Sometimes I want to write about pregnant things that don’t really have anything to do with a monthly update. I get a little shy about it because blahblah pregnant Lauren blahblahblah. Also somethings are bodily function gross. And… even I have some internet boundaries (in actuality I would totally share, and am dying to share these things except for the cringe factor… and my own pinch of vanity).
Anyways… pregnant things. I’ve been making a silent list in my head for a while of things that I go, “holy shit that is a pregnant thing and I have just experienced it and that is really really weird.”
1.) I don’t know why but suddenly having my feet rubbed is the GREATEST FEELING IN THE WORLD. Second only to scratching my itchy boobs, but I will get to that in a min. This weekend I got a pedicure, something I used to do (many moons ago) a lot more than I do now. Look at those little chubby pregnant toes. The lady who did the awesome foot rub with the lotion (you know the one) right before they do the actual painting … the foot rub that I always wish could go on forever… I could have given her a million dollars this last weekend if she would have agreed to never ever ever stop rubbing my feet. I was half a heart beat away from an audible moan of pleasure when I realized I was in public and, “keep it together, Lauren… for the love of God.”
2.) Itchy boobs. This has subsided for the time being, but there were several months of the most intense itchiness on the boobs/nipples/under boobs/everywhere boob-related. Sometimes the itch would be so bad at work I would try to slyly press my arm against my chest, trying to squeeze the itch out. It is one of the most frantic, “I must claw the skin from my body but ouchy tender nipples” feeling I have ever experienced. And there was nothing better than whipping off my bra and spending 10 minutes scratching bright pink lines onto my chest and rib cage the minute i got home from work. Because yeah.
3.) Pregnant brain. You’ve heard about this…. how pregnant women somehow become spacy, forgetful, lose their minds, etc? I don’t really feel like I’m more forgetful… it’s just that I’m preoccupied. I’m tired and slow and most of my energy is spent on trying to function like a normal human and not like someone who feels overwhelming tired and slow. So, my usual sharpness (like a tac, I tell you!) has slipped away. I don’t always remember all the words I want to say, sometimes I forget where I put things or forget what I wanted to tell Kamel. Not because I am permanently broken, just because I am focusing elsewhere. It’s probably going to get worse, and I’m ok with it. I’m too tired to care.
4.) Every time I see another pregnant woman on the street I fight the urge to run up and give her a hug and tell her that we’re totally in this together and I GET YOU. I SO GET YOU. I have yet to embrace a stranger, thank goodness. But! I do try to catch their eye so that we can share a moment of, “I see you, yup, me too.” I seriously attempt this with every pregnant lady I see… but I am not creepy about it and I am not overly staring… just open to the possibility (this sounds so much creepier than I mean to it, I swear!). And then one day, my dream came true! And I had the smile, nod, and understanding look thing with another pregnant stranger on the street of downtown San Francisco!! Of course I had to call Kamel immediately, because who else would understand my level of crazy/excitement? Well, except you guys, of course. But it happened! Pregnant solidarity! It. Was. Glorious.
5.) On that note… it is so true that people who I don’t even know at all will want to tell me gross things about being pregnant/after being pregnant. I am very very squeamish and I really do not want to know that shit. I really really do not. I want to roll with things because if I don’t roll with things I will OBSESS over things. Why yes, I did spend an evening watching birth videos on youtube… because I’m a crazy person… even though Kamel kept calmly saying to me, “Please don’t do this, Lauren. Please don’t do this.” But! That is beside the point. I don’t want to hear about that one lady you know who died during labor, or the gross terrible things that happened to your body in the first 6 weeks after birth. I am living in a bubble where the worst that happens occurs when I push the baby out. Other than that… I am in a world of unicorns and happy places. Baby snuggles are in my future…. every thing else I am plugging my ears and closing my eyes. It’s (probably…) going to happen anyways, so what is the point of sharing that icky information so many months in advance? No. No thank you stranger. Walk along now.
6.) I really want to tell you about the other gross stuff that surprised me, and continues to surprise me. But then I feel like I would be one of those people I just talked about. So if you want to know the weird nitty gritty you can email me at betterinrealife at the gmails. In the mean time: The body is weird. It is WEIRD. And it is magical and difficult and shocking. Since June I have been navigating it pretty well, coming up with fixes to problems and taking things as they come. I am pretty freaked out that my belly button is going to pop out soon. For whatever reason this terrifies me. And even though I’m (mostly, kind of) embracing the pregnant body as not permanent and a vessel and yadda yadda “I’m not going to freak out by gaining 25 lbs like *poof*”… if my belly button DOES pop, I will be putting a giant band-aid over that ish. I draw the line a tummy nipple.