blessing.), and now that I am not pregnant I feel as though I have razor sharp focus. My time is precious and when I want to get something done it HAPPENS. I multi-task and I juggle and that is how I will succeed, if I succeed at all. I am super woman with no time to waste, yo. Bring on the world! Just let me get a little bit more sleep, please.
Anyway, that is not so much different than before. I have always been good at juggling the hats. I have always been a big producer of things. Working a lot, going to school, taking on too many to-dos on my t0-do list and getting them all done. I was one of those “achiever” stereotype truths. It is clear why I have an anxiety disorder, why I have struggled with various bouts (years) of insomnia, etc etc. But that’s me, and I am still here – baby and all.
But I am still self-conscious, painfully self-conscious, of being seen as just one thing. Yesterday I was writing down blog ideas and scheduling this week and next week on post-it notes I had pilfered from work while trying desperately to fill enough posts that had nothing to do with babies or moms or baby-mama shenanigans. It was stressing me out. Really really stressing me out. I don’t want to only talk about post-partum life, babies, and being a mom. But holy jeebus! This is a lifestyle blog and right now this is my life. So after scrambling to come up with more to say I finally gave up.
This is my life. I can’t undo it. I don’t want to undo it. I love this life. I am not ashamed of this life, I am ridiculously proud of what we have going on here – grumpy baby, scrambling me, and a pile of things to write on my to-do lists all having to do with the things I see and feel and think. And a lot of those things have to do with this new role.
So what does that mean? I guess nothing, except that I am calling it like I sees it. I’m writing about baby stuff more than I wanted to before Gabe was a person who lived outside of me. I will be starting to write more about books, about cooking, about fashion, and many random other things more and more (like I used to). But the kid and the family and me as mom is always here. It is, by far, the biggest thing that is smacking me in the face on a daily basis, and the way I work things out is by writing about them here.
Evolving is strange. It happens even if you don’t want it to, it happens while you are looking the other way. When I was single I talked about writing and loneliness and terrible dates. When I was engaged I talked about jobs and wedding products and trying to navigate another person who was quickly becoming a part of who I was (am). After I got married that shifted things yet again. And here we are with a third person in the mix. I’m still working out the kinks. Thank you for working them out with me – it’s a process and I’m just 3 months in.
I am Lauren and I am a mom and I have a blog. I identify as a writer and a lot of other things; an eater of vegetables, a player of video games, a reader of many many books, a watcher of Game of Thrones. I like to sleep like a starfish, but sleeping with someone else makes that impossible. My child is my favorite and my three best friends are my sisters and family forever and ever. I am from Seattle and I feel like Odysseus having a very difficult time getting back. The list goes on and on. My goal is that that is always reflected here.