Last night I had my first bad dream – ever – about Divorce. I’ve had dreams where Kamel wants to break up with me, or where I can’t find him and it becomes clear that he has, um, run away. (Ha, I actually just snorted out loud when I wrote that… we all know I would find him.) Anyways, it was awful.
I think when you’re approaching marriage there is this fear that Divorce is the big bad scary monster under the bed and it might sneak up on you. Like you could run into Divorce like a big brick wall if you’re not paying attention, it hides behind corners and jumps out behind garbage cans. Nobody wants it to happen to them, like cancer.
But it’s not really like that, is it? Even if a relationship ends because of infidelity there is something going on there in a deeper way. A break down at some point, someone lied about who they were, how they feel, and what they want – if it’s not to their partner, it’s to themselves. Sometimes it’s because life takes over and you stop making the other person a priority, but this takes a long time, it happens slowly, it creeps in. It doesn’t just show up on your door step like, “heeey! I just decided to stop by and ruin your life!”
In my dream Kamel had up and decided that he didn’t like me prancing around in my underpants and t-shirt anymore (something I do in real life constantly) and he was going to date my fictitious dream room mate instead. My panic thoughts included, “but! you took my name! you can’t reverse that!!” In real life, yes, but on a deeper level that means something to me. I also tried to convince him to slow down, let’s think about this, was he really sure this is what he wanted? He was sure. He was so sure, that he was also completely unemotional as my panic rose and rose until I woke up crying.
Now, even though I just said all of that stuff about your marriage not stumbling over Divorce on its way to the grocery store, does the whole “my spouse just up and doesn’t want me any more” actually happen? Is that a thing? Is there a possibility that without any other previous conversations, Kamel will wake up one day and decide he doesn’t like living with someone who enjoys a good bowl of cereal for dinner and listening to loud music in the car? (Me) Does that happen to people? Because I’m pretty sure, barring any unforeseen disasters, that I’m in this with thoughtfulness and compromise and teamwork. But now I’m giving Kamel side ways glances since dream him was obviously finicky.