Mom.

Yesterday I reached the 7 month mark and now I am in the 3rd trimester. I will have a post with photos and such and talk about how I’m feeling later in the week or early next week. Until then, something else has popped up that I wanted to write about.

Sometimes it scares me that my time alone with Kamel is ticking quickly away. I only have 3 more months left of just us two. Even typing that makes my adrenaline pump, like I’m headed toward a cliff. We talk about it. We make plans to have alone time, we talk about how having an infant isn’t like having an automatic 15 year old, we reassure ourselves that we are a team. But it’s still scary.

There are a few other things, too.

Sometimes I think: Who will I be after all of this pregnancy stuff is over? What will I be capable of? What will my body be like? What will being a mom on top of my other many hats do to my ambitions? To my self? To… how people perceive me and who I am on the inside? I have ideas, I have parenting “philosophies” (Which pretty much boil down to: I am mom, not your best friend. Consistency. Bed times. No TVs in bedrooms. Love. Protection. Adult/Child boundaries.), I have goals and plans for the next many years… but what the hell do I know? I’m driving toward a big dark expanse that is only illuminated as I inch along. Maybe I’m going to mess it all up. Maybe I’ve done something that will change the course of my personal goals and career forever. Maybe I won’t like it. What if I don’t like it? What if it’s amazing? What if it’s harder than anything I could have ever dreamed of? What if it’s not as hard as people say?

Sometimes, in life, at work, around, etc, people make comments about me becoming a mom.

“Is that the kind of mom you’ll be?”

“You’re going to be a great mom!”

“Is that your mom coming out? Watch out!”

I don’t feel like a mom. And I can honestly say, I hope to be a really badass one, but … I don’t really know. I feel like I should know because in 3 months I will be one. Like a magician with a magic wand. Poof, I’m a mom. And a wife. And a Lauren. And a writer. And a goofball. And neurotic. And a best friend/sister/person/lady thing.

Change is ridiculous. We want it, we run towards it. We want the new house and the new job and the new boyfriend, we want to shed our single life and attach ourselves to another person forever and ever. Sometimes I look at myself and think: My god. I am PREGNANT. How did I get this way? How did this all happen? I just marched along, doing the things, and here I am! And not that it wasn’t thought of and discussed and decided. It was. But sometimes I am still surprised I’m not late for English class, and I don’t have a test in AP US History on Thursday. And how did I get to this place? Where did I park the car? I survived grad school, got married, and now I am full on, mother of a soon to be boy (A BOY?!), pregnant.

Sometimes time is so slow it stretches out in all directions. And sometimes it is so fast I can’t catch my breath.

12 thoughts on “Mom.”

  1. I think you pretty much figure things out as you go… like with everything. Of course you have clear ideas. Of course you research, and read, and find out about things like development (if that interests you),but I think we learn by doing. And you guys will do fine, you will be the most fun family ever. You will always be Kamel and Lauren, above all, and if you are conscious about it you will make the time and space for your relationship, new adventures…
    BTW, this weekend I saw the bookBaby by Desmond Morris , and I was super curious. I know Desmond Morris as a zoologist who wrote rather controversial books as The naked Ape and The human Zoo. The book is beautifully illustrated, I’m not sure if it’s your thing, but it looked interesting.

    (From the description: ” Renowned zoologist and scholar of human behavior Desmond Morris (The Naked Ape) reveals a baby’s incredible powers of development and extraordinary growth patterns. Through informed text and stunning photographs and artworks, this insightful reference surveys the biology, physics, chemistry and other forces which drive the rapid changes that occur in a baby’s body every day.Amazing Baby is a discovery tour through a baby’s first two years. The story progresses from the moment of conception through each phase of development in the womb and beyond as the baby is born and matures into a talking, walking individual with a unique personality. “)

    I am sure, certain that you will still be Lauren, fun, adventureous, writer, full of projects.

  2. I have to say, I still don’t feel like a mom (and I have an 11 month old). I know that I am. It took a few months, but it no longer feels weird to say I have a daughter. But when asked to describe myself, mom is not a word that pops up. I was just thinking about this the other day as I was drifting off to sleep – that I wonder if or when that might change and I might identify with that word/role more.

    So, 11 months later, everything is different and nothing at all is different. There is another person in our house and family. One who is awesome and amazing, who melts my heart and brings me so much (and who is challenging and demanding as well). But the core of who I am, the core of who my wife is, the things we like, our life goals, those things are the same.

    1. It’s good to hear that Mom doesn’t happen overnight. It’s such an EPIC LABEL OF EPIC MEANINGNESS. I don’t want it to be all I Am, and I don’t want it to be non-existent. It’s strange. And more complicated, for me at least, than the Wife label. For some reason…

  3. I loved this post! I feel this way all the time and love seeing someone else asking the same questions. As for the mom thing, I imagine that I will evolve and be one kind of mom at first with a baby, then another kind of mom when the kid gets in a fight, then another kind when he gets a license, etc. But come on, how can we not say “you’re going to be a great mom” when your’e thinking about all of these things!

  4. I’ve gotta say–I still can’t wrap my head around the fact that people my age are moms. Every time I have a friend/acquaintance who announces she’s pregnant, my immediate thought is, “BUT WE ARE TOO YOUNG!!!”. And then I stop and realize that nope, I’m in my late 20s, this is definitely when a lot of people start having kids.

    I mean, I also don’t feel like an adult half the time, sooo…there you go πŸ˜›

    Your “mom philosophy” sounds pretty rockin’. I think you’ll navigate these new waters just fine πŸ™‚

  5. What an exciting time! I’m nervous/scared/happy/pumped for you! I like the advice that I’ve gotten from my Mom – you pretty much get to do things/ hold roles in the way that you choose to do them. Your definition of teacher or entrepreneur will vary from other people’s take on that role. Just like with the reclaiming wife idea over at APW – What is “your” definition of Wife? And what will “your” definition of Mom be? (I’m only doing quotations because I can’t do italics… I don’t mean “your” ironically or something…)

  6. I absolutely love this post. I feel all of the same things you are thinking, I just have a few more years to figure it all out! As other commenters have said, I think your definition of it shifts depending on the situation. Maybe there will be years when the thing that automatically pops into your head when describing yourself is MOM and maybe there will be other years when its not that. Either way, you will be awesome at it Lauren. You are too smart and thoughtful and FUN to not be!

  7. Even without being pregnant I have some of those wonders and concerns (I think it comes just with planning a family.)

    In some ways I wonder if reconciling all the different worries and identities and concerns will be a touch easier once the baby is born. Just in that right now a lot of it is based on speculation and expecations: I want to be this style of mother, and to do these things to maintain my relationship through the changes and there’s no chance to get to react to an actual situation and see how you feel about handling it.

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