I am struggling with patience. And not the kind where I want time to go on and hurry up. The kind involving people. And I hate that! I think the quality of relationships and if you’re being remembered and thought of ebbs and flows. I definitely think there are times when you have more friends than others. There are times when you are rocking the social world and times where you are on your own path, chugging along, with very few people waving flags and cheering you on. Sometimes the people you are used to depending on, the people you would bend over backwards for, just aren’t there. Sometimes it’s really overwhelming and I feel wronged by the entire world. Sometimes this is true and sometimes it’s not. For the last few weeks I’ve been feeling like it’s true.
And I hate it.
Because I wish I didn’t care and that it didn’t matter. I wish people didn’t have the ability to make me cry into my pillow, I wish that give and take was always equal, I wish that I didn’t hate to say No so much and that maybe saying No more would protect me from hurt feelings like a brick wall, but it probably wouldn’t.
And it’s probably my own fault. I have expectations for people that end up being high. I keep my expectations for myself really high, so when I don’t get the same in return it feels like a slap in the face. In my ideal world, the people close to you work just as hard to make you feel important as you do to make them feel like you’ve got them. For the most part I feel like this is how it works, but then I’m reminded that it probably doesn’t happen exactly that way. Their are holes in the safety net and sometimes you slip through and land on the floor.
People are selfish and I don’t like it. It makes me feel pressured to be selfish too, to not care as much as I do, to push people away and start building that wall and start saying no a lot more. But that’s not who I am or who I want to be. I want to be giving and enthusiastic, I want to be open to adventure and willing to jump on a plane or car or train for the people I love.
How do I become comfortable giving of myself without being disappointed when the same doesn’t bounce back to me? Is that even something I should be doing? Lowering my expectations of others is not easy, but maybe it’s the only way that I can dodge hurt feelings and let downs. But what does that mean in the long run? And am I even capable of doing it? And then there is my ultimate worry : what if I’m constantly asking too much of people? I know that I bust my ass to make it clear that people are appreciated, but maybe I’m abnormal in my expectations of others. And that scares me. It’s hard to really assert myself and say, “No. You don’t get it. I really need you,” after someone has dropped the ball. Feeling like someone is doing something out of pure obligation is the worst. Nobody wants to beg someone else to hang out with them, or keep in touch, or sacrifice a bit of their time.
I’m looking for balance and I’m not sure it actually exists.