Some Days …

Some days you wake up and the world is bathed in yellow sunshine and lollipops. Even the bad things turn out to be simply endearing or funny or both. Some days everything is laughed off, their are beautiful quiet moments where you sigh and go, “I will remember this moment in 10 years and I will remember that it felt like THIS,” and it will all be very very lovely.

And then there are days like yesterday. Where I woke up from a terrible terrible bad dream where I cried in my sleep and then because of a string of assholer-y the crying didn’t stop. It was Mother’s Day…. yes, but that didn’t mean anything at my house. It meant fighting and slammed doors, lugging laundry to and fro before 8:00am, errands and meetings where I wanted to wear my sunglasses the whole time to hide my puffy eyes. It meant canceled plans with one of my favorite people, it meant being too busy with all of the bad to not even have the chance for a meal until 3:30pm. The bad things on this day were very bad. They were not funny or endearing, they were exhausting and awful.

And it was worse because it was Mother’s Day. My first one. And this was what it was. It kept echoing in my brain, “your first your first your first your first” and this was it, that was it, there it went, poof. In tears and snot and yelling and hiding in the bathroom. In jiggling and snuggling baby, pacing with baby, crying with baby.

And I knew people would ask about it on Monday and I would say, “It was great! How was yours?” But really I would think, “It was terrible, I’m glad it’s over,” because life happens and we are not perfect and some times even the special days land on one of the bad days. The days where it is not sunshine and lollipops and rainbows and secret smiles. Some days just aren’t good days. Some days aren’t good days at all, not even a little bit.

9 thoughts on “Some Days …”

  1. Thank you for being real, Lauren. Yesterday was my first real mother’s day, too, and it’s kind of like if I had a bad birthday, which is bad enough, but a bunch of shiny happy people also had an awesome birthday on the same day, and that firstfirstfirst echo kept the sting fresh. If it’s any consolation, you are not alone.

    But, there is no shame in having a bad day. You are awesome, your family is awesome, you are an awesome mom, and you are trying your best. Infancy is a stressful time, and motherhood is intense and raw (I think forever, but definitely at the beginning). I hope today is better for you, and I hope you can fit in some self-care soon.

  2. Oh I am so so sorry you had such an awful, exhausting day, where the bad just seems not to stop. I hope things are better today. Sometimes a good nights’ sleep does make things go away (not that I want to minimize what happened, some days are bad, and all you need is a good cry, and rant, and then cry some more). Know that we care for you (I think there are a lot of us out here). Sending you lollipops and rainbows and sunshine.

  3. (I tried to leave a comment earlier and it got eaten… just in case it pops up later.)

    First of all, that SUCKS. I’m sorry it was a terrible day.
    Second of all, Mother’s Day is a made-up holiday and the good news is that you can have a do-over if you want. Who says you have to really celebrate the day on the day your calendar says? If that seems too exhausting (it does to me, a little!), the OTHER good news is that for the rest of your life and on all the mother’s days to come you can look back and say that you got the worst, ugly one out of the way at the beginning.

    If you need some chatting or funny videos I will search the internet for, gchat me up, today. 😉

  4. Oh man, that sucks. It does always seem especially awful when the bad days fall on what is supposed to be a special, good day.But in the end, it’s just day. It sucked, it’s over, today is, I hope, better. Today I hope you get a few smiles and little sunshine.

  5. Man, sorry the day sucked. I remember on Saturday catching myself thinking “Maybe I could have a day of sleeping in, relaxing, not having to feed the baby so much!” and realizing that’s silly, it’s not like he’ll suddenly sleep more or poop/cry less because he knows it’s Mother’s Day.

    Hope there are many more happy days in the near future to make up for all that!

  6. I agree with Margosita – call a do-over on another Sunday when the rainbows and lollipops are predominant. I had a sucky first Mothers Day last year because Lovely Husband, who is not at all sentimental, thought because it didn’t mean anything to him, it probably didn’t mean anything to me. At the end of the day, without even an acknowledgement and me with a big sullen face, he said ‘I made a mistake not making a big deal out of this, didn’t I?’.

    This year was better with a funny card and a funny present and a nice present, just little things but it meant a lot. I also decided after last year that I would make Mothers Day happen for myself if he wouldn’t, so I registered for the Mothers Day Classic fun run and raised money for breast cancer, for all the kids who didn’t have their mums that day, and I ran.

  7. That just sucks. I’m sorry to hear your first mother’s day wasn’t a good one. I think it’s extra hard having a pooey day when there’s emotional weight involved in the occasion.

  8. I’m going with the do-over Mothers Day, and mine wasn’t even anywhere near as bad as yours.
    LJ was as difficult as always, unwilling to sleep for most of it, screaming in pain from wind when he wasn’t feeding or spilling. He slept only long enough for us to go shopping – for stuff mainly for him and Mark. I got 3 new pairs of underwear to replace the ones I ruined in hospital.
    I wanted to get just one nice photo of the two of us, but he was too upset and I was too frazzled. I collapsed in tears at the end of the day when I realised that the last photo I have of him and me is two weeks ago and is U.G.L.Y.
    So, yeah. We aren’t having fun here yet. And because of that photo realisation, I’ve also realised there are all these moments that I’m missing from. There are dozens of photos of Mark holding LJ, and only a handful of me. Sigh.
    (Sorry if this comment turns up twice, my internet died as I pushed “post” the first time!)

  9. Oh yes. That day happened to me too. But today, I’d say we had some sunshine. And I am forever grateful to have that ease and silliness and venting and problem solving. 🙂

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