I was going to write this whole thing about how we saved for a work station in our dining room, had a fist full of actual cash, and then realized we couldn’t use it to buy what we wanted and instead had to do something else with the money. Something responsible because of other obligations. And how we came to that realization all by ourselves because that is the shit part of being a grownup sometimes. Sometimes realizing that you can’t do whatever the fuck you want, that you actually maybe have to be thoughtful or smart or whatever about your choices is the reality of the situation … that’s being a grownup. And it kind of sucked, and we moaned about it because we had been delighted with the idea of our work station being completed and now we won’t have one for a while.
So I was going to talk all about that. But then … this other thing happened last night, this ridiculous not at all grownup thing, and it’s all kind of perfect. Right when I’m all “blahblah responsibility and grown up actions and blahblah life isn’t always fun!” I’m reminded that being a grown up also means: breakfast for dinner, going out on a
school Wednesday night, laying in bed until noon and still feeling productive, impulse shoe purchases, showering with a boy, figuring out how to give 0 fucks and then giving all 0 of them. Sometimes the perks outweigh the drags.
Last night I woke up at 3:00 am with a gnawing nauseous hunger. This happens sometimes because the baby hates me, but it’s been a while because maybe I’m on the mend and maybe I’ve just plateaued into general and constant malaise. I woke Kamel up for toast and jam. I ate toast and jam and I felt better but I couldn’t turn my brain off to go back to sleep. I started thinking about how I weighed myself the day before and how I had jumped 5 lbs since last week and how that freaked me out. I realize, rationally, that pregnant people are supposed to gain weight but I also feel like I’m inactive and eat too many cookies and muffins for my own good and maybe the 12 lbs I’ve gained since the start of these are not wholly necessary. Well, this sort of turned into panic about how I really need to get a grip and start doing a better job, etc etc. You know how this self talk goes, “Tomorrow, no more of xyz, I really need to walk more even if I am exhausted, I just need to push myself blahblahblahblah” but we all know the reality is sometimes I just can’t do the things I wish I could. But that’s beside the point because here I was now at 4:00 am, feeling like a failure over 12 lbs which will surely balloon up to 30 lbs or more (god willing not the more bit) by the end of this whole thing.
And Kamel, poor Kamel, really just wanted to go to sleep but I wouldn’t let him with my chatter about, “I need to nip this in the bud and I can’t sleep and blahblahblah, I should be walking laps in the house right this second because I’m not even tired and I should be more active and I’m also pregnant and currently insane for even having these thoughts because who wants to get up at 3:45 am just to walk back and forth down their hallway thinking it will do anything at all for the 5 lbs they are freaked out about? Me.”
What did we end up doing?
Well of course, because we are grown ups and Kamel is the greatest sport in the history of husbands-who-are-also-good-sports, we got up, in the pitch black, and walked back and forth down our hallway. On the second lap I cried because, well, there is the whole “my body is no longer under my control wahh! And I’m not just pregnant I’m also gaining muffin weight wahh!” stuff. But we kept walking, we walked and walked and walked and then we did some kick boxing moves and then we walked some more. In the middle of the night. Because I’m totally nutso and because Kamel has my back and because…. we are grownups? I don’t think that’s why. And then eventually we went back to bed and I was a little sweaty and I felt like maybe I had accomplished something… even if that something was being a total mental head case, and we went back to sleep.
Until 5:30 am, 30 minutes before our alarm goes off, because I was super nauseous and needed a pill.
And now I would give anything to call in sick and sleep all day. But I can’t, because it’s Thursday and I have to go to work and because I’m a freaking grown up.