Fail

We are pretty sure our neighbors hate us. Which is ok, because we’re moving… but has created some major awkwardness. And literal running away.

Exhibit A that our neighbors hate us: We have no blinds or curtain on our bedroom windows because we didn’t want to spend the money to install them and our landlord is a piece of dook. And our bedroom window and our neighbor’s kitchen window are at a perfect right angle. So they can see into our bedroom like it ain’t no thang. And I am positive they have seen us both naked. Positive how? While getting dressed in the morning I’ve looked over and seen a figure dodging out of view. Hey! Maybe this doesn’t make them hate us, maybe this makes us the most awesome naked neighbors in the whole world. Maybe they’re going to be sad we’re leaving. No one ever said they wanted LESS nuditiy, did they? Actually, maybe some people have, yes.

Exhibit B: We can hear them chatting when they are in their kitchen. This means they’ve heard every screaming, “I HATE YOU!” fight we have ever had. Engagement was a little rough around the edges. The tears, the slamming doors, the total 3-year-old-fit-throwing (ahem, Kamel). We joke about how if one of us went missing and our neighbors were interviewed by the cops they would tell them one of us probably killed the other. Knowing that they probably know every dramatic, embarrassing, bullshit fight we’ve ever had makes us skiddish when we see them in the hall. Especially when…

Exhibit C: … every time we do see them, and we try to make eye contact and smile at them, they strain to look away, they actively avoid us. To twist the knife they also have a really adorable little girl, now on the verge of being a toddler (when we first moved in she was a baby) – who we have maybe heard cry 4 times ever.

Exhibit D: (So many Exhibits) One time, we inadvertently stole their parking spot. We were trying to find parking, they were behind us, we didn’t know they were also looking for parking OR were our neighbors, we sort of made some kind of weird maneuver and ended up taking a long time to get into a giant spot – as we all do sometimes. They got impatient and pulled around us and parked a few spots up. And as we were lolly-gagging getting out of the car, we finally realized it was them. And to avoid having to acknowledge that yes, we were the ass hole neighbors who they probably hate and who also just stole their parking spot, we ran. As fast as we could to the apartment and up the stairs before they could catch us, and hid like little children in our apartment. Yeah, I’m sure they didn’t notice that at all.

And finally, Exhibit (yes i just did the alphabet in my head) E: I had run downstairs to grab a package from the UPS guy and as I was just starting to head back up the stairs, a woman was opening the door and walking into the building. Simultaneously the worst scream I have ever heard ripped through the air, like a sudden air horn of pure panic. And it scared the bajesus out of me and instinct kicked in. My head whipped toward the sound, I stopped in my tracks and my face twisted into that open mouth fear face. Like this picture right here. That was pretty much me. And the woman was back lit, so I couldn’t really see what was going on, but my first instinct was that she was obviously a crazy and had just walked into our lobby and screamed as loud as she could for no reason at all. This all ran through my mind in about 2 – 3 seconds, but long enough to be stuck in this position (see photo) for a leeeetle too long. And that’s when the woman bent down and said, “Sorry, she’s just excited.” In a “DUH what are you STUPID?” kind of voice. And then she started cooing to the little girl at her feet that I hadn’t seen because of the stupid back light (Thwarted by back light! ARGH!). She kept saying, “You’re scaring people!” in that grown up to little kid voice, like they did something amazing. And because I’m awkward and had by then realized (to my new horror) that it was our neighbor, I said, “OH. HA. HA. [forced laugh if I ever forced one! as my heart was still threatening to abandon my body] I, like, TOTALLY thought it was a GROWN UP screaming. HA. HA.” And her response, “Hmm.” And then she went back to cooing to her adorbs screaching demon child and I immediately turned and sprinted up the stairs.

Two more days and then we start making a whole new set of awkward apartment relationships. Woo!

16 thoughts on “Fail”

  1. I know two of our neighbors hate us. The people below us hear us doin’ it. Sorry, guys.

    The lady at the end of the building takes the trash to the curb every Thursday night. Our landlord never told us that this was a communal effort (in fact, there was a note that told us NOT to move the trash bins to the curb because we use a different trash service than the building next door, so our trash shouldn’t be mixed or something) and we assumed that she was like the on-site manager and got cheaper rent for doing little chores like that, even IF the trash was SUPPOSED to be wheeled to the curb… but she’s approached both of us at different times and passive-aggressively told us that the “trash doesn’t get to the curb by magic” and “what do you think is going to happen to the trash if it never gets moved”? When she did this to me I was waiting for her to get the point but she never came out and said, “Will you please help move the trash in the future?” She just kept dogging me about how “elves” did it (even though it was obviously her)… And I had a stomachache and just walked away. I’m afraid to ever see her again because I’m sure she is now full of rage. Siiighh.

  2. It’s funny, because we actively avoid most of our neighbors, too. They say that you have to have a certain amount of space between you and your neighbors in order to interact with them (and therefore, having our bedroom wall abut their living room wall probably isn’t awesome for our neighborly relationship). A young couple moved in next door a few weeks ago, and we introduced ourselves when we bumped into them with moving boxes in the hallway, but since then? Zilch.

    It makes me sad, but then again, these people probably know waaaay more about me and my relationship (good and bad!) than I’d like.

  3. I worry constantly that our neighbors think we’re crazy. And by neighbors I mean those below us and on either side of us. We’re alienating people in every direction! Maybe all of us crazies should get together and live in one building. We’ll still be crazy, but at least we’ll be crazy together.

    1. I agree with this. If I could hear/see/experience other “normal” relationship-y things happening in the building then I wouldn’t feel like such a freak. I’ve wrestled with the idea of just saying “sorry you hear all of your fights!” and trying to make it funny. But then I think that might just turn out even MORE awkward.

  4. Hmmm, I think I’d have a hard time making eye contact with neighbors if I’d ever seen them naked too. But, considering all the exhibits here, there’s a certain threshold of crazy after which, if you cross it, you just go all out. It’s now the Duprez Household’s responsibility to make yourselves absolutely UNFORGETTABLE between now and your move. I want to hear all about it.

  5. i’ve given up on neighbor friendships also. one side of us we’ve tried to make friendly conversation but to no avail, and honestly, their barking dog means they probably SHOULD be friendly to make up for it. the other side we’ve never actually spoken to. whoops.

  6. I have the opposite problem – all of my neighbors like me too much, which leads them to ask for favors ALL THE TIME. And some are not easy favors (like let their mean/biting/will escape and run away dog out). I might need to start walking around naked, maybe then they’ll start avoiding me.

  7. Lolly-gagging, it’s the first time I hear this phrase. Love the sound of it.
    Our neighbours have 2 kids, around 1 and 4 or something and they are super cute we hear them running around ta ta ta ta back and forth and laughing and crying . It is also awkward to think they probably hear our conversations, etc…

  8. It’s worse when you know your neighbors “hate you” and you OWN YOUR HOUSE. I can’t move away from them and I see them every. single. day.

    Womp.

    None of them welcomed us to the neighborhood and the people that live directly to our left rarely even speak or make eye contact with us. The old man across the street is awesome (and smokes a lot of weed for his shoulder issues, haha) and there is a woman next door to him that says hello when she sees me but other than that, nothing.
    Of course, we are THOSE neighbors with the shitty yard and the dog that barks sometimes but it just makes me feel even worse about our life there when no one’s really cordial or welcoming.

  9. DUDE I SWEAR. We have had neighbors who would have been friends of ours had we not lived near them and neighbors that were GOD-AWFUL. Like…would come over with boxers and no shirts asking for TP because they had to poo. REALLY. WTF>

  10. our neighbors can see into our kitchen. this would be fine, if we were normal don’t-walk-around-in-the-kitchen-naked type people. but you know we’re not. so they have seen us naked.

    which can only be made more awkward by the fact that we found out a few weeks ago that our neighbors are my second cousin and his wife.

    yep.

Leave a Reply