Ok, so this post may or may not be a direct correlation to the massive amounts of cheering on from the survey (Um, THANK YOU… a bigger post on stats, etc will be coming soon, promise). So many of you were all “tell me more things about your relationship!” and I was all, “that’s not boring and/or lame-o?” and you were all, “hell no! give us the dirt!” and then I was all, “Mucus, you guys… MUCOUS.”
You know I love Kamel. You know this, I don’t have to remind you, but I will… because lately? Lately I don’t like him. He’s so annoying! And he’s been sick for weeks! Which, in general I am very sympathetic towards. I give him medicine and I make sure he drinks fluids and I rub his back and give him sympathetic looks (and then when he’s not looking … eye rolls) because I realize that his man cold is so much worse than any lady cold could ever be. Ahem.
The truth is, he’s been sick since November 29 and now he has a cough that won’t quit (much like my bootay). It’s keeping him awake, and sleeping in the bed is too uncomfortable for him, so he’s been living on the couch. And hearing him hack and cough and belch and be generally gross for weeks is giving me a case of the icks. I realize this is selfish, poor Kamel is sick and I’m all “ew get away from me.” But I can’t help it. It makes me gag. And I definitely don’t want to kiss it… it as in “the gross mucous pie hole that all of the hacking and gunk comes shooting out of.”
We’re low on “The Sexy” over here, let me tell you. Is this what they meant by sometimes marriage isn’t pretty?
It doesn’t help that he isn’t the most polite sick person. There’s a lot of gagging hacks that happen mouth UNCOVERED. And there could be a lot more washing of hands. And I don’t want him on my pillow, touching my computer, or using my phone. But somehow it’s like the world moves in slow-mo as he’s reaching for my things and then rubbing them all over his snotty face and hands, (Exaggeration and batteries included for your convenience) and as I reach for it and go nooooooooooo! I’m always too late.
This combined with the whining has my husband getting on my every last nerve. My patience is tiny when it comes to bad attitudes, leaving kleenex and dirty clothes and wet towels willy nilly, forgetting things I’ve asked him to do, and the list could just keep going.
This makes me look bad, I realize this. The general consensus I’m sure is, “But Lauren, he’s sick! How can you require that he acts like a normal human being during such a trying time?”
And I have some answers for the nay sayers:
1) Because I am not his mother. That’s the big one. Just because you have a cough doesn’t mean you suddenly have two broken arms and two broken legs (oh god, cue flashback to my own mother saying the exact same thing….). Now that he’s out of the fever and feeling like crap stage, I need him to go back to being an active member of our household.
2) Because no matter how hard I try I can’t escape him. He’s always here, touching all of my things!!
3) Because whine-y people are the most unattractive creatures on the face of the planet. [shudder] So although the whining is coming out of the man I love the most in the world, I still want to throttle him until he shuuuuts upppp.
So yes, the mucous is invading my marriage. I’m hoping to grit my teeth until it decides to MOVE OUT. And thank you sweet baby jesus that I didn’t catch the thing that Kamel got… cuz hell hath no furry like a Lauren who got sick because Kamel couldn’t keep his grubby hands to himself.