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The Flaw

I have a major flaw (just one?!) and here it is: I expect everyone in the whole wide world who is my peer to be on my same wavelength.

Ugh. It’s so annoying because I do. It’s the truth.

I am so over that angsty time in my life, I am so over the part where friends ditch you and you try to get everyone to do the right thing, and you suffer by screaming into your pillow.

I am over the horrible bad choices in boyfriends, the impulsive mistakes (no I’m not), the oh-my-god-what-am-I-going-to-be-when-I-grow-up angsties (except now it’s: How will I achieve the things I now know I want?! HOW!? angsties).

Everyone should “get” their own issues. Everyone should “take responsibility” for their own shit. Why are you putting that on me? That is so 3 years ago in person-hood. You are obviously not up to speed. Not up to speed like I am, obviously.

Why can’t you be as awesome as me when it comes to gift giving and listening and being the perfect friend/lover/co-worker?

And all of my short comings, well… they are totally forgivable for me and for other people – we all have our own shit, am I right, ladies? But anything out of my fuck-up zone is totally your own failure. Not mine. I already conquered it. That was so 6 months ago, where have you been?

And then I throw up a little bit in my mouth because even though those are not the exact thoughts running through my head (no, my thoughts are much more convincing and much more subtle then all that), they are still the root of all my evil.

To give myself some credit I really am pretty compassionate… but sometimes I’m not. What I’m talking about is not something that’s pretty on the outside, or the inside. The judgey-ness. The superiority that sometimes pops out when it shouldn’t, even if I’m the only one who sees it. Even when I’m right.

Maybe this is why I have so much frustration with people. Maybe they’ve gotten something that I haven’t, and I’ve gotten something that they haven’t. I definitely know that I’m not perfect, so why do I expect it of others? I went through my own annoying times. I  made all the wrong choices and then made all the right ones just to make all the wrong ones again. I have been impulsive and inconsolable, unable to be convinced one way or another, stubborn, short-sighted, blind. But when other people are this way I can be dismissive, superior, maybe even cruel. Even if it’s not to their face.

I don’t think it’s good. I just know it’s honest. I think I can be better.

11 Comments

  1. Mmm hmmm. I have a similar flaw where I sometimes forget that two people can have different answers or approaches, and neither is wong. It just might be that perspectives are different. It’s a constant battle to remind myself (in some areas) that different doesn’t mean wrong. It just means different.

  2. Well, to be fair to the rest of us, you are kind of a rockstar at listening and gift giving, so the bar is set PRETTY HIGH.

  3. Mmmm…. I know it can be hard, expecting things from others. But from what I see, I think you are super extremely nice and kind and giving, and it is a difficult thing to recognize that people can be well, more reserved, or not so generous, and that does not make them “bad”, more like craftosaurus said, just different. But it is a daily struggle…

  4. That’s a flaw that I also (though I don’t so much like to admit it) share my own version of. It drives me nuts.

    I don’t like being judgy. When I notice the thoughts in my mind I cringe internally, and try practicing some compassion and empathy and make myself really think. It doesn’t ever change that the judgy thoughts come, immediately, to mind without any effort on my part, but when I’m making a habit of putting myself outside of my own situation and trying to look at things from other people’s point of views they come less often.

    It sucks though to have such a clear picture of our own flaws and feel a little powerless in fixing them.

    • Part of me likes this flaw – when I can see what’s really up with people and think “They just haven’t figured it out yet” – I like that part. But then I get impatient, and then I think “UGH! Why can’t they just GET IT TOGETHER?!” and that’s not good. I have high expectations for myself and for others. The others part is the cringe worthy part when it’s not “in the good way.”

      • I also have to remember that : what the fuck do I know? I may think I know what’s up… but that may be totally false. What is actually “up” anyways?

  5. DITTO! When does that quiet confident serenity phase of life start?

  6. My sister and I pretty much have the same superpowers (and, I suspect, the same failings). So it’s sometimes kinda cool to talk with her because we’re both like “why do other people have such a hard time giving good gifts?” and “why do people not treat their friends respectfully?” and “what is wrong with me, that I keep making friends with people who turn out to be jerks?”

    Answer: not everybody has the same background as we do, or the same approach to problems, or give certain things the same importance. Like you said.

  7. We all have different experiences. The experiences we have shape us and teach us things. And because we all have different internal workings, the takeaway from some common experiences might be different.

    To expect that everyone will be at the same point ignores these things about experiences. And perhaps this flaw of yours is indicative that there’s an experience you haven’t had yet that will teach you not to expect perfection from everyone.

    Regardless identifying flaws are the first steps to overcoming them. Being able to put this one out there will hopefully help you step back and recognize the judgements you are making for what they are and then reevaluate.

  8. I do this to people I consider my peers who aren’t: people I work with. It blows my mind when they can’t and won’t grasp basic facts conveyed in a clear and constructive manner. Or when they act like petulant children. But it’s a little bit allowable there because there is at least the expectation that people do a job. “well” is defined differently by different people but so it goes.

    I don’t with people in my personal life because I don’t expect them to “perform” to a standard.

    I do expect a minimum level of compassion, honesty, attention (ie: if someone is bleeding out, do you notice? Say yes.), and general responsiveness from friends and acquaintances who fit into one slot or the other depending on their actions. It’s a lot up to them how close I hold them. Doesn’t mean I need to hear from someone once a week to stay close, just that they are willing to be there if I really truly need them and ask me to do the same.

    As logical as it seems to me, it still comes off a bit judgy, I think, as the shifts happen. They don’t always feel natural and I’ve had to learn how to deal with things like people who were friends but fail on so many levels. And yet….

    And then too, you can find something redemptive in the company of someone you wouldn’t keep close company with on a regular basis.

    I think I’m saying I get it, and it’s a process, learning to relate to people from your experience without being a cyborg about it :)

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Who the hell is she?


Lauren

I am a writer living in Seattle and I believe that life is a grand adventure and only boring if you believe it to be. Plus! You don't need money to have fun.

I live with my husband, a photographer by education and a maker-of-video-games by trade, and a baby named gabe in an apartment on the hill.

I am romantic about most things and I cry... about almost anything. I tell stories to entertain you, I spread stories to keep you in the loop. I am not a grammar freak, but I do know how to spell it. I am exceedingly proud of my scrambled eggs and I really could eat an entire pan of cupcakes. If I met me, I would be my best friend. I tend to be irreverent.

If you would like to chat with me or see what else I'm up to you can follow me on Twitter (betterinrealife), on facebook, or email me at betterinrealife at gmail.


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