The Mucus. OH THE MUCUS.

Ok, so this post may or may not be a direct correlation to the massive amounts of cheering on from the survey (Um, THANK YOU… a bigger post on stats, etc will be coming soon, promise). So many of you were all “tell me more things about your relationship!” and I was all, “that’s not boring and/or lame-o?” and you were all, “hell no! give us the dirt!” and then I was all, “Mucus, you guys… MUCOUS.”

You know I love Kamel. You know this, I don’t have to remind you, but I will… because lately? Lately I don’t like him. He’s so annoying! And he’s been sick for weeks! Which, in general I am very sympathetic towards. I give him medicine and I make sure he drinks fluids and I rub his back and give him sympathetic looks (and then when he’s not looking … eye rolls) because I realize that his man cold is so much worse than any lady cold could ever be. Ahem.

The truth is, he’s been sick since November 29 and now he has a cough that won’t quit (much like my bootay). It’s keeping him awake, and sleeping in the bed is too uncomfortable for him, so he’s been living on the couch. And hearing him hack and cough and belch and be generally gross for weeks is giving me a case of the icks. I realize this is selfish, poor Kamel is sick and I’m all “ew get away from me.” But I can’t help it. It makes me gag. And I definitely don’t want to kiss it… it as in “the gross mucous pie hole that all of the hacking and gunk comes shooting out of.”

We’re low on “The Sexy” over here, let me tell you. Is this what they meant by sometimes marriage isn’t pretty?

It doesn’t help that he isn’t the most polite sick person. There’s a lot of gagging hacks that happen mouth UNCOVERED. And there could be a lot more washing of hands. And I don’t want him on my pillow, touching my computer, or using my phone. But somehow it’s like the world moves in slow-mo as he’s reaching for my things and then rubbing them all over his snotty face and hands, (Exaggeration and batteries included for your convenience) and as I reach for it and go nooooooooooo! I’m always too late.

This combined with the whining has my husband getting on my every last nerve. My patience is tiny when it comes to bad attitudes, leaving kleenex and dirty clothes and wet towels willy nilly, forgetting things I’ve asked him to do, and the list could just keep going.

This makes me look bad, I realize this. The general consensus I’m sure is, “But Lauren, he’s sick! How can you require that he acts like a normal human being during such a trying time?”

And I have some answers for the nay sayers:

1) Because I am not his mother. That’s the big one. Just because you have a cough doesn’t mean you suddenly have two broken arms and two broken legs (oh god, cue flashback to my own mother saying the exact same thing….). Now that he’s out of the fever and feeling like crap stage, I need him to go back to being an active member of our household.

2) Because no matter how hard I try I can’t escape him. He’s always here, touching all of my things!!

3) Because whine-y people are the most unattractive creatures on the face of the planet. [shudder] So although the whining is coming out of the man I love the most in the world, I still want to throttle him until he shuuuuts upppp.

So yes, the mucous is invading my marriage. I’m hoping to grit my teeth until it decides to MOVE OUT. And thank you sweet baby jesus that I didn’t catch the thing that Kamel got… cuz hell hath no furry like a Lauren who got sick because Kamel couldn’t keep his grubby hands to himself.

And scene.

43 thoughts on “The Mucus. OH THE MUCUS.”

  1. Aww, yeah. The exact same thing happened to Lindi and I in October… she was sick FOREVER. She got sick, I got sick, and even when I got better she was STILL SICK. Lots of coughing and hacking and ickiness. She also ended up sleeping on the couch because she couldn’t sleep without being propped up. It was a very sad and germ-y time in our life. Hah.

    Good luck! Don’t get sick!!

    1. After you got better and she was still being sick (and by doing so being ridiculously inconsiderate, obvi) did you punch her straight in the nose?

      Probably not because you’re an excellent person. sigh. πŸ˜‰

  2. Also, he could try going to the doctor to get a cold and flu cocktail shot- I have no idea what that is, but after three weeks when Lindi wasn’t showing ANY improvement, she finally went to the doctor and that’s what they gave her. It seemed to help. <3

  3. “I realize that his man cold is so much worse than any lady cold could ever be.”

    My husband is a cold one-upper too! Okay, my husband is just an in-general one-upper, but it’s the most annoying when he’s/we’re sick. Makes me, yes, want to punch him in the face!

    Also, my husband works in the medical field. So he thinks he’s Doctor Bill and feels the need to tell me how everything I’m doing to feel better while sick is actually wrong. It really is a lovely part of marriage.

    People say if you can survive the first year, you’re fine. I say, if you can survive the first cold/flu, you can survive anything.

    Good luck my dear.

    1. I was at my wits end last night and in a mini over-tired breakdown I said, “If all I ever wanted you to do was cover your MOUTH when you COUGHED to show me you loved me, WHY IS IT SO HARD TO DO IT?!” And he said, “It’s hard to remember…”

      And then my head exploded, and confetti did NOT come out, let me tell you.

  4. I also get really angry when Pat is sick and seems to REFUSE to take care of himself. Drink water, take some Mucinex, rest, eat well. No, girl scout cookies will NOT help your gd cold. It’s SO annoying. So now, not only do I have to listen to you be a whiny baby but I also have to watch you do all the things that will only make it worse. Leading me to believe that you will be sick forever and oh my god I can’t do this forever.

    1. Ugh, my husband won’t take medicine when he’s sick! Ibuprofen or Pepto for a hangover, sure, but actually sick, when some Mucinex or Nyquil will help him get through it? Of COURSE not! Because that is just “covering up the symptoms”. So then I have to hear him whine and hack and pathetically ask me to do everything for him. Boys!

    2. Ahahah. Omg. Yes. I practically have to force medicine on the fiance. Chips and salsa? No, not going to help your cold. Ice cream? No. Going to work for ten hours? NO! BACK ON THE COUCH!

  5. My mom and I actually have this theory that when men are sick, it is the end. of. the. world. And this is coming at a very appropriate time, because right now I’M the sick one! And i’m medicating myself, dragging myself out of bed, and making it through the day at the office like a normal human being. but when alex is sick? nobody can possibly understand how terrible he feels and how he has to just sit on the couch and be miserable and how he needs me to get him tissues or medicine or tea or whatever. My dad used to do the same thing- he’d be even the tiniest bit sick, and oh dear god he just can’t function.

    1. I think that sounded more bitter than i actually am- disclaimer, i’m sure alex wouldn’t hestiate to run to the store and get medicine for me if i asked πŸ™‚ i just… don’t want to ask. cause i am a grown-ass woman and i do it myself.

    2. To give kamel some credit he did drag himself to work because he has no sick leave, BUT! the whining… like the “I don’t wannnnnaaaaa” whine. NO. I want to clap at him like a dog getting into the garbage and say “NO! Baaaaadddd Kammeelllyyy.”

      1. I too am feeling like I sounded a lot more bitter than I actually am about this. It brings out the bitch doesn’t it?

        and yes to the clapping at him like a dog in the garbage. It’s like “snap out of it!”

  6. Just – AMEN. Nothing is more annoying than a sick husband. And you are not a bad person. Or, if you are, then I am too. Which, come to think of it, is a definite possibility . . .

  7. I am so relieved to know I’m not the only one to hate my partner a little bit when he gets sick. As soon as he has the sniffles, he starts sighing: “I’m getting sick” in this very doomsday-esque voice. He then complains and whines through two days of cough drops and blowing his nose, all the while continuing to want to cuddle and kiss and touch my stuff and being all hurt when I say “no.” I inevitably end up getting sick a few days later. Lucky for me he is really great about getting me tea and tissues and the like…but I’d prefer if he never got me sick in the first place!

  8. I just want to give a big, fat AMEN to this whole post. This is exactly what I’m like when Chris gets sick. I try for the first two-ish days (I sound *awful*!) to be loving and supportive and caring. I make soup, I fluff pillows, I make tea with honey and lemon.

    But our household is based on the assumption that there are two up-right adults to do dishes and laundry and cook. (I really feel awful but this drives me nuts and gets me all ragey feminist!) And then I end up doing it all and I start to get a teeny, tiny bit resentful. Especially when I feel like I have to do ninja moves to make it through the uncovered coughs.

    And can I give Jen a big, fat AMEN for calling out the Girl Scout cookie consumpution? Sugarpie, Hot Pockets are not the answer. Babydoll, you need rest not the entire third season of The Next Generation in one day. Take a hot shower and a nap. And please cover your cough.

    1. alex has been out of town for the past few weeks, and i just realized how much of our household is dependent on TWO people. It was so hard trying to do it all myself, AND I didn’t realize how many things are stored out of my reach… like paper towels. Damn you paper towels for being so high up that I had to use my lacrosse stick to poke you down.

      1. There is a whole section of our apartment that is just off limits to me. I’m 5’6, Chris is 6’3. It’s a whole different world up there.

    2. yes!

      It’s the same with a headache though too.
      him: I have a headaaaache.
      me: Did you take anything?
      him: No. I didn’t eat anything all day.
      me: do you think that’s why you might have a headache?
      him: i dunno

      1. This. Is. My. Life. Every. Single. Day.

        I get home from work to “I have a headache”. “Did you drink enough water today?” “I had a couple of glasses.” “Were you out in the sun all day?” “Yes. “Go drink some water then”. *rage*

      1. don’t be wooed by him!! you weren’t there when he coughed UP something at the mall and it landed on the floor!! (cue public humiliation and lauren walking quickly away)

  9. Omigod!! this conversation is hilarious πŸ™‚

    ps: the mucous, thats how I SPELL IT TOO. So you are not alone in your british old school spelling superiority/ways

  10. I’m not alone!! The sick partner thing is so irritating! Now, I know myself well enough to know that I am not the best patient ever, but I stay in bed, throw out my tissues and generally try to keep the whining to a minimum…and I usually get pretty sick if I’m unwell. But the boy gets the tiniest sniffle and it’s worst case scenarios all the way.

    Oh, and if the cough won’t go away, the best thing for it is Seneca & Ammonia cough medicine. I don’t know if you have it over there in the US, but it’s one of those old school grandma-type medicines so it’s really cheap, works like a dream and tastes revolting. Honestly, I promise it works wonders on mucous!

  11. Aaaand I’m the opposite. I hate being sick and whine and surround myself with tissues (I do cover my mouth, though, and I don’t touch his things) and ask him to bring me things. John, on the other hand, wants to be utterly left alone in a cave until he gets better or dies. I’ll pick up medicine and things for him, trying to make up for the times when I was sick and much more whiny, but he mostly just wants to be left alone.

  12. i’m late to the convo, but i have a small something to add:

    VOCAL REST…FOR A MONTH.

    yes, my lovely dear M is perpetually sick with the “worst” sinus infections and colds and losing his voice…they’re bad, i’ll admit, but definitely blown out of proportion at times. this has gone on for the 2+ years that we’ve been together. i finally made him an appointment with the Ear Nose & Throat doctor in November. the result…VOCAL REST FOR A MONTH (among other medicines/CT scans/surgeries). seriously? SERIOUSLY? the man can’t keep his mouth shut for 2 seconds, and you want him to not speak for a MONTH?!

    i’ve turned into the mega-monster around these parts trying to keep him on his best behavior with this. and i’ve decided (amen to this lauren), i’m NOT his mother. he’s 30. babe, you can sort yourself out.

    end my rant. thanks for giving me safe space to do so. πŸ˜‰

  13. “because I realize that his man cold is so much worse than any lady cold could ever be. Ahem”

    Seriously. I get a cold, and a cough and sniff for a couple of days but keep doing what I gotta do. When he gets a cold, you’d think he’s dying. And men tell us to suck it up when we get our periods? Puh-lease.

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