I have major self-fears right now that sound crazy when I say them out loud or write them down but make perfect logical sense when I am telling them to myself in my own head. They are as follows:
1.) I am lazy and am wasting time and mental space on things other than the work I should be doing in order to be successful and awesome.
2.) Being exhausted and sick and focusing only on going to work and coming home and not throwing up and eating the foods I should eat and walking when I can walk is not good enough. The successful people are the ones who feel all of these things through lots of different personal struggles and make it happen anyway.
3.) Because I can’t always make it happen anyway, I am therefore doomed to never be successful (whatever that means in my own head) and will only end up being mildly mediocre, which will be extra disappointing because I will have known that I failed only because I didn’t have enough guts to fucking do it already. Or maybe guts isn’t the right word. Focus? Energy? Ability to follow through?
I believe there are a handful of things I could be really great at in my creative, career-y, self-fulfilling world… but so much of the time I have no idea how to go about getting them. Sometimes I feel like I am on this path, and the path I am on is parallel to the path I really want to be on, and all of the interesting, creative, great things are zooming past me on the other path that I can’t figure out how to get to. I can see the great things (the opportunities, the connections, the job offers), I watch other people running for them, snatching them up and being awesome. I don’t understand how they got there, especially if on paper we all look so similar.
Does everyone seem so successful to you? Everyone seems so successful to me. Whether it’s in their own happiness, or their delightful side projects, or in their family, or in their job. I have this strange sense that everyone is going somewhere. They are all a half a step ahead of me, just to the point where I can see them clearly and sometimes it seems we are all on the same pace, but then I never can quite catch up. The feeling of almost, but not quite is making me choke with fear. I know I should be pushing harder, but for whatever reason I can’t. Why? Saying it’s because I want nothing more than to sleep on the train after work, that making dinner takes all of my energy reserves, that doing laundry is something I need a pep talk to accomplish – saying all of those truths is not a good enough answer to why. And the reason that’s not good enough, the fact that Christy Tyler pointed out “You’ve been sick for months!” and miss Jen of @pinchofthis backed her up with “MONTHS!!”, and it’s STILL not good enough… that is also a question I don’t have an answer for.
So, I wrote this instead. Because the first step is admitting, right? Hello… My name is Lauren… and I often feel like a failure. And sometimes it swallows me up on all sides so that for a little while I can’t see above it.