Things are a little shaky over at Chez Duprez at the moment. Not in the marriage department but in the motivation and life goal department. I’m feeling a little bit… um… what’s the word? Derailed. There was a lot of momentum and I was going places and I had plans and drive and and and … kablammy! I’ve been pushed off my path and I’m groping to find my way back. But I’m blind, and the trail is hard to find. Any analogy you want, I got it. We watched a documentary this weekend about independent game designers and their journey to publishing a game. It mostly dealt with successful game designers (before they knew things were going to be a hit) but talking to Kamel, who works in games, it turns out that there are hundreds of indie gamers and they only make it really really big maybe 5% of the time. Some of them make moderate money (maybe 40k?) and the rest possibly… fail. While watching this documentary I got the fear. These people are all working 100 hour weeks, sacrificing relationships and daylight in order to get their dream and their passion handled. And I start worrying: is that what it takes to succeed? But… I want a full life, I want to succeed in lots of different aspects. Only one of them is my career doing something I love and I feel good at. I also want to have time to take walks through the neighborhood with my husband and online shop with my far away friends and have a family and do fun things like travel. What happens if I don’t have what it takes to sacrifice myself for something that I really want? What if I don’t want it enough. This is where I am right now. [Insert massive sigh here]
Kamel and I are switching up our sides of the bed. We did this once before when I stopped sleeping well on the side that I picked as mine. At first I sleep amazing in my nook of nooks. But then I get to used to it? Or I lose my sweet spot? Either way I begin to flop around like a turtle on its back. We now call this phase Turtling (And no, this has nothing to do with poop, thank you urban dictionary). As in, “Dude, you were seriously turtling all night last night. That has got to stop.” Kamel sometimes turtles but mostly he does what I refer to as “Climbs the walls”. He begins pushing his pillow against the headboard with the force of his body and suddenly he is like all up there, his head and neck sort of hunched over towards is stomach and his whole body is aiming to become a big O. When I see this I poke him or push him to wake him up and then tell him to, “Scoot down, scoot scoot scoot scoot scoot,” as I fix his pillow for him. When I don’t notice or I ignore him he ends up sleeping like shit, not knowing why and then the world fucking ends. What are your sleep patterns with your partner? Do you have sides? Do you ever switch? How do you handle that shared space?
This last weekend it was really hot so everyone in our apartment zone had their windows open. This meant prime eavesdropping time. The Chinese family next to us was full on, drag out, arguing and I sat on the edge of the bed and listened to them scream at each other with key English words thrown in like, “FOUNDATION!” until they saw me and shut their window. Womp. Eavesdropping creeper fail. The new non-crazy (yet!) neighbors downstairs had their kid plus their friends come over for the weekend from college. While I was laying on the couch being unproductive I got to listen to all of their singstar song choices and yes, I did really want to be their friend. Listening to the way they talked to each other reminded me of being in college and having the tiniest stresses that I thought were major stresses. But man! To have that kind of privilege! To have the ability to think little shit (like what you’re going to do at the end of the summer) is big shit (like, oh, say… paying rent for realsies) is the BEST! And it made me wonder if every college kid talks the same, sings karaoke the same and makes “Bevmo runs” (a liquor store in CA) the same. In other news, You Know You’re An Old Person When: the kids downstairs wake me up with their benign birthday party at 11:30 and I ask Kamel what time it is to see if they are after curfew and if it’s ok for us to call the cops (in a sleepy haze, mind you!). Kamel just laughed at me and said, “No, they are just having a birthday party and that would be a massive dick move on a Saturday night. Jesus Lauren you are like 108 years old.” Touche. Party on kids, Party on.