While writing last week about vacations and words and all of that, I realized I have a shit ton of guilt. Ridiculous amounts. I feel bad if I take a break from my day, or don’t email someone back fast enough, or sleep in too late, or eat a cookie when I should have an apple instead, or skip a work out in order to lay around, or if I spend extra money on things that aren’t absolutely necessary, or (and especially) when I say no to people.
I have no fix for this at the moment, just a realizing that damn, I am causing myself a ton of anxiety. Tons. Sometimes I’m just dragggging my feet because I don’t want to do xyz but I feel so guilty if I don’t that it’s a battle of wills inside myself – where I’m always the loser.
Here are the things I know for sure:
1) No one will die no matter what I’m torn between.
2) Sometimes doing something I don’t want to do is the right decision, and sometimes it isn’t. Sometimes it’s ok to sleep in or skip something I’m “supposed” to be doing.
3) I don’t know how to NOT feel guilty, I don’t know how to shake off the anxiety of achieving my own expectations.
I woke myself up prematurely from a nap on Saturday because I didn’t want to sleep too much. Which kind of left me a mess for a few hours.
I take on too many tasks and then feel overwhelmed, I feel like I should be able to squeeze in more and more when maybe I can’t.
I don’t know how to give myself a break. I don’t know how to let myself off the hook.