So last week was lamesville. Sometimes you have those weeks when you’re like, “What?! WHY!”
Why do I have to put up with one more goddamn thing.
Why do I have to dig deep and find patience, haven’t I been swimming in a sea of patience I didn’t even know existed for
The universe tells me to work with what I have and all I want to do is yell WHY! at it. Because, guess what, sometimes “what I have” is a pile of lamesauce over a lameroastbeef. And why yes, I’ll have a side of candied lames while you’re at it. But only if you include those little marshmallows.
Sometimes all I have left in me is a big ol THIS IS STUPID.
And I’m sure you guys have had these moments. The moment where you hit a wall and realize the situation you’ve been navigating and making excuses for and being patient with and dancing around and rationalizing effing sucks. There is only one thing that has continually frustrated me and tested me and made me want to cry and scream and punch someone in the face all at the same time, and that’s: job stuff.
We’ve talked about this before. The economy, blahblah. College is a big money hole that doesn’t get you anywhere but the starting line, there are no guarantees and lucky for me – I’m in a world where there is no pre-forged path. I have to come up with my own. And I, unfortunately, enjoy having the pre-forging. I am not a writing genius, I am not a trail blazer. But wouldn’t that be nice if I was?
So I bang my head against the wall, and I try things, and I stay open to new opportunities and possibilities, and I swallow my pride when I’m undervalued and underpaid. And I try not to fixate on needing to hear that I’m doing a good job when it doesn’t come. I try and tell myself that I know that I’m awesome and I know that I’m doing the best I can and hooray for that, eff everybody else. (Not you guys, you guys are rad.) Even though, being appreciated is really important. It’s one of those things that create the foundation for contentedness and confidence. And trying to chug along without it is rough.
But then one day I’m set to meet up with a contact for a possible future job, maybe get some tips, maybe hear about how I can improve on some things. And I hit a wall where suddenly I can’t find anything to wear and my hair is stupid, and what am I doing at this meeting? Suddenly I don’t want anything to do with this person who has a job and wants to lay down some truth and knowledge on me. I have hit a wall where I can’t for one more minute pretend to be oh so grateful for the small crumbs that have come my way.
Oh, thank you for taking the time to sit with poor me, I understand you have an incredibly busy schedule.
Because sometimes I do have pride and I can’t swallow it. Sometimes it bubbles up and I think… WHY.
There are certain times where you need to demand more for yourself. And certain times where you need to be grateful for what you have. And right now I’m trapped right in the middle. It is a time of waiting and patience, as well as scramble and assertion. It is maddening and it is humbling. This is the moment right before the transition, the place where time slows down, the pulling back of the rubber band before the release and the snap. It’s the not knowing where it will land that’s drives me the most crazy, especially when it’s so hard to imagine how far it will fly while building the tension and pulling that rubber band in the opposite direction.