As the year is approaching a close, I can’t help but think about all the things that happened in 2012. It boggles me how many things ACTUALLY happened this year. How could all of those things fit into 1 year? What the hell was I thinking? (Rock climbing lessons, Barcelona, Hot Air Ballooning, Maris’s Wedding, Pregnancy, A trip to Mexico City, A trip to Grand Rapids, to Houston, 2 trips to Vegas, many trips to Seattle, and this weekend Kathleen’s wedding.)
But this is not a re-cap post, not really anyways. We’ve been marveling at all of the stuff we’ve done this year and then I remembered the post I did last December about the good fruit and the bad apples, where I listed the awesome things about 2011, the things that enriched my life. I also listed the things that weren’t that great, the things that brought me down or limited me. I remember thinking when I wrote this post that I really needed to be more adventurous again. I felt like the wedding had sucked up a year of my life and had hindered us financially and had drained us of time, emotional energy, and motivation to do anything but hang out in a quiet room never to plan another event for as long as we both shall live. Amen. The only problem was I didn’t want to live that way – so I was going to make sure 2012 was the opposite of sit-around-and-stare-at-each-other. And boy… I think I made that happen. Maybe a little too much! If I ever try to convince myself a year isn’t enough time to do anything worthwhile, I will just have to remember 2012 and how we did ALL THE THINGS.
Then yesterday morning the people on the radio were talking about Childhood Dreams and if they had fulfilled their childhood dreams or not. What were they? How did they turn out? And so on. And I thought, rather shockingly, that I am ridiculously content with my life. I feel like the blog world can be a lot of discontent, of whining, of rants and grumbles…. it can also be a lot of false positives, of lives that look beautiful on paper but most certainly are not the whole truth. And I’ve had my share of ranting and self doubt, but when I have the realization that I’m actually doing pretty good and carving out a pretty sweet life, I want to share that too.
I don’t think I’ve necessarily fulfilled my childhood dreams. When I was little I wanted to be a priest or a Safeway checker because they got to make the beep sound when they slid food across the magic counter top. Even if I could be a priest, I have a feeling I wouldn’t be a very good one, and let’s be honest – I probably would have been pretty frustrated at Safeway. In 8th grade I realized I wanted to be a writer, and even though I’m not done walking that path, I’m pretty “fulfilled” with where I am and where I am headed. Overall, I think I have kind of surpassed my Childhood Dreams (in all caps). My life is way cooler than I could have ever imagined. And for the first time ever (and I’m sure for only a short amount of time before I am thrown back into the pit of, “you call this SUCCESS?!”) I feel like I am and we are exactly where I need to be, doing exactly what I need to be doing, and I’m a little bit impressed with how cool it is all turning out to be.
We don’t have tons of money, we don’t have tons of space. I don’t have a backyard or a house where I can paint the walls whatever shade I want. I would really like to have a dog, but we can’t do that right now. And I will have to make another career leap in the near future. A major project I had come so close to starting and launching and ahhhh! had to be put on the back burning because pregnancy turned out to be a second job and a full time handful of woah what the fuck is that, and we don’t even live in the city we want to spend the rest of our lives in. Kamel has never been to Hawaii and I had to say no to a lot of personal fun things to make space for obligations. Nothing is perfect, and I still cry about things that hurt my feelings, friends that have come and gone, I still rage at Kamel and hate hate hate him and then sob because how could I ever live without him?
But I really really love this life. Like really. I am proud of where we are financially, and I am proud of our personal/career/family growth. Really proud. And if we were to stay just as we are (except the pregnant part, that could end please) I would be totally happy. And knowing that is the best. I also know that it won’t be like this forever. I will get antsy in the pantsy… we will have hardship and disappointment and feel like we are failing, even if it isn’t entirely true and even more so if it is true. And I will work too hard or spend too much or not be able to spend anything at all and hate feeling so limited. And I’ll talk about it here, for better or worse, because this is real life. This is the real stuff that actually happens, the hills and valleys, the good/fluffy/pretty home in improvement, lovey dovey crap all mixed in with the sick/stressful/self-loathing/marriage resenting stuff. It’s all ridiculous and ridiculously amazing at the same exact time.