The D

Brace yourself for some TMI. Are you ready? Ok.

So starting last Tuesday I’ve had… traveler’s sickness. Or, ya know, Montezuma’s Revenge… however you’d like to spin. Every day I think “yay! I’m all better” and then by the afternoon it is very clear that I am not better. Not better at all.

The day after we got back from our honeymoon Kamel immediately started earning his stripes by running to Safeway for Immodium at 3am. This husband thing is niiiice. Every day since then I’ve pretty much just been living in the couch and feeling like my entire life is a failure. It’s quite the shock to have 2 weeks of crazy wedding stuff + honeymoon, and then come back to real life … sick. And unable to leave the house. Where the weather is the same grey crap morning, noon, and night. Where sometimes naps are super necessary and at the same time leave you disoriented and broken for the rest of the day. It’s lonely not leaving the house, especially coming from a whirlwind of family and friends. So when Kamel comes home I generally jump on him screaming “PLAY WITH ME!!!!”

So this weekend I was determined to DO things. So! We made it out for a long walk on Saturday morning and then when we were on the way to see Harry Potter (!!) I realized I should probably not be in public any longer. We made it there, got our pre-purchased tickets switched, and then went back home, determined to try it again on Sunday.

Sunday! Sunday was going to be THE DAY. We got up early, started scrubbing the house and doing mountains of laundry, took showers and then at 2pm headed downtown to finish up our registry stuff. On the way downtown I had that familiar feeling that oh… this wasn’t a good idea. DAMNIT! By the time we got to Bloomingdales the only thing I was focused on was finding a bathroom. I sent Kamel down to handle our present business while I handled my other kind of business. Bloomingdales is one of those lovely shopping centers that have fabulous bathrooms, with full doors on each stall – a stall that is more like a little room. Ahh. Yes. If you have to go (and I mean really go) in public, you might as well do it in style.

Well, after I had, uh, finished, I realized that there was no toilet paper in the stall. None. So what does a girl do? she looks behind her to grab a seat liner, as I have been forced to do on several occasions. And what do I find there? An empty seat liner container. The panic started to rise. Oh my god. I just had The D, I have no toilet paper, the stalls go all the way to the ground, so there is no way for me to even ask a fellow lady for help. What. The Fuck. So, of course I text Kamel the situation with a full on OMG tone and then set to work trying to get myself out of this situation. Basically I MacGyvered that shiz… literally. And I have no shame because I snatched those toilet paper rolls out of their holders, ripped them up and set to work. It wasn’t perfect, but it would do.

And when I got out of the bathroom and checked my phone, I had a text from Kamel saying, “Don’t worry, I’ll fix this.” And then another saying “What stall are you in?” I replied saying “no no, it’s fine.” But the signal was shotty and he wasn’t getting my texts, so I called him, trying to find where he was, but he didn’t answer at first. By this time I was headed to where I thought he would be, but turned around when I had visions of him standing, lost in the women’s restroom.

Finally he answers and my immediate question was “where are you??” and he said, “I’m standing in line at the bathroom. What stall are you in?” I told him to come outside, that I was by the purses. When he pops out of the bathroom area he is waving a fist-full of toilet paper at me, “I got some! I was headed in! Are you ok?” I whisper “put that away!” So the entire Bloomingdales staff wouldn’t know I was in need. Kamel was on a mission. When I asked him what he had planned to do he said, “I was going to find you and I didn’t care at all what anyone thought. If the ladies started freaking out I was just going to start speaking spanish and act like I didn’t understand them until I found you.”

I’m not exactly sure how to end this besides a collective “awwww!” and to tell you I’m drinking lots of fluids and hoping this situation clears up soon. Hopefully this week. But until then, who doesn’t love a man who’s willing to burst into the forbidden ladies’ room? I swoon.

43 thoughts on “The D”

  1. awwwwwww oh man! Kamel!! that’s amazing.

    also, you poor thing. I knowwwwwwww what that problem is like and I feel you. have you seen a doctor? I don’t know what they could do for you but if it doesn’t clear up soon, seems like it wouldn’t be a bad idea to get checked out. although stool samples are probably the LEAST fun thing to do EVAR. glad you are getting lots of fluids!

    1. Kamel told me that that’s what they might ask me to do and I CRIED. Like full on chin wiggling tears. I think the doctors will be calling me today to schedule an appointment for early this week. But yeah, they gave me a list of foods to eat and told me to just roll through it unless it gets worse.

  2. And this is why there are always 2 purse sized packets of Kleenex in my purse.
    Also, hooray for ongoing evidence that you married a winner!

  3. Oh man, I’ve totally been there. The ripping up the rolls as a last resort and I have become friends.

    Including at my in-laws’ house because, well, they didn’t stock and I wasn’t ABOUT to yell for help.

    About the sick, though … seriously, keep drinking LIKE IT’S YOUR JOB. A bit of advice from my doctor when I was so dehydrated? Don’t just drink water. Gatorade/Vitamin Water is a definite. Juice. Clear soda. No dairy though. Dehydration is a NASTY business, and can creep up on you without warning. And they said to continue with the main-lining of fluids (please tell me you’ve heard that term and I’m not completely alone!) until you’re having to pee at least once every hour and a half. Jeesh.

    Here’s hoping they get you in and figure out what’s wrong soon!

    1. I’m sure your in-laws are delightful people with many, many fine qualities BUT one MUST stock.

      I’m mortified when I run out of toilet paper when people are over.

  4. This is so cute! (despite the uhhh unfortunate situation) I wonder what the other people in line thought was going on? Haha. I love those individual room-bathrooms–I’ve even been in one where you got your own private sink.

    Hope you feel better. 🙁

  5. Okay that is a total aww moment. Kamel rules.

    But I also laughed out loud at his plan to just pretend he was lost hahaha. He’s off to a good start on the whole being a good husband front. 🙂

  6. Oh oh oh I am so sorry Lauren… like everybody said drink a lot, eat soup (broth), toast and boiled rice.
    And Kamel is great 🙂 but we knew that !
    I think it´s very common to get sick after the wedding/honeymoon. It happened to both of us (flu), and just last month to a friend. Like right, after. It must be all that stress finally going out of your system,combined with whatever little bug you happened to unfortunately meet.
    But… since you’ve been back for a while I am not completely sure it is Moctezuma’s revenge. Normally when you get it in Mexico… you get it directly, as in almost instant (I mean when it is food intoxication). So yes, go to the doctor. Hopefully it will just go by itself. Did you eat anything in the street, or raw fruit or something like that ? Hoping you will get better.
    Aaand you look really good in your new pic in the pink t-shirt 🙂
    Sending you healthy vibes.

  7. Geeze, what is it with the honeymoons and the D? (For the record, I was not the victim in our case… Costa Rica, if you’re reading, I’d really like to come back, so could you please tone down your friendship with stomach bugs?) Kamel’s solution proved why he’s such a winner. I especially loved his plan B if he got caught. Spanish for the win! Hehe!

  8. Awwwww….

    Now that that’s out of my system, commiseration time. This totally happened to me when we went to Mexico. I was fine there, and once I got back it was… exactly as you have described. It lasted somewhere between 1 to 2 weeks. Basically what I gathered was Mexico and the States have very different microorganisms on the foodstuffs/in the water (even filtered), and it messes with your digestive environment. My suggestion would be to follow Sarah’s advice about the water, take a pro-active teaspoon or pill of pepto before eating anything (this was advice I got from someone who traveled extensively throughout South America to do while we were there, & it worked like a charm until we got back and I stopped!), and maybe try yogurt (the good organic stuff) or even probiotic pills to re-arm your natural digestive flora. (Don’t you just love it when Dr’s use terrible words like that?)

    1. This makes me feel so much less WEIRD about my situation!! And the pro-biotics! the on call nurse told me to try this. I’m hoping I can just get them at walgreens?

      1. Probiotics bought refrigerated from health food stores are much higher-quality than the ones from Walgreens. Keep them refrigerated so that the bacteria stay alive. Creepy, yes, but I swear by my daily probiotic! In other news, your new hubby get an award for The Awesome. I’m super impressed by him, and I hope you feel better soon!

    2. It *totally* happened to both myself and the hubster when we got back from honeymooning in Mexico as well! And also pretty much cleared in about a week and a half without doing anything special besides eating really basic food.

      Also, love the plan to speak Spanish! Whenever I want to pretend like I can’t understand things, my default is “je ne comprends pas . . .” – just about the only French I remember from gradeschool . . .

  9. OMG I am dying laughing, not at The D situation because OH MAN have I been there, but at Kamel’s dedicated attempt at helping you. My husband would probably just give me the old “Sorry ’bout your luck!” Kamel is a hero, and you are a lucky lady (who needs to feel better soon). =)

    1. Yup. Pretty sure Forrest would laugh at me. I’d probably get taken home and lovingly tucked into bed with chicken soup but first, I’d be laughed at.

  10. OMG. I am trying not to crack up at my desk. What a scenario. That situation totally sucks, but what an awesome guy 🙂 Feel better soon!

  11. Yikes. I had the same problem when I came back from Peru (after having water poisoning while I was there! TWICE!) and it’s prett nasty. I hope you feel better soon. Yay for your awesome hubby!

  12. Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww just about covers it. Not like you needed affirmation on your husband, but there it is! And feel better!

  13. awwww KAMEL! way to rock the newlywed phase, Kamel, he’s on to stage 2, yeah? [picturing the awesome Super Mario soundtrack for you-beat-the-hell-out-of-that-level]

  14. AW!

    And, oh no. I know this situation a little too well. After 21 years of going to Guatemala my stomach has still not quite adjusted to their micro-organisms, or whatever. There’s a pill my mom starts making us all take 10 before we get there, while we’re there, and 10 days after we return. Works like a charm!!! I’ll call and see if she can tell me what it is (and if it’s even sold in this country, my mom has a serious belief that american meds are “weaker” than what she can get there… My medicine cabinet is a pretty exotic sight to behold.)

  15. I do not envy you in any way. Like Zan said, travel kleenex is a must and so is Immodium. I have Immodium in all of my travel kits for this very reason, I even have a few tabs in my car. Having a Dr. in the house the recommendation for fluids sticks and don’t worry about any stool samples – everyone is used to seeing stuff like that in the medical field and luckily, now most times you can just leave it in the bathroom. (Unlike old days when I got to carry out small jars of warm pee & hand it to a nurse – ewww). Less shame all around. I hope you are better soon.

  16. Oh hunny I hope you get well soon. I had dysentery when I got back from South Africa, so I know how you feel. (TMI, At first I thought I was bleeding internally after I went to the bathroom if you know what I mean.)

    And yay for Kamel being such an upstanding and helpful partner.

  17. Hope you’re getting better! YAY for the hubby superhero. Maybe you already plan on talking about this, but I’m wondering, if you want to/can, I’d love to hear about how it feels to live together pre-marriage/the transition to living together as a married couple (if there is any, that is).

  18. Oh Kamel. What a winner.

    And seriously, way to go with the roll-shredding. I would have panicked in my own little private bathroom, hoping that M would get the text and rescue me.

    Lauren, hope you feel better, and thanks for sharing such a sweet/hilarious personal story (as usual!). 🙂

  19. Such a funny, cute story – thank goodness for the men in our lives, hey?

    I had a similar situation earlier this year where I was in a public bathroom & my pants would NOT zip up once I was done (it was a big zipper up the back, no buttons or anything else). After about 5 minutes of struggling in the stall on my own, I didn’t know what else to do but text husband who was waiting outside. He wasn’t brave enough to come inside the ladies but helped me get discreetly outside & got it done up for me around the corner!

  20. Um. Not to compare you to an infant… but: At my daycare, the Big D is no uncommon thing. When the kids get it, we stuff them with rice cereal, bananas, and orange vegetables (squash, sweet potatoes, carrots) – and keep them away from green veggies and fruits. That first group is a bunch of food we call “binding” foods. And if you’re constipated, stick to that second group, because it will loosen you up!

    Good luck lady. Also, I swear by pepto. Even though it tastes like chalk…

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