A lot of the content on this blog comes straight from the effects of a good marriage. Adventure-ing, being able to be a total goob in front of someone else, having fights and making up, silly conversations, cuddling, adorable photos, having a buddy, blah, blah, blah and some more cutesy pootsey blah.
But even good thing suck sometimes. And last week, for the whole week, being married sucked. And here is why:
You can’t really escape each other.
As close as I am with my friends (and we are stupid amounts of close, weird amounts of close, awesome amounts of close) I am not, generally, directly touched by their moods. If they’re in a shitty mood then I don’t have to talk to them that day, I can give them space. If they decide to be grumpy and keep the world out and watch Greys Anatomy and sob in an entire box of kleenex that doesn’t keep me from basking in my own sunshine in my own little happy land.
But when Kamel is hating the world, or hasn’t gotten enough sleep, or has just decided to be an ass hole for a day… I can’t escape it. It doesn’t even have to do with being in any sort of physical space with him, I could go for a walk or have dinner with friends, and yet… he’s still there. I am tied to him in a way that is unique, and frustrating. How does one person have so much power over how I feel and what I do and how my day runs its course? It’s so unfair! When we talk about “sharing our life” it doesn’t mean only the good parts, it also doesn’t mean all of the good parts AND all of the mutually shitty parts. Sometimes we share the parts where the other person is being a dick, and I have to be the one who puts up with it and grits my teeth because… sometimes we’re all ass holes, and sometimes we all go through things that make us ass holes, even me.
But it doesn’t mean it doesn’t suck. It sucks. And I hate it and sometimes I resent him for it. I say things like, “You are RUINING MY DAY!!” or, “Why are you being such a dick? You’re making me hate you right now.” And I don’t want to hate him. I want the parts where he makes me laugh so hard I pee my pants a little. Or the parts where we are just quiet together and everything is as it should be while we move together in the same space as separate people. I don’t want the parts where I wake up like the happiest person on the planet and am forced to deal with a grumpy, immature jerkface. The guy who throws a little tantrum and stamps his foot in Target. The guy who melts down over making a decision – where both choices either don’t matter or are both good things. And I’m left to move us along, to try and make the best of it, to sooth even though there is nothing to soothe because nothing I say fixes. Because this is his world and I’m just living in it.
Last week was like that because he was freaked out about the balloon. He was uncomfortable and anxious and mad at me for getting him into this situation where he was now uncomfortable and anxious. But it wasn’t clear and I didn’t understand. All of it came off as just… obnoxious and negative.
But then he didn’t die in the balloon, and he actually kind of thought it was a little bit amazing. And he stopped being so mad and uncomfortable and started loving me again and all was well. But I had a shitty week when I could have been having a totally normal week because I’m married and I have this other person tethered to me. And sometimes I guess that’s how it works, even if I think it’s stupid and unfair.