Yup, Still Pregnant

Sometimes I want to write about pregnant things that don’t really have anything to do with a monthly update. I get a little shy about it because blahblah pregnant Lauren blahblahblah. Also somethings are bodily function gross. And… even I have some internet boundaries (in actuality I would totally share, and am dying to share these things except for the cringe factor… and my own pinch of vanity).

Anyways… pregnant things. I’ve been making a silent list in my head for a while of things that I go, “holy shit that is a pregnant thing and I have just experienced it and that is really really weird.”

1.) I don’t know why but suddenly having my feet rubbed is the GREATEST FEELING IN THE WORLD. Second only to scratching my itchy boobs, but I will get to that in a min. This weekend I got a pedicure, something I used to do (many moons ago) a lot more than I do now. Look at those little chubby pregnant toes. The lady who did the awesome foot rub with the lotion (you know the one) right before they do the actual painting … the foot rub that I always wish could go on forever… I could have given her a million dollars this last weekend if she would have agreed to never ever ever stop rubbing my feet. I was half a heart beat away from an audible moan of pleasure when I realized I was in public and, “keep it together, Lauren… for the love of God.”

2.) Itchy boobs. This has subsided for the time being, but there were several months of the most intense itchiness on the boobs/nipples/under boobs/everywhere boob-related. Sometimes the itch would be so bad at work I would try to slyly press my arm against my chest, trying to squeeze the itch out. It is one of the most frantic, “I must claw the skin from my body but ouchy tender nipples” feeling I have ever experienced. And there was nothing better than whipping off my bra and spending 10 minutes scratching bright pink lines onto my chest and rib cage the minute i got home from work. Because yeah.

3.) Pregnant brain. You’ve heard about this…. how pregnant women somehow become spacy, forgetful, lose their minds, etc? I don’t really feel like I’m more forgetful… it’s just that I’m preoccupied. I’m tired and slow and most of my energy is spent on trying to function like a normal human and not like someone who feels overwhelming tired and slow. So, my usual sharpness (like a tac, I tell you!) has slipped away. I don’t always remember all the words I want to say, sometimes I forget where I put things or forget what I wanted to tell Kamel. Not because I am permanently broken, just because I am focusing elsewhere. It’s probably going to get worse, and I’m ok with it. I’m too tired to care.

4.) Every time I see another pregnant woman on the street I fight the urge to run up and give her a hug and tell her that we’re totally in this together and I GET YOU. I SO GET YOU. I have yet to embrace a stranger, thank goodness. But! I do try to catch their eye so that we can share a moment of, “I see you, yup, me too.” I seriously attempt this with every pregnant lady I see… but I am not creepy about it and I am not overly staring… just open to the possibility (this sounds so much creepier than I mean to it, I swear!). And then one day, my dream came true! And I had the smile, nod, and understanding look thing with another pregnant stranger on the street of downtown San Francisco!! Of course I had to call Kamel immediately, because who else would understand my level of crazy/excitement? Well, except you guys, of course. But it happened! Pregnant solidarity! It. Was. Glorious.

5.) On that note… it is so true that people who I don’t even know at all will want to tell me gross things about being pregnant/after being pregnant. I am very very squeamish and I really do not want to know that shit. I really really do not. I want to roll with things because if I don’t roll with things I will OBSESS over things. Why yes, I did spend an evening watching birth videos on youtube… because I’m a crazy person… even though Kamel kept calmly saying to me, “Please don’t do this, Lauren. Please don’t do this.” But! That is beside the point. I don’t want to hear about that one lady you know who died during labor, or the gross terrible things that happened to your body in the first 6 weeks after birth. I am living in a bubble where the worst that happens occurs when I push the baby out. Other than that… I am in a world of unicorns and happy places. Baby snuggles are in my future…. every thing else I am plugging my ears and closing my eyes. It’s (probably…) going to happen anyways, so what is the point of sharing that icky information so many months in advance? No. No thank you stranger. Walk along now.

6.) I really want to tell you about the other gross stuff that surprised me, and continues to surprise me. But then I feel like I would be one of those people I just talked about. So if you want to know the weird nitty gritty you can email me at betterinrealife at the gmails. In the mean time: The body is weird. It is WEIRD. And it is magical and difficult and shocking. Since June I have been navigating it pretty well, coming up with fixes to problems and taking things as they come. I am pretty freaked out that my belly button is going to pop out soon. For whatever reason this terrifies me. And even though I’m (mostly, kind of) embracing the pregnant body as not permanent and a vessel and yadda yadda “I’m not going to freak out by gaining 25 lbs like *poof*”… if my belly button DOES pop, I will be putting a giant band-aid over that ish. I draw the line a tummy nipple.

15 thoughts on “Yup, Still Pregnant”

  1. It seems you are feeling better lately ? Thanks for being honest and for sharing it all. Refreshing, real stories are so much needed. And there are so many taboos, women things that happen and people don’t talk about, and it is so needed. I am not sure if it’s a girl thing, if there are things that secretly happen to boys and are not talked about, but I’m not a boy so I wouldn’t know.
    I love to read your updates, it’s like… it will happen one day. And hopefully soon cause I already daydream of baby Gabriel playing with future baby of ours.
    Thinking of you constantly.
    (And I am totally with you on unicorn land and taking things as they come… or else, obsession. It’s exactly how my brain works).

  2. You know, I’d draw the line at tummy nipple as well. Also, foot rubs are what significant others are for, or at least that’s how I explain it to J whenever I want one after a long run 🙂

    Also, you can totally keep doing extra sporadic updates. You aren’t splashing naked belly shots everywhere (sorry, my personal pet peeve with pregnant ladies), and you navel gaze in the most entertaining and self-aware way. It’s adorable. Basically, every time you talk about pregnancy, I just want to hug you.

    1. Good god, those photos creep me out. More power to people who actually take those photos and cherish them, but seeing other people’s preggo bellies… too much to take over my morning tea and bowl of crunchy nuts.

  3. The phrase tummy nipple just made me spit my coffee I laughed so hard. That’s a lovely start to a morning!

    Half of me is very, very curious about this other gross/weird stuff that you think is going to far to post on the internet for general consumption and half of me is completely terrified about just what is so bad you don’t want to post. I love how you’ve got the pregnant lady solidarity look down pat.

  4. I need to really not read your posts while at my desks. The coworkers think I’m crazy. But TUMMY NIPPLE! How could I not burst out in giggles? And I agree with everyone else. You are so the opposite of annoying pregnant lady. Your posts are honest, and therefore charming. Not to mention hilarious. Love it!

  5. I also was prepared to draw the line at a tummy nipple. Yes, I was freaked out about it. And while my button became totally flat, it only ever threatened nippledom when I coughed or otherwise flexed my core muscles at the very very very end. So I’m crossing my fingers for you to simply have a flat one.

    Also re: feet. While pregnant I trained my dog to lick the soles of my feet with long forceful swipes. It seemed like the best trick ever. Now I’m regretting it a little because he wants to show the baby affection by licking her feet, and she is about two weeks away from being able to put those same feet in her own mouth. Oops.

  6. Hehe I love all this niple conversation. Tummy nipples. Itchy boob nipples. I LOVE IT.

    here here maris! about the naked tummy pictures! keep those off facebook, kthanks!

    ps: your feet still look tiny to me!

    Love you and looking forward to babe the gabe snuggles too! Home stretch unicorn land!

  7. Managing to avoid the swollen feet and itchy boobs (largely), but MAN my boobs are packing HEAT at the moment. I get a small amount of itchy-ness at the top of them, go to itch it and realise that my boobs are a significant amount warmer than my upper chest. Interesting…

    Bare bump shots? Not for me particularly. I much prefer to wear a tight fitting top for my weekly bump progression photo (which I am only doing in case one day I need to look back and go “gosh I was skinny still at 25 weeks, wish I could lose that weight again!” and am not showing to many people at all).

    And YES distractible. All of a sudden (like the last couple of weeks), I can sit down with a book and BAM! its 2 hours later and I’ve missed lunch. Oops. Thankfully when I need to concentrate I can – I went through a phase where I didn’t allow myself to drive.

  8. Aaah, the belly button thing is freaking me out a little bit too. Mine’s been starting to pop around the top edge, enough that you can see it through a shirt. And it’s not even just the idea that makes me go “baaaggh” (even though it does), it’s also that as the belly gets bigger and starts bumping up against more stuff, I don’t need something extra sticking out to make me yelp when it accidentally gets hit.

    Also yeah, pregnancy brain. “Hey, were we going to the… umm. The… the the thethe… uhh thheee…. the what’s-it-called today?”

    “The grocery store?”


    1. Hahahahahahaha I love that dialogue. It happens all of the time. I have extreme puppy-like ADD now.

      “Oh I was going to ask you- oooo shiny object.”
      “What, Lauren?”
      “What were you going to ask me?”
      “Oh ummmm…. I don’t know.”

      3 hours later.

      “I REMEMBER! PEANUT BUTTER! Do we have any peanut butter?”

  9. Just too damn funny. Couldn’t help but laugh out loud. I guess sharing the yuk factor makes this even more funny. Thanks for the laugh. I really needed it today. Love you tons


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