I’ve Never Been Cool

I guess this is the week where I admit to you all of the parts of me that I’m secretly embarrassed by, huh? Oh well. You were bound to find out sooner or later. I have something to admit, besides the fact that I’ve never been cool.

I actually really like my husband.

There. I said it. There is no punch line. Every single day (unless he is annoying me, and this does happen on the regular) I look forward to coming home from work to hang out with Kamel. I am actively excited. I look for him waiting for me on the train platform and then I hurry and gather all of my things, often in a disheveled, sweaty, frenzy and trip down the stairs to get to him as fast as I can. Usually he greets me with a, “Lorna!” and we walk home or to the car and most of the time he brings me a snack.

When Kamel went away on business last week I did not like it. I liked that he was having fun and that he was doing well and meetings tons of new people. But I hated being home by myself. Some people love this. Some people greatly enjoy a little peace and quiet. And it’s totally ok. I am not better than those people and my marriage isn’t better than their marriages or their relationships. I just really like hanging out and being around my husband. If I could have taken-him-or-left-him, if it didn’t matter to me whether or not he was home, then I don’t think I would have married him. For me, there’s no point in this whole marriage business unless I really love – LOVE – being around my partner.

I feel like there is this weird double standard with marriage and I don’t like it. At first we marry for insatiable love, for fairy tale shit. Right? Soul mates and floating hearts and we declare it all in front of a big room full of everyone who we’ve ever loved enough to invite to a party. And then, after the wedding, when everyone has stopped caring about the centerpieces, in order to be cool we have to be all nonchalant about our partner being away. We have to be all, “Phew! Thank god the ball and chain is outta here! Now I can have some me time!” When I was in Michigan for work for 2 weeks, a lot of Kamel’s people were like “aww yeah, the wife is gone! What are you going to do? What are you going to do?” and Kamel would tell them, “Play video games and watch movies.” Which he did to his little hearts content. But guess what? He was also kind of a mess. He was lonely and he hated that I was gone and not being around for 2 week wasn’t cool at all, it sucked for him. And it sucks for me too!

But it’s not cool to say, it makes you look weak. People say you shouldn’t be so attached, they say your husband shouldn’t be your best friend, they say you should always be ok with just you because… because, “you come into this world alone and you leave this world alone.” But I think that’s all bullshit. No one comes into this world alone. When you’re born there’s always a room full of people cheering you on, or at least 1 really exhausted person willing you to get the fuck out of there. And when you die, if you’re lucky, if I’m lucky… we’ll all have people there to hold our hand and tell us it’s ok and that they love us and that everything will be alright.

Being alone is awesome. Being confident and savvy and knowing what you want and running out into the world and grabbing it is important. Being in a relationship because you’re afraid of not being in one is pretty much the most uncool thing ever. But I think life is about relationships we make, including the one we have with our self.

And while we’re all here and on this topic… why is it ok for a guy to be all, “Yeah, I can’t go out tonight because of the wife. You know how it is.” (Barf) But a lady can’t say, “Actually my husband would prefer if I didn’t go out tonight. He really needs me to just hang out at home with him.” Is this just me? Am I off my rocker here? I am irrationally freaked out to admit that sometimes I say no to possible plans because Kamel wants me to say no. I have a really hard time admitting that. I mean, I’m pretty sure I’ve NEVER admitted that. And I most certainly have NEVER said, “Yeah, my husband really needs me to stay home tonight. Sorry!” But I’m positive that Kamel has said, “Sorry, I gotta go. I gotta get home to Lauren.”

Why is it so taboo to admit that your husband (and yes, I’m gendering here because I think this is a gender issue) actually does have input and say in his wife’s activities? I certainly have say in Kamel’s. My gut says it has something to do with not wanting to be seen as “owned” or “dominated” but I really wish that kind of thinking would go away. There is a partnership that happens when you decide to spend the rest of your life with them. There’s a give and take and a lot of compromise. Your life is no longer your very own life because you share it now.

And I’m really not that cool. And I really like my husband.

46 thoughts on “I’ve Never Been Cool”

  1. I just spent four days away from mine. I really missed him and was so excited to see him when I got home. He was going on a backpacking trip, so I quickly found something for me to do while he was away. I didn’t want to be home alone without him, so I distracted myself visiting a cousin in Wisconsin. The copious amounts of cheese and two little doggies helped a bit.

  2. Oh I totally feel you. I look forward to the end of the day when I can hang out with Mark, and whenever I am home before him we have this game where I run to the door as soon as I hear him as fast as I can all the way slipping in the floor…
    This post was mostly very sweet , nothing to do with being cool, actually I think you are super cool for saying it out loud πŸ™‚

  3. Oh, I hate it too, being away from one another for weeks at a time…
    It’s not that we do transcendental stuff when we’re together: mostly, we just hang around, work on our computers or watch tv; but we do it together and it just feels empty doing it alone. That’s part of the partnership, doing nothing together; and liking it. Isn’t it?

  4. My guess regarding why it is okay for a man to say: “Gotta go, the wife wants me.” but not for a woman to say the same about her husband is the gender stereotype that women want commitment more than men.

    If a man says he goes home for his wife, he will often be portrayed as the competent force without whom the woman is not willing/ able to function (although he may also be called “pussywhipped”, depending on the audience).

    A woman who goes home to her husband, however, apparently has a husband who *ahem* needs her. And since sexism still dictates that men are emotionally unavailable cave dwellers who value their beer over everything else, a man who would like to spend time with his wife is immediately “not-manly”, which makes it harder for the man to admit that, yes, he would like to be home with his wife (because she’s awesome). It also makes the woman less likely to admit to anyone that he wants her home because if the guy is not immediately stereotyped as an insecure and controlling man, he is certainly a wuss for not enjoying all the alone time he can get.

    Just a theory, though.

    1. that “whipped” term was always just a poor joke to me. It never meant anything, other than a reminder of poorly educated folks who think it’s funny. The “brahs” if you will.

      If someone ever told me that, I’d just assume they are part of that crowd, which I rather not associate with. I also don’t think the term is true, since a good relationship means you’re both on the same team.

      1. I don’t like the term either, and (maybe I didn’t make that clear?) neither do I believe the stereotype holds true. However, I do think that the “whipped” stereotype exists in some people’s minds.

        I’m not sure if people who hold to that stereotype are necessarily uneducated. I usually attribute it to not having experience with a relationship in which people are equals and in which they are, as you say, on the same team.

  5. Awww. This is super sweet. And I completely understand! I miss Lindi when I am just away during the weekdays for work, let alone when we have to be ACTUALLY apart for more than a day or two. She’s totally my best friend and the person I want to hang out with more than anyone else. Sometimes we wonder if this means we are a little codependent, but… it works out well for us. We still do things separately sometimes and have some separate friends, but honestly, I just want her involved in most of what I spend my time doing because she is pretty awesome.

  6. I love this post! I feel the same way about my husband. I love spending time with him, and he loves spending time with me. There are definitely times that I have turned down invitations because the thought of spending time with my husband was so much more enticing. I do however crave some alone time once in a while. But when I say alone time I actually mean “alone time to watch awful television and lay around on the couch with my puppies”. If I take a day off from work to lounge around and collect myself I’m always super happy when he gets home. He makes my days brighter, and makes my life richer. Even the lounging around on the couch part. Which is awesome πŸ™‚

  7. I really like my husband, too, but I am someone who sometimes needs time to myself. Not a lot and not all the time, but just some time to decompress and stare at the internet, (window)shop, or go have lunch sometimes. Yes, I enjoy meals by myself sometimes.

    I don’t have a theory about the gender issue, but I do feel it. I feel it sometimes from a gender perspective and sometimes from a Brad-is-less-social-than-I-am perspective. He is very much a homebody and would be happy with just the two of us forever and I enjoy double dates and social settings. So, we deal with that and it’s hard. I really appreciate that you talk about all the hard stuff. You are pretty cool, and I only know you on the internet. πŸ™‚

    1. Thank you for saying that you feel it too. It’s like an unspoken pressure to be MY OWN WOMAN. In all caps. Except, I am my own woman and I am a partner. I’m all the things, at the same time.

      1. I force myself to be honest when I’m turning down plans because of John, but I really have to force myself to be honest. And I hate saying it and think about how it makes me look when I know I otherwise come across as strong and independent. But that’s why I also I force myself to be honest, to show that I can seem strong and independent and still prioritize spending time 1:1 with my man.

    2. Meals by yourself! I used to go out to solo lunches/dinners a lot when I was in university. I miss it, which clearly means I should dine solo more often.

  8. i also look forward to the end of the day, to spend time with my husband. i genuinely enjoy his company, even when all we are doing is sharing the same space.

    i also enjoy some alone time–but not really 2 weeks! more like, go out with your friends for an evening, while i enjoy watching endless hours of bravo, doing my nails and talking on the phone. πŸ™‚

    i’d never spent any time thinking about the why, but i’ve definitively observed that while my husband can easily say, no, i have to stay/go home/leave early because of [whatever reason involving me], it is perceived differently if i make a similar comment. like he is trying to control my actions, or he is incompetent and cannot take care of himself (like if i were to go home to have dinner with him).

    1. I definitely need quiet time. I mean, I write and Kamel needs to not talk to me or be loud. It happens. But I enjoy having him just hanging around with head phones on or whatever. We do very well being alone together…

      And being alone, in general, or going out with friends just me is also awesome! But I just really like and look forward to having my buddy around. πŸ™‚ I can’t help it.

  9. Yes! I like that you like your husband.

    I like my fiance, and that’s why I’m marrying him. I’d rather spend my time with him than with anyone else or by myself. I love when we have our space from each other – when one of us goes off and does our own thing for an evening or the day – but I hate when he’s gone longer. He goes on a solo vacation to stalk animals once or twice a year and I spend the entire time going nuts.

    I have to say I’ve definitely told people I couldn’t do something because I wanted/needed to spend time with Bunny instead.

  10. Thank you for writing this! Why is it not ok to say that you’re happily married! It’s so stupid.

    My husband is my favourite person and it’s so weird that other people don’t get it. My brother-in-law never understands when Tom says he can’t go away for the weekend because he wants to see me.

  11. Like you indicated, I think there is such a long history of men controlling their wives that we sort of enjoy it when the roles are reversed as a rebellion against that old, oppressive history. When the roles are reversed and you tell people that Kamel wants you home, it looks uncomfortably like that old, oppressive history.

      1. It totally does for sure. But I don’t like that, I want to shake it off. Because – I’m not living in that old oppressive history, not in my house at least. And when we’re talking equality, it means all the way around. Not lady domination.

        1. I think it’s more difficult than that, in some respects. Because when men say “Oh, no, gotta go home and get to my wife” I feel like there is a lot of underlying stuff there that can be damaging to women.

          To me it goes along with the (ridiculous) stereotypes that women are nags, and controlling, and that men are somehow constrained by their wives and marriages. It fits right there along with the narratives that tell men that their wives are “balls and chains” and that getting married will make them miserable.

          1. Yes, this! I have such weird feelings when my husband asks me if it’s okay for him to stay up & play video games after I go to bed (we like each other, as well, and almost always go to bed at the same time). I’m really uncomfortable feeling like he’s asking my permission to play, and feel like I can either “give” my “permission,” or look like a nagging wife. (Which is a helluva choice.) I’ve tried explaining this to him, but I think I’m not quite articulating it right. Also, I think that for me, because the rest of our lives looks SO traditional/stereotypical (stay at home mom living in the suburbs), I am especially fearful of looking like “the nagging wife.”

          2. (This is in reply to Colleen but I can’t reply anymore. wah!)

            Kamel used to ask me permission for LOTS of things and it used to drive me CRAZY and embarrass me when he did it in public. Because it looked like I was the kind of person who NEEDED him to ask permission which was so so so not the case. I still have to remind him, “I’m not your mother, Kamel!” every once in a while. And likewise, when he is trying to “parent” me or gets overbearing at times I remind me, “Nobody wants to fuck their father. You just keep that in mind…”

  12. I do sometimes need alone time (mostly to get work/writing done), but I come home earlier than Roger from work and he has class twice a week, so that pretty much covers it for me. We spent so much time apart for the first six years of our relationship that I think we’re making up for lost time now.

    While we were long distance, I had a conversation with my father, where I said, “Well, if we got married, and he wanted to go to one place for vacation and I wanted to go to another one, we could just go on separate vacations.” And it seemed really reasonable to me then. Now that we live together, though, and I understand what my father meant when he said, “You could, but that probably isn’t a good sign. When you’re working, you see each other so little that you should really want to spend your free time together.” At that point, the idea of even seeing each other for an hour a day seemed so appealing, that I couldn’t imagine wanting more. Now, the five hours a day we see each other every night before going to bed (and all day on weekends!) really doesn’t feel like enough, so I completely understand where you’re coming from.

  13. I totally agree. I like people who like their significant other. And those who get exasperated and need their space. I’m a mix of the two, so I like it all. πŸ™‚ But I respect you more if you find a way to continue to like the person you were all goo-goo for.

    I feel like there’s an aspect of “that little woman! I have to go coddle her!” in men saying they can’t go out. I say it sometimes about Carson, but I’m always careful to not feel dominated by him, not use it too much with one person, and to not make it seem like he’s wimpy. I usually say “I haven’t seen my partner much lately, and we want to spend time together.” It feels more equal to me. I think/hope that C does this too.

  14. I have to go to Boston next week and I am dreading leaving the husband. I just LOVE spending my time with him. I think he’s hilarious. He thinks I’m hilarious. It’s a very symbiotic relationship. (We realized we thing the other is funny because we’ve slowly morphed into the same person in terms of our jokes. We make the exact same jokes as the other person.)

  15. Even when Josh and I are totally annoyed at each other, when one of us goes away we’re both miserable. One time in a fight right before I was leaving I said (mostly because I knew it would hurt his feelings), “God I can’t wait to get away from you for a week!!!!” (I know I know. I am the worst). As soon as I said it I immediately took it back because it was SO incredibly not true. (I definitely win for jerk of the year award) As someone who prides herself so much on independence and “I’m in control of every aspect of my life and I don’t need no man to make me feel ANYTHING” admitting that I like Josh and would sometimes/most-times would rather spend time with HIM seems… well… anti-feminist…?!? Which it’s totes not, but feelings are feelings regardless of truth. As usual, Lauren, you hit the nail on the head :).

  16. I love this post SO MUCH!!!!! I know exactly how you feel about Kamel because I feel the same exact way about Chad. I get so excited when i answer the phone at work and its HIM! And when I come home in the evenings that he’s home, I run up the stairs as fast as I can and say BAAABBBBEEEEEEE!!!! When we used to work together….and live together and commute together. We were together literally 24/7 and people would ask us ALL THE TIME: How do you do that?? How do you put up with each other/get along when youre with each other all the time? I could NEVER do that with my Husband. And our response would always be ‘because we get along so well, we are compatible, we enjoy each others company’. It makes me sad that people are marrying people they couldnt even imagine being around all the time. And I think that we are all lucky to have found such an amazing person to spend our lives with, whether it be 24/7 or not. Apparently its a rare find these days! Im so happy you found yours πŸ™‚

    1. Oh and PS…we find that we gravitate toward our friends who also like each other as much as we do, as far as hanging out. Because it sucks hanging out with couples who bicker and then its awkward silences all through dinner. Just a random thought I wanted to share. Haha.

  17. I always think I want more free time so I can play games, watch movies and do my own thing. But when I do get that free time I end up being a total mess. Why? Because, I like sharing those experiences with Lauren. So I don’t play Uncharted 3, because I like it better when she is sitting next to me for example. Though other things, like my massive Pawn Stars addiction, I do by myself. But then I can’t help but share the fun stories seen in that show with her. Even though she doesnt care, I still try. Cos she’s my buddy =)

    1. My husband LOVES Pawn Stars…I don’t get it. lol But he definitely tries to share all cool things he sees on there! Have you ever watched Pickers? He likes that one too πŸ˜‰

        1. Side note – my husband and I were on vacation 2 years ago and caught a marathon of Pawn Stars. We instantly fell in love with the show because it reminded us of Antiques Road Show (don’t judge us!). And honestly, the ridiculousness of Chumlee makes me laugh and laugh.

  18. I think this is SO SO interesting. I loved the responses and the different experiences everyon has had or is having. I think its all about compromise. Like some people said, some partners have more/less social inclinations, and some people need time alone. So partnerships work bc people acknowledge and work with the differences and also their identities as couples. But I think its mainly about not putting ourselves into one or the other extreme. Women (and men) are complicated and partnerships are too. There doesnt need to be this “I’m my own woman/men” OR “I go home for my husband or he goes home for me” kind of attitude. Being forced to be at either extreme is just plain silly πŸ™‚ And saying freely that you love someone and want to be around them because you MARRIED them should be something we are proud of. The idea that men say those kind of things makes me so angry, and also incredibly embarassed (if I can be honest) for their wives, like uncomfortable to the point of not wanting to be around people like that. that kind of awkward is something I cant handle!

  19. I love this post! And I like my husband like crazy! I get embarassed sometimes at how excited I am everytime I hear the garage open and know he’s finally home! I feel like people look at me funny when I say “I’d rather stay home with him than go out to a bar” because it’s true. But I also enjoy that 30 min I get everyday before he gets home. I get to do me stuff, watch my shows, and just chill. I think it’s a balance to keep yourself sane (because we all have those annoying habits that just irk the other one!!)
    As for the gender thing, I get seriously annoyed when Mike’s friends make rude “wife” comments. Just because he likes to hang out with me or “checks in” before he makes plans doesn’t make him “whipped.” And we are considerate of the other one when making plans. Communication is key in a marriage so I say, don’t knock it! I’ve actually found that men get more grief from friends when they choose to hang out with their wife than vice versa. Men just care less what other people think. We are more sensitive to the comments. Just my experience…

  20. I just had to pipe up because this is very topical to my life right now. My hubs and I just spent basically all of a month apart (except for 4 days, two of which were with other family) because of crazy travel schedules. And sure we did great things on our trips, and we talked a lot and missed each other, and then we were SO HAPPY to be back together when it was over. Then, on Sunday night – at the end of our first weekend together in a month – he said something insightful referencing a funny conversation we’d had the day before and I just started crying and had to tell him how much I love being around him for a continuous amount of time (vs. an hour on the phone each day). Because that’s how our relationship functions – it’s an ongoing conversation that requires time together to operate the way it’s supposed to. And when we have that time, then it’s funny and sweet and honest and real and meaningful… and so the more time the better. Except for those occasional me time experiences. But I need those far less than I need the ongoing companionship of my main man!

    1. Aw I love this! Its like you dont realize how much you crave that ongoing companionship time together until its gone, and then you get it back again. I totally know the feeling. When my hubs and I went from being on the same schedule, working at the same place, to being on opposite schedules, i would cry when Sunday nights came, knowing I wouldnt have that ongoing time with him until the weekend again.

  21. Something that really stands out to me is, I was on my first trip away from my husband (Then long time boyfriend). We missed the hell out of each other, so I was on the phone with him whenever I got a chance. Come to find out one of the women I was with was expressing concern about how controlling and domineering he was “making” me check in with him all the time. No matter what I told her, she refused to think I could actually miss him that much.

    I love hanging out with my husband, and he loves hanging out with me. We just feed our happy off of being near each other. But we have VERY different interests, and like pursuing them. We tried doing it together, but a lot of his stuff bores the crap out of me, and my stuff makes him swear under his breath. So we have different things (Not because we’re SUPPOSED to, we’re just really different people.)

    But we don’t really “ask permission” to do stuff as much as notify each other open endedly. Instead of “Can I go to the bar this week?”, he’ll say “Hey are we doing anything Tuesday? Bob wanted to hang out.” Leaving me room to say “You forgot about or organic macramΓ© class.” or “Nope, go ahead and have fun.”

    He didn’t have friends for awhile, and now that he does, he gets invites to go out 3-4 times a week. As OK as I am with us doing our own thing I kind of got resentful of him spending so much time away from me. (“I am your WIFE! I’m the greatest good you’re EVER gonna get!”) So we talked and now he gets one night a week with the boys, except for special occasions (Like invites to music concerts, sports games, etc). It’s respectful of our time together without being uber controlling. If I ever get local friends, it’ll be the same πŸ˜›

  22. Yet another post that I just want to say YES! THIS! to. I am so happy to see both you and this morning’s APW post own the fact that not all of us are cool cucumbers when our significant others are far away. I went away for a semester when the now-husband and I were dating and it did. not. go. well. It’s still a little hard to admit that going abroad was not a super great experience for me because I missed him so much I was miserable most of the time. It’s not really the standard line on going abroad. But I try to be honest about it, because you are right that society loves a good head over heels in love story but then turns around and scolds when you like spending time with your person or feel sad when they’re gone.

    The other interesting thing about this is that I think that in the U.S. we often look down at decisions made because of relationships. If you stay home to take care of your siblings instead of going away to college, or if you don’t take that job across the country because you like living near your grandma, or if you choose not to go out to that cool party because you want to hang out at home with your spouse instead. These are all seen as lesser-than choices. Which is dumb.

    This is not the most high-brow of references, but I always think about the line from the Notebook (the book itself) where Noah says that he hasn’t done anything that history will remember but he has loved another with all his heart, and that that is enough. I love that line.

    1. I totally agree with your 2nd paragraph. My husband works for a small tech company in the Midwest, very near where he grew up and where the vast, vast majority of his mother’s extended family lives. His dad often mentions that my husband should go work for a big tech company elsewhere (and make more money, and not be constantly on-call), but there is a lot to be said for being near family. It’s pressure he’s gotten from his dad, along with one of his best friends from college, and staying here is definitely seen by some as a “lesser than” choice.

  23. Wow, I LOVE this post, and the comments! This is such an interesting thing.

    I definitely turn down a lot more social stuff than I would if I were single, or if I were dating someone else who was super-social… but I don’t turn it down because Alex wants me home, I turn it down because I love hanging out with him at home and being goofy and doing our things that we do when we’re at home SO MUCH MORE than I like being out drinking or partying or seeing my friends. And I mean, I love my friends, and I’m a very social person. But my husband is my #1 favourite person, with a bullet, 110% of the time. I don’t usually say “no I can’t make it, because Alex wants me home” – because I haven’t even asked him! (If I did, he’d say “no, you have fun and go out!”) I choose to stay home often instead of going out because for me, most of the time, I see that decision as me prioritising the most important thing in my life: my marriage.

    We also, though, have the flip side, which is that Alex travels a lot for work. Sometimes it’ll be 6 months with no travel, but sometimes it’ll be 6 weeks in a row where he’s away every week except the weekends (and then exhausted on the weekends). I usually love the first day or two of solo time, doing all “my things” (watching Bones and eating salads with no carbs) and then I miss him like crazy. I go out a lot more when he’s away, and I’m reminded of how I don’t actually prefer it to staying home with him, at all. I think that the missing him, and the intermittent reminder of what things are like when he’s not around (the phone is not our friend, so we don’t talk heaps when he’s away) really helps to keep our marriage strong. Because I don’t wind up taking him for granted.

    And I think that a lot of what you say about how people aren’t supposed to be crazy about their spouses once they’re married – it’s definitely about the feministy and historical stuff people have touched on, but I think it may also be a little bit about the idea that they’re supposed to be part of the furniture now, you’re almost supposed to take them for granted. I think that is absolute bullshit. You should expect them to be there, but *never* take them for granted! I never want to take Alex for granted, anyway πŸ™‚

  24. I really identify with this post. Sometimes the “you shouldn’t be best friends with your partner” people leave me feeling like there’s something wrong with my relationship with my husband, like we’re codependent or unstable or something. When really, I married him because I finally found somebody I wanted to hang out with MORE than my best girlfriends and roommates.

    Also, that’s a good observation about the gender divide when it comes to fessing up that you want to do something (or don’t want to do something) because of your partner. I’ve found that I can say I’m going home because my husband wants me/needs me there without incurring too much judgment when he’s sick or injured, and that’s about it. Sometimes I find myself using that as an excuse even when it’s not true. I’m not about to start owning up to the fact that my husband influences what I do, though, even now that you’ve pointed out the problem with the fact that I don’t. I can’t get past the fact of how it sounds.

  25. I’m not sure it’s a matter of “liking” your partner so much as each couple’s individual scale of prioritizing together time, outside friend time, alone time, etc., and I think all people (and all couples) have a different ideal balance for that. I like my partner more than pretty much anyone else, but I’m both a huge extrovert and someone who needs copious amounts of time by myself, so even if my partner is my best friend and the person I want to spend time with more than any other person, I get incredibly out of whack if our together time isn’t also balanced out with time spent doing other things with other people (and by myself). I travel for work all the time and I love it–of course I miss him, and usually wish he were with me so we can experience all the awesomeness of travel together, but I like having some time apart to make the time we do spend together a little more special. Plus then I have more stories to tell, and I love telling elaborate stories with lots of over-the-top hand gestures.

    I do think it’s awful that people feel outside judgement on how their relationship functions. I am a firm believer in what works for you, works for you, and it’s no one else’s business (barring very clear cut cases of abuse). Do what makes you happy, man.

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