Here’s the deal. I hate working from home. I hate it. It makes me feel lonely and nothing I do feels like work, and not in the good way. In the, “what the fuck am I doing?” way.
Everything was great before the wedding. I had a routine, I was on it. I spent the majority of my time not at home. I was running about, doing things for the wedding, but a lot of things not for the wedding. And then the wedding happened and the honeymoon and when I got back I was sick. Really sick. For weeks. And I never left the house because I just couldn’t. And somewhere along those lines I lost my routine, I lost the feeling that I was being productive, because I wasn’t really being productive at all. I kept thinking (and Kamel kept saying) that once I got better I would be back on track! Feeling great! Super woman with a laptop!
But now, several weeks from my first day of feeling better, I’m still unhappy. And it’s not because I’m not being productive, because I am. I’m busy, I’m getting things done, I’m meeting deadlines. But if I’m being completely honest, I’m not meeting enough deadlines to be satisfied, I’m not generating enough out-put for my own comfort level. And it’s because I have too much time. I realize that sounds indulgent. Wow, Lauren, you have too much time? Why don’t you whine about it then? But, it’s really about being honest about my own weaknesses. And one of them is procrastination. I don’t know any writer who doesn’t procrastinate. And I hear that normal people do too. If I have all the time in the world to spend, I’ll spend all the time in the world. If I only have 3 hours to get what I need to get done, I’m a dynamo.
The biggest reason I wanted to start working from home was a lifestyle change. I was working close to 12 hours a day, 5 days a week and working a handful of hours both Saturday and Sunday. And I had been doing this for nearly a year and it was killing me. But to go from that, to this feels extreme. I have my weekends and evenings back, but even though I do work a solid work day, I don’t feel busy enough for my own sanity.
So, things will be changing around here. But I’m not 100% sure how they will change yet. I need a balance. I need to be busy and have co-workers and an office, and a reason to put clothes on and leave the house. But I also need time. I need to be able to write and get that handled, because if I don’t then we have a whole other problem. I’m working on it, it’s a process but I think I’m moving in the right direction.