The Bad Stuff And Then The Good Stuff

This weekend was probably one of the worst weekends I have had in …. I can’t even remember. It was a terrible weekend. I was ridiculously uncomfortable, I felt like Kamel was making my life harder instead of being the partner I really needed him to be. I also know that he was frustrated, the weekend wasn’t at all going his way either. And sometimes when we rely on the other one to fix it it ends up making it a bajillion times worse.

Sometimes I resent that Kamel gets to keep all of his bits just the way they are, he gets to keep on his own career track, keep his stamina and then in the end he gets to also be a dad. And I’m here, making these giant physical leap sacrifices, slowing down my life, coming to terms with everything I know about my body being turned upside down in order to be a mom. I know that what I am doing is powerful and awesome. I know that Kamel wishes all of the time he could experience some of the pregnancy – partly so that I could have a minute of relief and partly because he wants to know what it feels like when the baby moves, when the baby kicks. He wants all of that stuff. But, it’s still unfair. His path seems so much easier than mine.

Sunday night I had a brain full of bad dreams. Bad dreams about spiders – bright blue ones – bad dreams about getting ready for work and being late – stress dreams – and dreams about trying to buy normal-people pants and not having them fit over the tops of my thighs. Body image is a huge huge part of the pregnancy world, and it’s really difficult. You go into it knowing that you’re going to get the big belly, and you’re going to gain weight and things are going to shift and change. This is not a shocker. So I sort of just went with it, like I went with most everything about being pregnant. I rolled with it so much that I still catch myself in the mirror and marvel at the fact that I am actually pregnant…. like for reals. My high school self is totally freaking out right now. But now that I am truly almost done with this, I worry about the afterwards. And I know that it can take a year to get your body back, and it took 9 months to pack on the lbs and go through all of the changes so I should give myself that time in return. BUT! But but but but but! All of that is so much easier said than done. I have my vanities. We all do. I don’t want to go back to work after my time off and feel like I still look semi-pregnant. I think it is the unknown that is scariest. What will my body do? How quickly will I actually recover? What is going to happen to me? I can only control what I can control, so I’m just going to take one thing at a time.

My weekend was stupid. It was so dumb. I hated it. And I cried a lot on Sunday. I haven’t had a really good fit-throwing meltdown in a really long time, so maybe I was due. I was doing so well – I was sore, walking was difficult, showing up at work every day was getting harder – but I was doing it, and it really didn’t seem so bad. But then the end of last week and this weekend it all just got so much harder. Maybe it is the constant discomfort, the pain when I walk, the gobs of energy it takes me just to walk to the car and heave myself into the passenger seat. Maybe it was the complete lack of communication with my husband that seemed even more draining on top of how much concentration and commitment it takes me to even pick up something off the floor. Or maybe it was just that I really wanted a costco hot dog and they were closed. It was probably a lot of things, all the things. And this weekend just sucked.

But then you know what happened? Monday was pretty good. I woke up with my buddy in the morning, and we both knew that the weekend had been horrible, but… it was over. I wore a new black maxi dress I had bought at Target…. I forgot to wear leggings underneath it and rubbed my poor chubby thighs raw on the way to the train station after work. But then Kamel gave me a bath before bed and the rawness felt better. Everyone – and I mean everyone – stares at me when I walk down the street. Especially little kids. They rubber neck all of the time. I’m sure that the majority of people on the street where I work are concerned I’m going to spontaneously break my water right there in front of them. But I just look away… maybe it’s to let them gawk in peace, maybe it’s just so I don’t have to be so aware of all the eyes, but it’s easier to just focus on the forward.

Sometimes weekends suck. Sometimes things are harder than you thought they would be. But then it gets better. Sometimes it takes a lot of snotty tear-filled kleenexes. Or tater tots at 9pm. Or a warm bath. Sometimes it turns out not so bad.

14 thoughts on “The Bad Stuff And Then The Good Stuff”

  1. Oh I so feel you. I had a good cry, a complete meltdown really, at the doctor’s office this morning and yesterday was hard. I felt my body changing (I just had a higher dose of follicle stimulating hormone and I swear to you I *felt* my ovaries) and even though it was not painful it made me grumpy and tired and when I am grumpy and tired Mark and I don’t communicate the best. So I went to bed early. It is slowly starting to feel better. Like you say, there is always the next morning.
    Lauren I think of you often and I really hope you will feel better. And I know you know all of this, and I am not sure if you want to hear it, but you will get your body back (and lovely baby Gabe), the discomfort will be over, you will still have a career. Really, truly. These things will happen for you. Being in the middle of things is difficult and it is easy to lose perspective, but all of your worries, even if they feel awful today, will be fine. They really will. You will find a way.

  2. Aw, I’m really sorry you had such a rough weekend. I can relate in my own way to how frustrating it can be to have the woman’s body with all the responsibilities and hormones that come along with it in a relationship and I can only imagine how magnified that must be at a time when your body is right in the home stretch of making a baby.

  3. Lauren, I know I probably sound like a broken record by now, but seriously. SERIOUSLY. If I ever decide to have children, it will be because of the way that you have narrated your pregnancy. It’s raw and real and optimistic, even when you say that you threw fits and ugly cried. You have been honest in such a crazy way that I can’t help but hope that (if we have kids) I go through pregnancy with as much honesty and grace.

    And now, because that probably made you super uncomfortable, can I just mention that you are almost there! (!!!!!!!) It floors me, and so I can’t even imagine where your brain is at this point. But hey, Gabe is very very nearly here! And you’ve got cheerleaders like crazy, especially when things are hard like this.

      1. This is such a HUGE compliment, I don’t even feel worthy of it. Honestly. I worry that sometimes I am overly negative because some of this is just so shocking! And no one tells you! And blahblahblah, but I am very glad that I am keeping an even tone, because it is so balanced. It’s crazy – being pregnant is a crazy crazy thing. Growing a freaking HUMAN. There is one inside of my own body right now… and he could come out any time and be totally normal and healthy… that is so weird. And amazing. I was watching the Beyonce documentary last night (it is so good!) and she said that giving birth was a chance to “Assist in a miracle” … and I just felt like that was the perfect way to describe it… even on not a religious level, just the hugeness of it, and realizing that I am here, doing it… but only part of it … because creating LIFE is so much bigger than just me. Anyways… I’m going on and on.

        But thank you, I’m absolutely humbled by your thoughts.

  4. I think it’s a secret fact of adulthood that we all need to throw ugly temper tantrums, and have inconsolable cries every once in a while. I know I do, and I’m not even pregnant. Can’t even imagine how hard it is to hold it all in after 9+ months of baby-growing, while looking forward to the months of aftermath as well. I firmly believe it’s a necessary pressure valve to open up every once in a while, in the hope that the next day, or even the next hour, things will start looking up. (gentle) hugs! You’re rocking this, just like you have all along.

  5. These moods happen to the best of us!! I cried in the grocery store last week because they were out of parmesan cheese. (Don’t worry – it was there, just on a different shelf). And I am definitely not pregnant. My husband found all of this hysterically funny…

    1. Anna and Erin – I think I love hearing stories about other people’s meltdowns almost the bestest. It is the great equalizer when we are all snotty and being ridiculous – totally valid ridiculousness. It makes me love people even more. haha.

    2. I do stuff like that too! And then my boyfriend tells me “It’ll be okay” or “Everything will be okay” and I yell at him because “How can you say that? Everything is NOT okay!”

  6. I love you!! This is all really hard and I’m sure I cannot in any way understand – but your optimism will get you through. It is you doing the work of staying positive and waking up with a new attitude – on top of all the other things your body and mind are doing and preparing for right now – YOU are also pulling yourself through. And of course Kamel is helping (sweet sweet baths!) – but you should be so proud that you are taking care of yourself while on top of it – creating a HUMAN. Cheers to that!

  7. This. All of this. So much this.
    Add in a referral to the special care clinic at the hospital and you have my last few days. No wonder I had a meltdown yesterday afternoon. Thank goodness I had come home from work early!

  8. Honestly this is one of the most inspirational posts I have read in a long time anywhere. (And I am neither pregnant nor will be soon – partly because I am still single, partly because I am still figuring out my life, and partly because I am a poor student). Not because you had a bad weekend (I’m sorry for that!) But because it got better. And because it is ok for life to not be perfect, because that is what makes it life. And it can still be amazing even when it’s rough. That is a universal lesson! Thanks for your amazing blog.

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