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The Battle, The Final Stages

The war raged. And we decided to move out and give up the apartment to the MOSQUITO.

No, that’s a lie. Kamel killed it.

But let me fill you in on the saga. Yesterday, while working from home, I periodically scoped out the bedroom, checked the nooks and crannies with the flashlight, etc. But the MOSQUITO was no where to be found. I started to wonder if maybe Kamel had wounded it beyond life… but I still had my doubts.

So when we were getting ready for bed Kamel had an idea.

“Ok, this time, if we hear the whining squeeeeeeeee, we just have to calmly wake each other up. I’ll turn the light on and we’ll find it. No spazzing out, this time we’ll be ready,” he said.

“Ok,” I said, “but I already know that’s not going to happen. It’s impossible for me to be woken up by a bug in my ear and not flip my shit. It’s a nice thought, but I hope the MOSQUITO wakes you up first is all I’m saying.”

“Oh Lauren…” And I’m pretty sure I hear that response multiple times a day.

So, we went to bed. And while the lights were off and we were pretending to try to sleep while our ears were like mini satellite dishes, scanning for the squeeeeeeeeeeee, I thought (And then said outloud) that if I actually started to believe that Kamel killed the MOSQUITO without evidence of such a victory – that would be the moment the evil critter would make its appearance. So, I tried to continue believing it was still alive and that maybe I would be able to sleep without being jarred awake by tiny wings.

But of course, as is most often the case in these stories, the battle was not waged in the physical form, this battle was mental torture. Oh ho ho…. and that MOSQUITO was king of such games. KING. I did sleep, but even though I was warm, I kept the covers up to just past my chin to deter the MOSQUITO from feasting on my flesh any further. So toss and turn and sweat I did… until the morning.

The alarm went off and we dutifully ignored it to cuddle for another 15 minutes. A few minutes went by until Kamel suddenly whispered, “Lauren! It’s HERE!” This is when I scoot away from Kamel and also scoot back from the headboard. He flipped the lights on, grabbed the flashlight and I completely covered myself with the comforter. I was super over this fucking MOSQUITO. And I didn’t want it to fly at my head.

“Do you see it?! Do you see it?!” Kamel asked at me. I popped my head out and answered him, no.

And then suddenly Kamel spotted movement. (Later he said he’s like a T-Rex… vision responding to movement. Sigh. Ok.) The little monster was camouflaging himself on our black headboard! So, I backed away further while Kamel went in for the strike. This time, with no question on whether or not he killed him. When he pulled away the paper towel… and subsequently peaked inside… Kamel grimaced… and then looked again.

“Ew. EW. It’s a bloody mess.”

“Yeah… MY blood.”

Because yes, we did win the war. But the battle wounds are still driving me batty.

I don’t know if your resolution can pick that up…. but that bite HAS A TAIL. Here is another angle just in case:

You may have left your mark, MOSQUITO. But you are also dead now. Hail the victors!


  1. holy christ! that bite DOES have a tail!

    So…would you rather have ants or mosquitoes?

    • MOSQUITO! because it was just the one… and it’s not an infestation. The fact that Kamel just said ants kind of makes me want to divorce him.


      • oh man. I would have said mosquito too. I STILL get the heebie jeebies thinking about your ant infestation. (IN YOUR CAR??)

        you probably should have put one of these on your registry:

        • plus i’ve always had a mosquito net fantasy even as a little kid. I think they are SO COOOOOL.

        • plus i’ve always had a mosquito net fantasy even as a little kid. I think they are SO COOOOOL.

  2. Not to minimize your obvious trauma but you had me in stiches this morning!


  3. Hahahaha T-REX VISION!

  4. Hail the victors ! And wow, that mosquito bite really has a tail ! You know, your saga just made me think of this really old , really bad, mexican song from a pop band back in the 80s… where the mosquito would beg the girl not to kill him because this mosquito can speak english and will help her study. Maybe Kamel remebers? Or maybe I’m just super old hehe . Anyway here goes.
    Just thinking maybe if you did not grow up with it is not funny…. but we’ll see .

    • hahaha I remember that band! But not that song.

      Now I’m on a youtube search for more FLANS!

  5. Not to spoil your celebration but mosquitoes always come in groups so… Keep an ear open!

  6. Dude. I thought you were going to show photos of the squished skeeter. I had my face all scrunched in anticipation. I’m glad that you did not.

  7. This was a great story! Reminded me of the annoyance of sleeping in a mummy bag in the Wyoming mountains. That sound was a nightmare because there was no place to hide.

  8. i really seriously enjoyed that saga! i was totally on the edge of my seat! i hate that high pitched mosquito noise too… ugh.

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Who the hell is she?


Seattle/Writer/Adventurer/Married to Kamel/Maker of many mistakes/Mom of 1 Gabriel and 1 TBD/Baker of things/Roaster of Vegetables/Maker of videos/Normal life photographer/Romantic/Irreverent/Honest

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