I guess this is the week where I admit to you all of the parts of me that I’m secretly embarrassed by, huh? Oh well. You were bound to find out sooner or later. I have something to admit, besides the fact that I’ve never been cool.
I actually really like my husband.
There. I said it. There is no punch line. Every single day (unless he is annoying me, and this does happen on the regular) I look forward to coming home from work to hang out with Kamel. I am actively excited. I look for him waiting for me on the train platform and then I hurry and gather all of my things, often in a disheveled, sweaty, frenzy and trip down the stairs to get to him as fast as I can. Usually he greets me with a, “Lorna!” and we walk home or to the car and most of the time he brings me a snack.
When Kamel went away on business last week I did not like it. I liked that he was having fun and that he was doing well and meetings tons of new people. But I hated being home by myself. Some people love this. Some people greatly enjoy a little peace and quiet. And it’s totally ok. I am not better than those people and my marriage isn’t better than their marriages or their relationships. I just really like hanging out and being around my husband. If I could have taken-him-or-left-him, if it didn’t matter to me whether or not he was home, then I don’t think I would have married him. For me, there’s no point in this whole marriage business unless I really love – LOVE – being around my partner.
I feel like there is this weird double standard with marriage and I don’t like it. At first we marry for insatiable love, for fairy tale shit. Right? Soul mates and floating hearts and we declare it all in front of a big room full of everyone who we’ve ever loved enough to invite to a party. And then, after the wedding, when everyone has stopped caring about the centerpieces, in order to be cool we have to be all nonchalant about our partner being away. We have to be all, “Phew! Thank god the ball and chain is outta here! Now I can have some me time!” When I was in Michigan for work for 2 weeks, a lot of Kamel’s people were like “aww yeah, the wife is gone! What are you going to do? What are you going to do?” and Kamel would tell them, “Play video games and watch movies.” Which he did to his little hearts content. But guess what? He was also kind of a mess. He was lonely and he hated that I was gone and not being around for 2 week wasn’t cool at all, it sucked for him. And it sucks for me too!
But it’s not cool to say, it makes you look weak. People say you shouldn’t be so attached, they say your husband shouldn’t be your best friend, they say you should always be ok with just you because… because, “you come into this world alone and you leave this world alone.” But I think that’s all bullshit. No one comes into this world alone. When you’re born there’s always a room full of people cheering you on, or at least 1 really exhausted person willing you to get the fuck out of there. And when you die, if you’re lucky, if I’m lucky… we’ll all have people there to hold our hand and tell us it’s ok and that they love us and that everything will be alright.
Being alone is awesome. Being confident and savvy and knowing what you want and running out into the world and grabbing it is important. Being in a relationship because you’re afraid of not being in one is pretty much the most uncool thing ever. But I think life is about relationships we make, including the one we have with our self.
And while we’re all here and on this topic… why is it ok for a guy to be all, “Yeah, I can’t go out tonight because of the wife. You know how it is.” (Barf) But a lady can’t say, “Actually my husband would prefer if I didn’t go out tonight. He really needs me to just hang out at home with him.” Is this just me? Am I off my rocker here? I am irrationally freaked out to admit that sometimes I say no to possible plans because Kamel wants me to say no. I have a really hard time admitting that. I mean, I’m pretty sure I’ve NEVER admitted that. And I most certainly have NEVER said, “Yeah, my husband really needs me to stay home tonight. Sorry!” But I’m positive that Kamel has said, “Sorry, I gotta go. I gotta get home to Lauren.”
Why is it so taboo to admit that your husband (and yes, I’m gendering here because I think this is a gender issue) actually does have input and say in his wife’s activities? I certainly have say in Kamel’s. My gut says it has something to do with not wanting to be seen as “owned” or “dominated” but I really wish that kind of thinking would go away. There is a partnership that happens when you decide to spend the rest of your life with them. There’s a give and take and a lot of compromise. Your life is no longer your very own life because you share it now.
And I’m really not that cool. And I really like my husband.