Saturday Edition: Get Off My Lawn!

Hey look! This is something new! A post on a Saturday?! Why yes, indeed, it is! The Saturday Edition is a post written by Kamel, about anything and all things. Even I am not entirely sure what most of these are about. Get ready…

Yesterday I was at the Apple Store in the nearby mall completing a weeklong exchange that spawned completely thanks to Dr Dre’s minions being totally rude to me. Therefore requiring me to go scam them back in order to get what I wanted. It’s a long story, for maybe another time…

Anywho, while waiting to get help at the Apple store, I noticed this group of five 12-13 year old boys come into the store. They were wearing the typical baggy pants, oversized sportsball jackets with matching sportsball hats. They had mussy, goobery “I don’t care but I really do” hair and they totally looked like they were up to no good. No good at all.

They snuck (or at least thought they snuck) past the greeter and went straight for the iPhones on display near me. Two of them went over to one iPhone behind me against the wall and another one (who barely had the pre-teen greasy mustache) went to an iPhone in front of me on center the island.

The mustachioed one proceeded to pull out his own iPhone (which was cracked of course) and began tapping along at it, while discreetly holding the store’s iPhone. He then looked over his shoulder to his buddies and gave them a nod. His buddies proceeded to each grab a display iPhone and began tapping away.

Now at this point I was already thinking the worst. These idiots think they are being all gangsta and slick, but I totally see them, and I bet you everyone in the store did too. They are up to NO GOOD (no good, I say!), and I would have bet money that in about two seconds they were going to steal the iPhones. “Where are their parents?!” I thought. They should be doing their homework! GAHHH! (Lauren Edit: Oh my god we are old people. We are SO OLD… goddamn kids!)

So, I creep closer to them, not wanting them to get away with their hijinks, and as i stand there quietly judging them I see that the goober with the facial hair in front of me is actually launching some sort of “Yu-gi-oh / Pokemon-y” App on his iPhone, while stealthily installing said game on the store’s iPhone. He looks over both shoulders, first his left then his right, and then to his buddies behind me and gives them “the sign.” They too proceed to download said App to their phone and all launch it at once.

I then realize that they are using the store iPhones to create fake accounts for their little tamagotchis or whatever and are using these fake accounts to send their own personal phones friend requests! Once they did this, they all looked around, cos you know they are being such BADASSES! And then they start to send each other fake diamonds via the apps to their own phones. OMG DIAMOND HEIST!

They are now moving super quickly, like little pre-teen Thomas Crowns and going from store display iPhone to iPhone, getting as much virtual shwag as possible. I bet they felt the rush doing this. Little did they know that NO ONE CARES if you do this. This isn’t illegal and they’re just posers with their ghetto mall clothes and secret looks and nods. I wanted to yell at them to, “Just be normal and do whatever! Or go home and do your homework!” But of course, they wouldn’t have listened to me anyway.

It was at that moment I realized – no re-affirmed – that I have become a cranky old man and I need these kids to get off my lawn! But at the same time, I was a tad relieved they didn’t actually steal the phones and instead were doing something innocent (in a a totally goober boy shady looking way).

They wrapped up their activity, deleted the apps off the store phones, and suspiciously walked out of the store, like the tough guys they are not. Once in the clear, they ran away, high-fiving each other and laughing with their broken, still developing vocal cords.

I’m such an old man.

9 thoughts on “Saturday Edition: Get Off My Lawn!”

  1. This is one of our funniest gall dang stories yet ( said in that old man way). Mom and I are here reading out loud and laughing till our sides hurt. Damn Lauren, you need to find a friend that is like 20 or something so that you don’t go down this Old Person path too soon. Love you tons. DB

      1. OOPS. I didn’t read the “Saturday with Kamel” header. Just my poor ability to move past the information and read the stories. It was such a highlight and Thanks Kamel for sharing. Very Funny.

  2. SUCH an old man. And that’s why we all love you, Kamel. Just embrace it. Crotchety can be endearing, usually not until your at least 65, but if anybody can rock it, you can.

  3. Oh, I have these “OMG I’m Old” moments all the time. Who knew 28 was old? (although I started having these moments around 22ish probably…*sigh*)

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