A Bit Of a Moan And a Whine

I’m having one of those months where I’m feeling like a big fat failure. Ginormous. The size of the sun. And I’m feeling a little pushed around and pushed aside, to be honest. And you could say it’s me being overly sensitive or it’s me finally admitting that I’ve been letting things slide for a while. And it’s not even like one thing or one bully or one missed job opportunity or any of that easy and explainable stuff. It’s a collective feeling of being taken for granted, of not expecting more for myself and of myself. It’s feeling like I’m one of many instead of feeling unique and uniquely wanted and appreciated.

And I had this whole post below (and above, see that paragraph up there?) written and ready to roll for today, but then last night I got an email from Callie letting me know she was nominating me for a Leibster Blog Award because she thinks I’m awesome. I don’t actually qualify for it, but the post I wrote below (of which I’ve edited down and taken out much of the whine – feel spared) screamed that I needed it. So this appreciation came at the exact right moment and I am so incredibly grateful. And! I must mention, because I haven’t yet, that Amanda passed along the Versatile Blogger award my way as well. Which is pretty darn fabulous.

See, the thing is, I write into a void 99.9% of the time. I write stories that take a long time for even one person, besides me, to read, but I do my damndest to write them as best I can anyway. And with this blog – I write always with the hope that people will read it and enjoy it and that I’m actually saying something useful, new, meaningful, entertaining, blahblah, BUT! every time I push publish it’s a gamble. Is this one going to be a hit? Are people going to share it (oh please do), am I going to cause a controversy?Β  Am I going to have angry comments when I check back? Or is someone going to write me an email that says they peed a little and had to close their office door because I had them laughing so hard? You’d think I’d know what the reactions were going to be, but they always surprise me.

So. I’m going to take a moment to wallow and say out loud that I think everyone on the internet is so way cooler than I am, that they are living their dreams in ways I have never been able to or will be able to, probably have more friends than I do, are way better traveled, or at least live in way more interesting places, probably sit around in their sweat pants (hint: right now) less than I do, and they probably have people – every day – who run around behind their backs talking about how awesome they are and wow, can you believe it – whoseitwhatsit is such a badass!

So there. Sometimes you just have to grit your teeth and chug through, and other times you get to have a little whine over it all. Today is my whine day. You can have yours next week and then I’ll tell you how wrong you are because you’re obviously awesome, just look at all your accomplishments, duh.

And I want to thank Callie and Amanda for being chronic readers and being so incredibly thoughtful in letting me know they like what I’m doing. I’m telling you – the awesomeness of the internet continues to blow my mind. Thanks for turning my frown upside down this week. πŸ™‚ Success.

23 thoughts on “A Bit Of a Moan And a Whine”

  1. well.. now’s as good a time as any.. I’m a long time reader/lurker but I never comment because I feel that You and cooler than Me. hah. So I suppose I ‘m saying I don’t think you’re alone in that sentiment and we should all cut ourselves some slack πŸ™‚

  2. I am certainly the last one to try to stop a good whine or to not let someone roll around in a little “why not me”. But the truth of the matter is that anyone’s life if you just look at the highlights seems pretty incredible. Every time I think about how much someone gets to travel or the adventures they get to take I try to remember that for everyone one day they spent in India they probably spent 80 days sitting on the couch watching netflix just like me. Or every time I feel like someone has a super cool job or does something super interesting day to day I try to think about that poor bastard working at Jack in the Box who thinks my job is the best thing in the world.

    And as for interesting places to live, I have been in enough of the US to know that we are pretty much dominating that category by being in the Bay Area. It rules super hard here.

  3. Umm, yes. This. All of this.
    Except, unlike you, I’m not putting my stuff out there nearly as much as I should. It’s actually good to know that you’re feeling this way, since you’ve reached a level I’m aiming for. It affirms that these doubts shouldn’t keep me (or you!) from doing the work.
    And obviously, I’ve only ever commented on like, 2 posts before this because you are so very much cooler than me.

  4. It has to be said, because it’s important that you know:

    I look forward to your posts. Every time I see a new post of yours in my reader, there is a tiny moment of elation. You are a wonderful writer. I find myself nodding in agreement, and laughing at your wit. I may not know you in real life, but I feel like if I ever met you- you’d be one of my peeps. And I’m picky, so that’s saying something. Have a great day and remember you’re awesome! πŸ™‚

  5. “So. I’m going to take a moment to wallow and say out loud that I think everyone on the internet is so way cooler than I am…” Isn’t that the story of the whole internets? And why bloggers check their analytics reports religiously? And why they contemplate shouting into the twitter-hole, “I blogged, didn’t you see??!!??” twelve times a day? (maybe that last one is just me…) Glad to hear you’re feeling the love today πŸ™‚
    PS – Have you ever read Anne Lamott’s “Bird by Bird : Some Instructions on Writing and Life”? She talks a lot (a LOT) about how lonely and neurotic writing into the void is, and how even when she hears compliments about her work, she has a hard time believing them. After a while, I got really annoyed with her for being so lonely and neurotic but still a successful (published!) writer… but then I realized how much truth she was telling. Then I got scared the neurosis would infect me too πŸ˜‰

    1. bahahaha! Your last line made me laugh. And no, I’ve never read it. I don’t think I want to, I think I’m living it already. But honestly, I think if I was in a mite better place – which for the love of god I hope is coming soon! – I would feel this so much less. Usually I’m feeling rather peppy about how things are. But then other times it’s very much like “OH MY GOD WHAT AM I DOING” and ya know, melt down city and then the next day I start all over again. Ahh the emotional turmoil of being a writer. So obnoxious.

  6. Yes!! Knowing that im quite possibly your biggest cheerleader, I must say that i TOTALLY UNDERSTAND this feeling, but I also am like “WHAAAA? she doesnt understand how cool she is, why not!?”. We all seriously need affirmations sometime and room to whine, so go for it! but also know that EVERYONE is their own worst critic, we constantly need others to help us see our lives differently and soak up more gratitude πŸ™‚ so let it all out so that you can fill up on what everyone else sees: pure awesomeness!! ps: I agree with Buren, perfectly excellent perspective, well said!

  7. oh! Also! I would like to say – lurkers of the world? You’re awesome too. No worries. Comments are fun, but I find it difficult to comment on other people’s stuff sometimes so I’m not hatin’ on you by any means.

    1. Yeah, sometimes I’ll take a day or a week or whatever and institute a Comment-a-thon: if I read a blog post, I must add a comment. I find it can be really easy to lapse into reading the thoughts of so many awesome people without letting them KNOW I think they’re awesome. I love-love-love getting a comment on a post of mine, so I figure most other people do too, and I want to contribute when I can (although a comment on every post I read alllll the time just ain’t happening).

      1. So true! And I’ve got a terrible habit of reading posts by awesome ladies and thinking “I’d love to be their internet friend” but then never commenting because I think that they won’t care or reply or whatever. But I need to institute a comment-a-thon. Starting now πŸ™‚

        PS. Lauren, you are one of those awesome ladies.

  8. I totally understand, I constantly feel less then other people. My friend once told me that everyone feels that way because it’s true. There’s someone else that’s always _______ than you, you just have to say fuck it and do it anyway because someone else thinks you’re _______ than them too. For me lately it’s been my business. People are doing way cooler things than me and getting written up in trendy blogs and all I have is this tiny little business that’s really just a glorified snack bar when I could be running a super trendy mission cafe or something. I just have to say fuck it, you know? So rock on girl, we all think you’re hella cool πŸ˜‰

  9. I understand what you mean. A lot. I feel that way about my writing/blogging all the time. And for the record? I think you’re pretty awesome. πŸ™‚

    Aaaand, I am subscribed to 191 blogs in my google reader (I know, I know, sweet baby jesus) but there are only thirteen on which I’ve put an asterisk before the title so they will show up at the very top of the list. And guess what! You’re one of them! Whoohoo!

  10. Oh Lauren, just so you know, you have a way with words, you can tell stories, you can make people laugh and talk about serious stuff too. It’s real and it’s true. And it is Ok to be sad / whiny sometimes, maybe because it helps put things in place, set priorities, decide where you want to go.
    Also, San Francisco is a really cool place , I think you guys are lucky to be in California or maybe I am biased because I love aquariums, the beach and cool zoos. Just keep on going and know that you’re awesome.

  11. First of all, I enjoy your site because your writing has such voice and humor. That’s great. πŸ™‚ And feeling subpar is totally normal, as everyone is saying. But maybe also it is worthwhile remembering that feeling this way is *especially* normal after a wedding? You’ve had lots of busy and fuss and insanity, but even though at times it was probably aggravating, it was still largely about celebrating you and your life choices. Normal life can be kinda a letdown after that! Give it a few weeks and be kind to yourself. (Not trying to tell you why you feel the way you do — of course it may be totally different for you and what do I know! But that’s at least how it was for me, both times i got married. )

  12. You are awesome. I love reading your blog, even if I don’t comment often. Foolishly enough, it’s that feeling that everyone else on the internet is awesome that keeps me from commenting far too often.

  13. Sometimes I think the fun of having a blog is seeing what people react to. Sometimes the posts I think are brilliant no one really responds to, and the ones that I bend over and crap out are apparently pure gold. I have not a single idea which ones people will like and which ones people won’t, so I just throw spaghetti at the wall and see what sticks!

    Also, I think everyone on the internet is cooler than me, too. And that includes you, Mrs!

  14. So this is how conversations between me and my husband go quite frequently:
    Me ‘Lauren wrote this really interesting post today’.
    Him ‘Who’s Lauren?’
    Me ‘You know, she writes that really brilliant blog that I always talk about and always forward you posts from? She got married recently and went through the exact same thing as us with friends letting her down and stuff? Plus she got a Kitchen Aid as a wedding present too!’
    Him ‘Er, I think so?’
    Me ‘Well, she wrote exactly how I feel about X, but so much better than I ever could. She’s so cool and funny.’
    Him ‘Ok then. Can we talk about what we’re having for dinner now?’
    Me ‘We should use our slow cooker more. Lauren’s learning to use hers.’
    Him ‘Great…’

  15. I too am a lurker felt compelled to comment. I found you through APW, as I’ve found many things – blogs, pictures, inspiration, craziness. But much of it I don’t come back to. I come back to your writing because it’s funny and I can relate to the struggles. I’m seriously impressed by the leap you took to turn to writing full time, despite the clear financial pinch it places on you and Kamel as you’re starting your marriage. I wish I had a passion that I was clearly gifted at that could provide a creative outlet from the work I don’t love. So keep writing, even when you’re whiny, because even that is funny. Good luck!

  16. I feel like I can totally relate. The big fat failure bug is on the prowl. I’m back to waiting tables at a much less glamorous restaurant than I was previously working at (fired when management went through a switch), and I’m not teaching or choreographing, after 10 years of building my resume in this direction. The ole’ self-esteem is in the basement.

    Here’s what I find valuable to remember in this time:
    #1- Just keep going. Keep writing. Keep processing. Continue to hope for better and clarify what you want (you sound pretty darn clear!). For one thing, your honest experience of this time is helpful to the rest of us.
    #2- Remember that life is cyclical. My friend Maggie was ever-so-helpful in reminding me that creative people inherently go through highs and lows– that whether it be the seasons, or life transitions (*cough* weddings), that it’s important to remember that- when we least expect it- clarity happens. And, your struggle and fluster of frustration is not in vain. (And it makes for good writing material.)

    I wish you well. And, we all appreciate your honesty and good humor. Especially, those of us in transition.

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