You guys. I have been living in silent frustration, mourning a secret loss, and putting off the most important of tasks… Well, that is until this weekend…
The thing is, I’ve been rocking these Old Navy mesh hipster panties for years now. they are the freaking Jesus of underwear. I don’t actually know what the Jesus of underwear means, or even if that’s a thing. But they 1) covered my butt 2) were totally seamless and 3) cute. I’m pretty sure that if Jesus came to earth as underpants, he would be aiming for those 3 things too, I’m just saying.
But then… Old Navy, without anyone warning me so that I could stock up like a freak hoarder, decided to discontinue my underpants. Discontinue them. I even searched on ebay to no avail. So, I just put off buying underwear even though sometimes I don’t have enough of them to get through the week, even though some of the mesh is now starting to break and ball up, even though I would love to throw some away but don’t have enough spares.
I don’t think that my 3 men readers really grasp how important underwear is to a lady. No, our underpants can not just be any old pair of shorts lying around the bedroom floor. They are snug, they have to fit close to the body – but not too close!! – they have to be INVISIBLE, but comfortable, they have to not shift or get sucked into the vortex, they have to be attractive looking because we like to feel pretty in our underpinnings, or feel a tad stylish while wandering around the house in a tank top and underwear, as I am known to do on a regular and prolonged basis. It’s complicated is what I’m saying.
So, obviously, in a moment of desperation and total underwear abandonment, I took to the twitters.
When I have a need, I don’t mess around. And the internet? The internet always comes through. Suggestions came pouring in and the final two winners were Aerie by American Eagle (Can someone who knows this brand link me to their favorite styles in comments so that I can buy a variety… or just one if there is a consensus… online?) and Victoria Secret Lacies! I got the hipsters, but now I’m thinking that maybe I should have got the brief?
The only Victoria Secrets underwear that’s ever really worked were these low rise, thin-banned little cotton ones, but once they started marketing to pre-teens all of that stuff went out the window and now they sell mostly underpants with words on the ass. But I was excited for so many recommendations for VS that I wanted to give them another shot. (Thank you to Sarah, Liz, Christy, Meghan, Maris, Ellie, and Rachelle for your hilarious and informative messages.)
So, I traipsed in there, on a mission, got lost in their many rooms, was transported back to high school with the way it smelled, and then finally, finally found the lacie hipsters.
I bought 3/$30. One in grey, bright pink, and this blue here. And then of course I raced home to try them on. The verdict – they leave 1/2 my ass hanging out, but! They are seamless and look great around my hips which is a weird cutting-in zone for me, so points for that. The ass halfway hanging out does make me feel like they are on the verge of being sucked into the vortex, but I’m hoping that’s a sensation I’ll just have to get over? Maybe? I’ve worn two of the pairs and so far so good… there was some adjustment needed… and I probably won’t by another pair of these, but I will wear them. But so far, they aren’t as comfy as the Old Navy ones.
Oh, and because I promised the internet in a fit of hysteria and poor judgement that I would show you a picture of me wearing them. I give you this…
… Because at some point I would like someone to hire me in some professional capacity that doesn’t involve my boot-ay on the internet.
So now I turn it over to the comments. Where do you ladies go for your pitch-perfect-panties? I need rockstar underpants and I won’t stop the hunt until they are found.