Saturday Edition: The Pizza Breakdown

Hey look! This is something new! A post on a Saturday?! Why yes, indeed, it is! The Saturday Edition is a post written by Kamel, about anything and all things. Even I am not entirely sure what most of these are about. Get ready…

I love Pizza. But there are three things in the world that can totally ruin the idea of Pizza for me.

1. Pineapple on Pizza. Why would anyone ever think this is a good idea? Do not try to convince me. I cannot be swayed.

2. Too many ingredients / fancy “gourmet” “Pizzas”. No, I don’t want my Pizza looking like a recently loaded compost bucket. I don’t care that it has 5 different types of greens, olives, black olives, pine nuts, salmon, thin slices of almonds, onions, pesto, and to make it even worse – all on a thin crust. I just see a goopy disaster that probably tastes nothing like Pizza.

3. COLD. PIZZA. ew.

Pizza is supposed to be hot, but not too hot. You have to let it sit when they first bring it to you so the cheeses can settle. Eating it too hot will burn your tongue and invalidate the rest of the pizza. Or the cheese will be too melted and slide right off of it and you end up eating all the cheese first, it cannot be stopped. But when you eat it at just the right temperature, pizza is a magical food. So, why would anyone EVER eat cold pizza?! I didn’t even know it was a thing until I was an adult.

A long, long time ago. I had just moved to San Francisco. I was 19, about to turn 20 and it was the first time in my life I was living away from home and with roommates. To celebrate my first night in the new apartment, we had all ordered Pizza!

Two of my roommates ordered the wacky pineapple kind and the fancy kind from points 1 and 2 above. (ew as discussed before.) But my other roommate and I just got the classic pepperoni and cheese kind. It was from Mr Pizza Man and it was glorious. But none of us could finish it all. So away the left overs went to the fridge.

The next morning we were all hanging out and hungry. They decided to have left over Pizza. What I saw next was shocking! They had taken their slices out of the fridge and began eating it! Without heating it! Barf! Why?! I don’t get it?

At the time, we lacked a microwave, so I was unable to re-heat my pizza (Lauren Edit: because the stove was also broken? Oh no! What are 20 year old men to do without a microwave! Carry on…) so I was out of luck. But hungry, so I took a little nibble of a cold piece and it was just as nasty as I thought it would be. But the rest of my household noshed away, saying crazy thing like “MMM I LOVE COLD PIZZA!” and I was all poker faced and pretending to agree as I went back to the kitchen to figure out how to re-heat without a microwave.

In the end, I just threw it away. They finished theirs, and that same day I went to Best Buy and bought a microwave.

Problem solved for next time. The End.

24 thoughts on “Saturday Edition: The Pizza Breakdown”

  1. Dude, you are anti-pineapple AND anti-cold pizza? I’m not sure if we can be friends anymore….

    Whenever we would order pizza at my house, we had to get two kinds. My mom HATED olives, and my dad HATED pineapple, so we would get a medium pepperoni and olives and a medium pineapple and canadian bacon. My sisters and i loved both, so basically pizza night was awesome night. ahhhh the good ole days.

    p.s. next time you guys come to Chicago, we are going to Piece. they have a mashed potatoes topping option (ew) but generally, best pizza EVER.

  2. Hahahaha this is just perfect timing, I do not know how you do it, but, pizza is on its way right now 🙂 Also packing for Mexico is on the schedule. Can not wait :p
    What I CAN NOT STAND on pizza is tuna fish. I just can’t take it.

      1. I had tuna on pizza once, my second year of university.

        …No, wait, I can explain! I was broke, in Edinburgh for the weekend. So broke that I literally had 30 euros in my bank account. We went to a pizza place, with a really extensive menu, and when we noticed tuna, we started imagining the grosses pizza ever- tuna and pineapple (My friends and I shared Kamel’s wise aversion) and banana. My friend Colm said if anyone ordered that combination he’d buy their lunch. I took him up on his offer. Broke as I was, I almost regretted the free lunch, after tasting the tuna.

        Turns out that banana is a great topping on pizza though. Who’da thunkit?

  3. TIME. OUT. update on a saturday? from kamel? with snarky editorial notes from lauren? best series EVARRRRRRRR!

    that’s all.

  4. In México, they have beans pizza! In Miami there’s the “Authentic Cuban Pizza” with baked potatoes and eggs!
    I’ve had both and they are good!

  5. Kamel is the first male I have heard of who won’t eat cold pizza. I think it’s disgusting, but it has to be one of the most universally common points among the males of my acquaintance.

    I have no idea how you would heat up pizza on a stove, Lauren. Skillet? I guess you could use the oven.

    Tip: Toaster Oven is AMAZING for reheating pizza. It’s also THE BEST for making hot sandwiches. FYI.

  6. I hate cold pizza too, Kamel. It’s global popularity is mind-boggling to me. But never microwave it! It makes the crust all mushy. Put it in the oven–it’s the only way. In fact, I think reheated-in-the-oven pizza is even better than fresh.

  7. This is a sad day. A sad day, indeed. This is the day I realize I could never host Kamel for pizza at our house. We disagree on every point:

    1) Pineapple is amazing. Canadian bacon and pineapple is the go-to order at our house. It was one of the moments where I realized Chris and I could live long and happy lives together.
    2) I love cool, new toppings combinations. I agree that there shouldn’t an itch of toppings but live a little.
    3) Cold pizza is a high art form.

  8. I’m cracking up, because I am very pro ALL 3 things you listed 😀

    Although, admittedly, for a LONG time I was on the no-pineapple train. But then I somehow got a bite of Hawaiian pizza, and my whole world changed. Trust me, Kamel. The world is happier with pineapple.

  9. I have to agree with all points except cold pizza. I like cold pizza, but not every kind of pizza can be eaten cold. Really I think I only like Peter Piper Pizza cold the next day. The rest of the pizzas must be warm.

    And pineapple? On pizza OR alone? *barf* I do not compute.

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