We are pretty sure our neighbors hate us. Which is ok, because we’re moving… but has created some major awkwardness. And literal running away.
Exhibit A that our neighbors hate us: We have no blinds or curtain on our bedroom windows because we didn’t want to spend the money to install them and our landlord is a piece of dook. And our bedroom window and our neighbor’s kitchen window are at a perfect right angle. So they can see into our bedroom like it ain’t no thang. And I am positive they have seen us both naked. Positive how? While getting dressed in the morning I’ve looked over and seen a figure dodging out of view. Hey! Maybe this doesn’t make them hate us, maybe this makes us the most awesome naked neighbors in the whole world. Maybe they’re going to be sad we’re leaving. No one ever said they wanted LESS nuditiy, did they? Actually, maybe some people have, yes.
Exhibit B: We can hear them chatting when they are in their kitchen. This means they’ve heard every screaming, “I HATE YOU!” fight we have ever had. Engagement was a little rough around the edges. The tears, the slamming doors, the total 3-year-old-fit-throwing (ahem, Kamel). We joke about how if one of us went missing and our neighbors were interviewed by the cops they would tell them one of us probably killed the other. Knowing that they probably know every dramatic, embarrassing, bullshit fight we’ve ever had makes us skiddish when we see them in the hall. Especially when…
Exhibit C: … every time we do see them, and we try to make eye contact and smile at them, they strain to look away, they actively avoid us. To twist the knife they also have a really adorable little girl, now on the verge of being a toddler (when we first moved in she was a baby) – who we have maybe heard cry 4 times ever.
Exhibit D: (So many Exhibits) One time, we inadvertently stole their parking spot. We were trying to find parking, they were behind us, we didn’t know they were also looking for parking OR were our neighbors, we sort of made some kind of weird maneuver and ended up taking a long time to get into a giant spot – as we all do sometimes. They got impatient and pulled around us and parked a few spots up. And as we were lolly-gagging getting out of the car, we finally realized it was them. And to avoid having to acknowledge that yes, we were the ass hole neighbors who they probably hate and who also just stole their parking spot, we ran. As fast as we could to the apartment and up the stairs before they could catch us, and hid like little children in our apartment. Yeah, I’m sure they didn’t notice that at all.
And finally, Exhibit (yes i just did the alphabet in my head) E: I had run downstairs to grab a package from the UPS guy and as I was just starting to head back up the stairs, a woman was opening the door and walking into the building. Simultaneously the worst scream I have ever heard ripped through the air, like a sudden air horn of pure panic. And it scared the bajesus out of me and instinct kicked in. My head whipped toward the sound, I stopped in my tracks and my face twisted into that open mouth fear face. Like this picture right here. That was pretty much me. And the woman was back lit, so I couldn’t really see what was going on, but my first instinct was that she was obviously a crazy and had just walked into our lobby and screamed as loud as she could for no reason at all. This all ran through my mind in about 2 – 3 seconds, but long enough to be stuck in this position (see photo) for a leeeetle too long. And that’s when the woman bent down and said, “Sorry, she’s just excited.” In a “DUH what are you STUPID?” kind of voice. And then she started cooing to the little girl at her feet that I hadn’t seen because of the stupid back light (Thwarted by back light! ARGH!). She kept saying, “You’re scaring people!” in that grown up to little kid voice, like they did something amazing. And because I’m awkward and had by then realized (to my new horror) that it was our neighbor, I said, “OH. HA. HA. [forced laugh if I ever forced one! as my heart was still threatening to abandon my body] I, like, TOTALLY thought it was a GROWN UP screaming. HA. HA.” And her response, “Hmm.” And then she went back to cooing to her adorbs
screaching demon child and I immediately turned and sprinted up the stairs.
Two more days and then we start making a whole new set of awkward apartment relationships. Woo!