Brace yourself for some TMI. Are you ready? Ok.
So starting last Tuesday I’ve had… traveler’s sickness. Or, ya know, Montezuma’s Revenge… however you’d like to spin. Every day I think “yay! I’m all better” and then by the afternoon it is very clear that I am not better. Not better at all.
The day after we got back from our honeymoon Kamel immediately started earning his stripes by running to Safeway for Immodium at 3am. This husband thing is niiiice. Every day since then I’ve pretty much just been living in the couch and feeling like my entire life is a failure. It’s quite the shock to have 2 weeks of crazy wedding stuff + honeymoon, and then come back to real life … sick. And unable to leave the house. Where the weather is the same grey crap morning, noon, and night. Where sometimes naps are super necessary and at the same time leave you disoriented and broken for the rest of the day. It’s lonely not leaving the house, especially coming from a whirlwind of family and friends. So when Kamel comes home I generally jump on him screaming “PLAY WITH ME!!!!”
So this weekend I was determined to DO things. So! We made it out for a long walk on Saturday morning and then when we were on the way to see Harry Potter (!!) I realized I should probably not be in public any longer. We made it there, got our pre-purchased tickets switched, and then went back home, determined to try it again on Sunday.
Sunday! Sunday was going to be THE DAY. We got up early, started scrubbing the house and doing mountains of laundry, took showers and then at 2pm headed downtown to finish up our registry stuff. On the way downtown I had that familiar feeling that oh… this wasn’t a good idea. DAMNIT! By the time we got to Bloomingdales the only thing I was focused on was finding a bathroom. I sent Kamel down to handle our present business while I handled my other kind of business. Bloomingdales is one of those lovely shopping centers that have fabulous bathrooms, with full doors on each stall – a stall that is more like a little room. Ahh. Yes. If you have to go (and I mean really go) in public, you might as well do it in style.
Well, after I had, uh, finished, I realized that there was no toilet paper in the stall. None. So what does a girl do? she looks behind her to grab a seat liner, as I have been forced to do on several occasions. And what do I find there? An empty seat liner container. The panic started to rise. Oh my god. I just had The D, I have no toilet paper, the stalls go all the way to the ground, so there is no way for me to even ask a fellow lady for help. What. The Fuck. So, of course I text Kamel the situation with a full on OMG tone and then set to work trying to get myself out of this situation. Basically I MacGyvered that shiz… literally. And I have no shame because I snatched those toilet paper rolls out of their holders, ripped them up and set to work. It wasn’t perfect, but it would do.
And when I got out of the bathroom and checked my phone, I had a text from Kamel saying, “Don’t worry, I’ll fix this.” And then another saying “What stall are you in?” I replied saying “no no, it’s fine.” But the signal was shotty and he wasn’t getting my texts, so I called him, trying to find where he was, but he didn’t answer at first. By this time I was headed to where I thought he would be, but turned around when I had visions of him standing, lost in the women’s restroom.
Finally he answers and my immediate question was “where are you??” and he said, “I’m standing in line at the bathroom. What stall are you in?” I told him to come outside, that I was by the purses. When he pops out of the bathroom area he is waving a fist-full of toilet paper at me, “I got some! I was headed in! Are you ok?” I whisper “put that away!” So the entire Bloomingdales staff wouldn’t know I was in need. Kamel was on a mission. When I asked him what he had planned to do he said, “I was going to find you and I didn’t care at all what anyone thought. If the ladies started freaking out I was just going to start speaking spanish and act like I didn’t understand them until I found you.”
I’m not exactly sure how to end this besides a collective “awwww!” and to tell you I’m drinking lots of fluids and hoping this situation clears up soon. Hopefully this week. But until then, who doesn’t love a man who’s willing to burst into the forbidden ladies’ room? I swoon.