I have a major flaw (just one?!) and here it is: I expect everyone in the whole wide world who is my peer to be on my same wavelength.
Ugh. It’s so annoying because I do. It’s the truth.
I am so over that angsty time in my life, I am so over the part where friends ditch you and you try to get everyone to do the right thing, and you suffer by screaming into your pillow.
I am over the horrible bad choices in boyfriends, the impulsive mistakes (no I’m not), the oh-my-god-what-am-I-going-to-be-when-I-grow-up angsties (except now it’s: How will I achieve the things I now know I want?! HOW!? angsties).
Everyone should “get” their own issues. Everyone should “take responsibility” for their own shit. Why are you putting that on me? That is so 3 years ago in person-hood. You are obviously not up to speed. Not up to speed like I am, obviously.
Why can’t you be as awesome as me when it comes to gift giving and listening and being the perfect friend/lover/co-worker?
And all of my short comings, well… they are totally forgivable for me and for other people – we all have our own shit, am I right, ladies? But anything out of my fuck-up zone is totally your own failure. Not mine. I already conquered it. That was so 6 months ago, where have you been?
And then I throw up a little bit in my mouth because even though those are not the exact thoughts running through my head (no, my thoughts are much more convincing and much more subtle then all that), they are still the root of all my evil.
To give myself some credit I really am pretty compassionate… but sometimes I’m not. What I’m talking about is not something that’s pretty on the outside, or the inside. The judgey-ness. The superiority that sometimes pops out when it shouldn’t, even if I’m the only one who sees it. Even when I’m right.
Maybe this is why I have so much frustration with people. Maybe they’ve gotten something that I haven’t, and I’ve gotten something that they haven’t. I definitely know that I’m not perfect, so why do I expect it of others? I went through my own annoying times. I made all the wrong choices and then made all the right ones just to make all the wrong ones again. I have been impulsive and inconsolable, unable to be convinced one way or another, stubborn, short-sighted, blind. But when other people are this way I can be dismissive, superior, maybe even cruel. Even if it’s not to their face.
I don’t think it’s good. I just know it’s honest. I think I can be better.