Flashback Friday: Dear Roommate

Sometimes on Fridays I take a break from thinking up stories and interesting tidbits to share and delve into my currently unpublished blog that goes all the way back to Nov of 2006.

When I first moved to San Francisco I lived in a horrible little apartment that had a mice infestation, and a shitty room mate. I would routinely write letters to her via my blog. This letter comes directly after the last Friday Flashback (Christmas, 2007). At this moment in history it’s January 2nd, 2008 and I had just returned back from Seattle.

Dear Roommate,

I know I have been gone for almost two full weeks and that probably confused and possibly even bewildered you, roommate. I can only imagine your distress at not having me there to curb your completely immature, inconsiderate behavior. Whatever did you do?!

I must confess that the day I left Seattle to fly back to our cozy abode, I had an intense panic attack involving sweating, nausea, and irrational (yet hidden) aggravation at everything moving or speaking. The fear: You hadn’t taken the garbage out for all that time and the mice had devoured my entire bedroom set. I don’t deny my crazy, I choose to accept, embrace and laugh at it.

My first apartment in San Francisco… before I knew there was mice.

When Patrick helped me carry my bags into our apartment, I was grateful you weren’t home to hear our exclamation of “What! Is that smell?!” I do know that the old crusty pot pipe on the kitchen table probably had something to do with it. But I wouldn’t find out the real cause, you sneaky roommate you, until hours later.

In the meantime I busied myself with Ousting the place several times (unscented) and being pleased that the garbage in the kitchen was virtually empty. After lugging my bags into my shoebox-sized room, I scanned my empty cupboards for an english-muffin-butter dinner, padding around in my stalking feet. At one point standing on the carpet, I realized that my socks were, indeed, wet.

Tiny, tiny little mice filled room.

I was puzzled.

When I went to the bathroom a bit later, I was startled to see a lot of my toiletries from the shower resting on the back of the toilet and on the sink. Not in the shower where they usually live, room mate. And the most puzzling of all was the disappearance of the bath mat. Which is an integral part of the bathing experience!

So I knocked on your door and asked you what happened. All I got was a vague answer that the bathroom flooded, but that it wasn’t poop. Thanks for the reassurance. And that you had cloroxed it. I believed you, even though the floor was still pretty sticky. And then you said you took my shampoo etc out of the shower so that your visitors wouldn’t use them. Odd. And annoying that you didn’t put them back.

This morning on my way to work I saw the vomit covered sopping wet towel in the garage, room mate. Could an extremely high flow of vomit possible clogged our three-in-one flushing toilet? Ive heard fables of such things happening but never truly believed in their mystery. Could this had been the bathroom Unicorn I had heard tall tales of?

I get that you like to party, but you live a disgusting life and I had to swallow extra hard to keep my breakfast down and focus on my light-at-the-end-of-the-tunnel move before april in order to not march back in and shatter your stupid pipe all over the kitchen floor. You are not the only person who lives here! (Hello, the other person is me.)

Note: I don’t know what a “three-in-one flushing toilet” means…. do you? Cuz, 2011-2012 is out of that lingo loop.

8 thoughts on “Flashback Friday: Dear Roommate”

  1. Bad room mates are the worst!!! I have a similar story in that I went away to Maine for a week with a bunch of friends, and when I came back the house looked as though it had been broken into. Well…it was, by my room mate because he had forgotten his key one day. So the collapsable stand under the window was destroyed and the contents were laying all over the floor. Then I went upstairs to my bedroom and he had apparently slept in my room all week because I had an air conditioner. He left the air conditioner on continuously and the unit, being old, would freeze up and then drip when it thawed out. This left the carpet in my bedroom soaking wet and reeking of mold. As the capper to this, and what made my head explode, was when I went into the bathroom and he had clogged the toilet…and his rancid poop was sitting there taunting me. Thank god my now husband was there with me or I think I would have hunted him down and suffocated him on my moldy carpet.

    1. Ok, you win!!!! My roommate used to have loud sex with her creep bf in the shower, in a tub that didn’t really drain while I was home (gag) but!! Sleeping in my bed?!?!? I would have died.

      1. When I first got that bed (mind you, I had been sleeping on a futon up until then) before I even had a chance to sleep in it – I came home from work and found he had “watched a movie” with his girlfriend in it. When I found her earrings at the foot of the bed, under the covers, I think I died a little on the inside. Needless to say I had to strip off the brand new sheets and comforter and wash them immediately. *Sigh* I’m so glad that I don’t have to live with anyone besides the hubby now.

        And sexy shower time in a stanky non draining tub is gross! As are vomit soaked towels. As are nasty room mates. oof.

  2. Good god, I still can’t believe we slept on that floor. Didn’t her creep bf used to slap her around as well? And you were trying to think of a way to permanently ban him from the apt? sigh.

    miss you!

  3. Oh my god, bad roomates can be the worse. You know, it is the worse feeling when you want to go home and you just don’t want to hang out there because you don’t want to see the other person or their mess. I once had a roomate that would always FRY all of her food, and then not ever clean the stove top afterwards, so there was oil and tomato sauce and whatnot splashes all over the walls. At some point because of that I stopped cooking myself, because I am obsessive in that I won’t cook in a dirty kitchen, and I was not going to clean her mess every time. So I just used the microwave to warm up my milk, ate cereal, and used the waterboiler to prepare pasta. And that is what I survived on. There was also this other roomate who was practically living with her boyfriend, that is, he was squatting our apartment, and I was always late or had to wake up very early in the morning because he would take over the shower and no one could get ready.
    But the worse is people who leave things in the fridge for ever and ever more and then your fridge becomes the zoo, and it is just disgusting.
    So much better now 🙂

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