The Why

So last week was lamesville. Sometimes you have those weeks when you’re like, “What?! WHY!”

Why do I have to put up with one more goddamn thing.

Why do I have to dig deep and find patience, haven’t I been swimming in a sea of patience I didn’t even know existed for months years?

The universe tells me to work with what I have and all I want to do is yell WHY! at it. Because, guess what, sometimes “what I have” is a pile of lamesauce over a lameroastbeef. And why yes, I’ll have a side of candied lames while you’re at it. But only if you include those little marshmallows.

Sometimes all I have left in me is a big ol THIS IS STUPID.

And I’m sure you guys have had these moments. The moment where you hit a wall and realize the situation you’ve been navigating and making excuses for and being patient with and dancing around and rationalizing effing sucks. There is only one thing that has continually frustrated me and tested me and made me want to cry and scream and punch someone in the face all at the same time, and that’s: job stuff.

We’ve talked about this before. The economy, blahblah. College is a big money hole that doesn’t get you anywhere but the starting line, there are no guarantees and lucky for me – I’m in a world where there is no pre-forged path. I have to come up with my own. And I, unfortunately, enjoy having the pre-forging. I am not a writing genius, I am not a trail blazer. But wouldn’t that be nice if I was?

So I bang my head against the wall, and I try things, and I stay open to new opportunities and possibilities, and I swallow my pride when I’m undervalued and underpaid. And I try not to fixate on needing to hear that I’m doing a good job when it doesn’t come. I try and tell myself that I know that I’m awesome and I know that I’m doing the best I can and hooray for that, eff everybody else. (Not you guys, you guys are rad.) Even though, being appreciated is really important. It’s one of those things that create the foundation for contentedness and confidence. And trying to chug along without it is rough.

But then one day I’m set to meet up with a contact for a possible future job, maybe get some tips, maybe hear about how I can improve on some things. And I hit a wall where suddenly I can’t find anything to wear and my hair is stupid, and what am I doing at this meeting? Suddenly I don’t want anything to do with this person who has a job and wants to lay down some truth and knowledge on me. I have hit a wall where I can’t for one more minute pretend to be oh so grateful for the small crumbs that have come my way.

Oh, thank you for taking the time to sit with poor me, I understand you have an incredibly busy schedule.

Because sometimes I do have pride and I can’t swallow it. Sometimes it bubbles up and I think… WHY.

There are certain times where you need to demand more for yourself. And certain times where you need to be grateful for what you have. And right now I’m trapped right in the middle. It is a time of waiting and patience, as well as scramble and assertion. It is maddening and it is humbling. This is the moment right before the transition, the place where time slows down, the pulling back of the rubber band before the release and the snap. It’s the not knowing where it will land that’s drives me the most crazy, especially when it’s so hard to imagine how far it will fly while building the tension and pulling that rubber band in the opposite direction.

10 thoughts on “The Why”

  1. Oh, man. I’ve been there. We’ve all been there. I’m sorry. It passes, though. It totally passes, and things get better. And this will seem like such a small blimp on the radar of your life someday.

    And then you’ll be the one taking time out of your busy day to offer encouraging words of wisdom to someone who’s in the thick of all those candied lames.

  2. Oh man, that feeling, that place, all of it just plain sucks. I’ve been there; my husband is there now.

    It will pass. I know, that’s annoying to hear. But it’s true.

    Also: for what it’s worth, I appreciate you.

  3. Lauren, oh sister, I feel for you. Lots and lots of good vibes. This growing stuff is hard, mother-effing work and good Lord, involves some serious blood, sweat and tears.

    We’re behind you. And you got the skills, lady. Give Kamel a hug and pour yourself a glass of wine.

    Big hugs.

    1. I didn’t go. I stayed home and I cried and I watched greys anatomy.

      But honestly, it was kind of the best decision I made all week. I’m feel more energized this week. AND I got a call back for a phone interview. So we shall seeee….

  4. Oh Lauren, I feel you. Just hang in there, what you are waiting for will come, it will. In the meantime enjoy the chance of having someone as great as Kamel by your side and your family and friends and us cheering behind you.
    Know that I am in a similar situation, and I struggle with the punching the air, and crying, and helplessnes. Just last week I was silently crying in a bathroom stall at work because of the nonsense situation. Yes I have a job, and I am grateful for it, and it keeps me busy, and it helps our household, but it is far from what I dreamed, and when I see people getting those dreams I find myself wondering what I did wrong, and then I have to remind myself that we are fighting to get there.
    I understand every word you wrote, but it will go away, and you will be stronger for it you will make it.

  5. Somehow, you always post the sort of things that are on my mind right around when they are bugging me.

    Thank you for that. Because as much as I’m sorry to hear how frustrating things are for you, it’s nice to not be completely alone and feel like I’m the only person feeling that way.

  6. I’ve been thinking a lot about these things recently. Work-wise, I’m in a situation I’m not very fond of, and I think I know the situation I want to GET to, but HOW THE EFF DO I GET THERE? Besides a shit ton of hard work. Because I know it’ll take that. But some days I just want to say, “are you kidding me?? I work my ass off every single day, and now I have to do MORE? NO, UNIVERSE, NO!”

    And then I pout a while and tell myself to get over it, because yeah, if I want to meet my career goals, that’s the way it is. But it doesn’t make it any easier to swallow.

    So, I guess just know you’re not alone–and it’s good for me (and others!) to know there are people in the same boat, too.

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