Monday night I came home from work and was curled up in bed, falling asleep, by 7:30. This is why there was no post yesterday. But then! The whole sleeping thing turned out to be a bit of a mistake because by 10:30, when I woke up to roll my sore, big body over, I had the most glorious (and slightly troubling) sensation of waking up from a great nap. By 2:30 I had fidgeted, rolled, peed so many times that I was super awake and super fed up with being in bed altogether, but I tried to ignore it as it was the middle of the night! By 3:30 I had for sure given up and began playing word games on my phone. By 4:30 I was so uncomfortable and bored and hating myself for not being able to sleep, for sleeping too early, etc etc, that I woke up Kamel – who was very sleepy but also a very good sport. And then I cried because, “I hate this!” and then we snuggled and chatted until the alarm went off at 5:30. At which point! I hopped out of bed, fit as a fiddle, to make myself breakfast while Kamel got the Daily Show prepped on the iPad. But then… after breakfast…. I promptly fell fast asleep. I was basically a completely broken human yesterday. Never again am I allowed to sleep before 9pm, unless there are other-worldly circumstances like flu, or newborn, or… nope that’s pretty much it.
I do my best to catch the 514 train home every day, but because I am much slower now, sometimes I miss it and can only catch the 520. When I do catch the 514 I always sit in the same car, even if I don’t mean to… and most of the time I am always surprised that it is the same car because it is not my intention. Creature of subconscious habit, I guess. In the car that I seem to 90% of the time choose, there are a group of commuters who always sit next to each other and who are the most obnoxious, ignorant, racist loud talkers on the planet! (Probably not the whole planet…. probably just on the little planet that is Caltrain.) Anyways – they almost make me want to give up my favorite swear words because they are sooooo crass and obnoxious that they make me cringe. There is 1 lady, who loves to talk about black people, and there are 3 dudes…. or 2… sometimes I can’t tell because they always sit behind me and I never want to turn around and look at them. There is 1 guy who is always talking about how “old” he is, and he is probably, maybe in his 50s? And he is always talking about how he would just “beat the shit out of” whomever or whatever because he’s “too old for that bullshit, I can’t stand that fucking [insert any number of things here].” The young guy (or 2?) is some kind of computer person…. or something involving technology, and he is always trying to defend his knowledge of something that the old guy is challenging him on. And the lady never knows what the hell she is talking about… well none of them do most of the time, but the lady is the worst because she wholeheartedly believes everything that comes out of her mouth even though it is ridiculously incorrect. Some days it is everything I can do not to turn around and correct the random wrong fact about some random thing they are convincing each other of. But then I remember they are totally mean, racist, and a little crazy… also I really need to do a better job at not talking to strangers, so I never engage and I always keep my distance.
Here are a list of things I can’t wait to do once the baby is out of my body:
- Dance like I have a waist and am not afraid to use it.
- Sleep on my stomach (oooo even the thought of it sends a jolt of happy through my body!)
- Walks with the stroller…! We have all of this cool kid-equipment and I don’t even get to use it! I know my time will come, but I’m stoked to take all the things we bought out for a spin.
- Work out! WORK OUT LIKE I MEAN IT!
- Being able to dress up Gabe in any outfit I want and then take pictures of him in said outfit and post them on the internet.
- Start taking the train in the morning again, and by association keep up with my reading.
I had a full on “I’m pregnant but I’m also faaaaaaat” meltdown on Sunday. It may have also been due to completely over-doing it on Saturday with too many appointments and too much running around and not enough rest time. But, on Sunday morning I didn’t even make it out of bed before I was sobbing and Kamel was patting my head saying, “You are beautiful, honey… it’s just pregnancy! I swear!” Which is so much like every movie, Lifetime mini series, etc etc I’ve ever seen that it makes me laugh just typing it out. This has been maybe only the second meltdown… the first one was when I was pacing the floor in the middle of the night because I had one of the PANICS early in my pregnancy about how I wasn’t keeping up with my fitness. Sigh. How adorable that tiny person was back then. Anyway, I had the meltdown, I wallowed, I tweeted, I read the lovely twitter responses, I let Kamel pat my head some more, and then I got over it. I’m doing the best I can and I need to keep reminding myself of that. It’s difficult with the first pregnancy, I have no idea what my body is capable of, what my “normal” is (because… on some level – screw the textbook normal), or what will happen to me post labor/delivery. So many changes, so many unknowns that it can be really overwhelming. But… I’m doing the best I can, this is the best I have. And as long as in the end, I can laugh so hard I pee a little at the site of my new golf-ball (or as Kamel said “like the skin of an orange!” thanks honey) textured rump, I think I’m doing ok.