Brain Fart

I was going to write about baby stuff again, how things in my body are changing and lalala. I was going to talk about the reality of being almost finished with pregnancy (the reality for me, that is), complete with updated photos etc.

But then I got home from work to a shitty husband who seems content with throwing fits and nothing else. You know those days, we all have those days. Except when it is someone else we’re all like, “God. Get it together.” And stuff.

I hate how living with someone can derail your perfectly normal, mildly happy day. How suddenly I’m eating a bowl of cereal alone at the kitchen table for dinner. And how, also just as suddenly, my plans for writing and being productive shift into blob-ville. Because all I can think about is how annoyed I am and how frustrating it is to have another person capable of all that side-tracking.

I don’t have the stamina for this day anymore. I am distracted and brain-farted and all of my mental energy is focused on doing my best to “not engage” – because sometimes being married is really about avoiding each other as best you can without being too obvious. Most of the time it works when done correctly.

Plus, and this is totally (ok mildly) unrelated – but I skimmed this other blog on my way home from work today and she was all “let me tell you the truth about morning sickness” and I got this flood of fear. The fear that everything I have ever thought or said or written has already been thought or said or written and why are you even still here reading me? What have I become but a redundant drone? Ahh! AM I EVEN STILL FUNNY?

Anyways – I had a mild panic moment where I second-guessed my entire existence on this planet, and was also very annoyed with myself for having a week so pregnant-talk heavy. So maybe that is also why I’m incapable of telling you all the things I have been mentally cataloging for the last month.

I’ll try again tomorrow.

25 thoughts on “Brain Fart”

  1. Sometimes you have to hear things over and over and over until you finally start to believe them so I’ll leave this comment as many times as it takes: We like reading about your pregnancy! Because we like you!
    And good god woman, when Gabe gets here we’re going to want to read every little thing about him and see every picture ever taken.
    You have so many super interesting things going on it your life and in your head and right now this one is HUGE. And we care about that!

  2. You try again tomorrow, and I’ll be here tomorrow. I don’t know what it was with yesterday but I also had a difficult day (and I just had cofee with a friend who had the same). I was feeling sad and grumpy about life and couldn’t really shake it off (until we went to our first salsa class and then for a drink with friends and it was better).

    I used to write this journal, and I once wrote something like what you just said “The fear that everything I have ever thought or said or written has already been thought or said or written and why are you even still here reading me? What have I become but a redundant drone? Ahh! AM I EVEN STILL FUNNY?”

    It made me think of a quote by Kurt Cobain (which I copied in that entry journal):

    “”WORDS suck. I mean, every thing has been said. I can’t remember the last real interesting conversation I’ve had in a long time….”

    But you are still funny. And like Heather says, we love reading about your pregnancy because we like you. And we can’t wait to hear about Gabe, and about writing, and about your new adventures, and about… everything.

    Also, I hope Kamel is feeling better today.

  3. YOU ARE STILL FUNNY. And interesting and relevant. So much so that I have emerged from my usual lurky hideyhole to confirm how excellent you are. I hope tomorrow is a jollier day.

  4. Deep breaths, lady! šŸ™‚ Those days are just days, and you are totally interesting. (You’re on my starred list in google reader, which PRACTICALLY makes you a superhero. Basically. šŸ˜‰ )

  5. Thank you ladies! I know… I’m a broken record when it comes to the cringe-publish. Some days I’m all “awww yeahhh brilliance!” and some days I’m all “grumble grumble, pass me a doughnut.”

  6. I am so glad you posted, even though you had an icky day. I enjoy your posts and you ARE funny. I love your preggo posts because they are from YOUR perspective — that’s what makes them unique!

  7. I so 100% relate to how quickly a partners bad mood can be so derailing. And it annoys me so much. I get so irritated with myself for letting myself be sucked into that.

  8. Lauren,
    Take a moment to go back and read some of what you wrote. You are hysterical and funnier than most people would hope to be. Just because someone wrote something that you wrote doesn’t mean that they had it down on paper first. I know there a number of people out there, that don’t respond, but read your blog daily and they tell me how fun it is to hear about your life. Hang in there sweetie. Love you tons.
    DB

  9. Thank you for sharing these honest, frustrating, wonderful and irritating bits of life. Also, “being married is really about avoiding each other as best you can without being too obvious” is so absolutely true.

  10. You’re still funny. *hugs*

    My mom made a joke just yesterday about “making pancakes on the girdle.” (I thought you’d like to know that my family STILL loves that story.)

    Also, I want to point out that YOU are soo funny that when I saw that the title for the post was “brain fart” I immediately wondered if you were going to describe what a brain would sound like if a brain could fart. I am still wondering about that right now. Would it sound sort of wet and squishy? I don’t think it would sound airy because brains are in a sort of sac of liquid, right? I imagine it would be one of those really loud, damp-sounding rippers that stink to high heaven and make you wonder if the person shat themselves a little.

  11. Ah, I’m sorry you had such a crap day. Living with someone makes it hard to stay sane a lot of the time! Some people make cohabitation/marriage look way easy, so thanks for your honest post highlighting a challenging time so the rest of us don’t feel like we’re doing it totally wrong. šŸ™‚

  12. There’s definitely something to be said for needing space, and sometimes ignoring each other a little, in a marriage. Being co-dependent isn’t healthy and having the space to feel your own feelings separately can be really important from both ends of the good mood/bad mood spectrum.

    We’re having the opposite day here, where I’m feeling grumpy and whiny and I’m trying to get space because if I let my bad day pull my husband down I’ll just have more to feel grumpy and whiny and annoyed about everything. Sometimes having a husband to cheer me up and cuddle me into a good mood is just perfect, but sometimes I just need the space for grumps.

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