It’s frustrating to be the kind of person who is rarely satisfied with their career. I wish, so much, that I could find a nice job and show up every day and come home and have it be enough. I envy the people who have found it and who can rock that life.
I have never had a job that satisfied me. Not ever. And that is an exhausting feeling.
Yesterday at work I realized: This is not enough. And it crushed me with panic for a little while because I thought that I could get at least a year or two before this feeling set in. I really did.
And the only way to fix this dilemma? I have to work harder. There are some major, major projects that I want to focus on. They are so large they’re going to take more than just me to see them into completion. But to get to the place where that is even possibly means that I have to spend my time after work and on the weekends working for me. Again. It means I need to continue to have really great content here so that I can keep you all coming back and entice some new people to tag along. It means another redesign (happening shortly), it means spending not just my time, but my own money financing the roots of these major projects.
It means I can’t come home and lounge around anymore. It means I have to chase it again. Chase and hustle. And I really wish I didn’t have to. I wish it was easy. None of that, “It’s the challenge that’s exciting!” No. The challenge is hard and exhausting and beats you down and doesn’t care about you. The reward is not the challenge, the reward is being able to make something for myself and share it with a bunch of people, to do what I think I’m really good at (probably the only thing I’m really good at) and maybe have that be what I spend 8+ hours a day doing. Instead of other things.
Things are changing because they have to change, but a lot is also staying the same because we need the money, the stepping stones, the safety net. So, I’ll work harder and I’ll take the scrapes of rejection, and the late bed times, and having to say no to social activities in stride, because this whole thing I’ve got going on right now? It’s not working for me. And it’s up to me to change it.