I admittedly bristle at the conversation that happens about women and their hormones. “What, is she on her period?” And then I stab someone.
It drives me bonkers. I can have a passionate response to something without it being tied to anything in particular beyond the reason for said response. And yes, hormones… sometimes i cry more because of hormones. Why is this such an annoying thing for you, oh greater society? Is it because you have a penis and like to pretend that you are not affected by hormones? I bet you are (just ask your penis).
I’m digressing. This happens when I get on a ranty roll of rolling rants.
Women and their hormones. Right. Pregnancy and hormones. Yes. Everything about what I feel from day one of getting knocked up is pretty much 100% hormone related. The nausea, the exhaustion, the inability to poop like a normal person, the ever expanding tummy, and oh… yeah… the kid. Hormones!
And this is where I come clean about this one thing that has happened to me twice. At first I wasn’t sure, I thought maybe it was a fluke. But then… the second time rolled around and I knew for sure what it was: Hysterics.
Have you ever laughed so hard you’ve cried? Have you ever cried at a commercial or a movie that wasn’t supposed to be sad, but you found it sad anyways? Ok so take these experiences where you came away and were all like, “Oh for chrissake, me, get a grip,” and then times them by 1000000. Hysterics.
I have not been struck down by sudden fits of pregnant rage, though I do feel a little more irritated than usual… especially at work… but I can generally keep that under wraps so that I don’t lose my job. What happened was that something was funny. Really funny. Ok, maybe not really really funny, but pretty damn funny. And it just got funnier. And then pretty soon Kamel and I were laughing at each other laughing, and then this weird thing happened where my laugh was no longer “ha ha ha” but instead was this weird, very high-pitched, wail. Before this I had never made this sound before, but there I was making it. It sounds a little like this: “EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!” Which, you know, is funny. Especially to me… especially while I have no way of making that noise stop.
This noise is the first sign that I have tipped right on over the edge. I know this now, but I didn’t realize it the first time, and only got it after-the-fact on the second go-round. My body no longer knows what to do with itself. Kamel was still laughing, things are still funny on the outside, but on the inside some switch got flipped on and I’m “EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE”-ing and laughing with tears springing from my eyes and then just like that I’m sobbing. Like the ugly cry, full on. And it’s kind of embarrassing because I don’t know why I’m crying, I’m not even sad, I actually think the whole thing is absurd, but I no longer have control over my face. I sort of dance back and forth for a while from laughing like a normal Lauren and doing the “EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE” thing and sobbing like a crazy pregnant Lauren.
This is what hysterics feels like.I realized this on Saturday and it scared me a little. It’s real. That thing that women used to catch before they learned about orgasms… it’s real.
Eventually I stopped sobbing and laughing when things stopped being funny and were just weird and sad. But for a while after the experience I find I’m very tender to any and all expression of emotion. The slightest joke, the slightest funny remark will send me right back over the edge again. I literally turn into a lunatic. It is the weirdest out of body sensation I have ever experienced and I am officially not a fan. But it’s also kind of fascinating even though I would prefer to not have it happen at all.
Have you ever had this happen to you? Have you ever seen someone else go through this? It’s super bizarre… and maybe on some level something everyone should experience once.